Monday, December 31, 2007

Eve of 2008

I haven't posted in a while because:

  • I don't have Internet at home
  • I've been on the road traveling
  • Its been a rough couple of weeks

The Christmas in Arizona consisted of a 6 hour road trip with a neurotic poodle, accompanied by an okie grandma who snarled "Ima SMACK YOU!" every few minutes. Add that to carseat constricted toddler, and a road through the Navajo Nation that only has 3 major towns along a stretch of 300 miles. Wow that was fun.

Total chaos arose the day after Christmas when my mother, taking my grandmother on her shopping spree to Kohls, got fed up with her mom's obsessive poodle preening and told her that the dog doesn't have any real problems, its all in my grandmother's head, and she makes herself crazy over it. My grandmother responded with "Get off my back!" and "I didn't even want to come on this F**KING trip anyway!"

Thinking how petty all this was, I decided to force mommy dearest and grandma to make up. I went and talked to both of them in private and they eventually hugged and forgave each other. My mother said I "healed" the family. Fricken Hippies.

My sister who flew down from her home in Alaska thinks that the real "reason" my family has come together is because I introduced the first offspring of my generation. LB is now the glue of the family. My sis says she feels selfish for saying that. I said yeah, go get knocked up unexpectedly and raise your own damn kid. Ok. I didn't say that.

I had my first gathering at my new apartment, and it was so awesome. Having all my friends crammed (and I mean crammed) into my living room with LB climbing over piles of presents, and dogs, and plates of pizza. It was exactly why I have been longing for my own place, so I could share moments like that with the people I love.

My dad, however has NOT been having those warm happy feelings, now that he is down in Brazil. His perfect getaway was marred only 3 days after his arrival. He was on the beach outside his hotel when he was mugged by 4 guys. They took his wallet and his shitty watch, but most of all, I think my dad's romantic spirit was somewhat destroyed. The most important thing is that he's ok, and hopefully can enjoy the rest of his vacation. I guess my dad always has to learn things in his own way :(

But the lowest point of my past two weeks was that LB's daddy informed me that he is indeed seeing someone else, and is MOVING in with her at the end of the week. What a desperate loser. Can't even support himself and find a place to live on his own. He has to hook up with some desperate single mom of a 3 and 7 yr old, and stay at their house. How is that an improvement over living with me and LB? I don't understand him, and I sure as hell am glad I am no longer responsible for him. I can't say it doesn't hurt me just a tiny bit though.

2008 are you a kinder, gentler year?

Friday, December 21, 2007

Holiday Blues

Sometimes I look at my previous posting titles and I wonder if I intended to write an entirely different theme, but somehow got distracted between the title and the body. Wow.

Last night I went over to my MIL's house, where her brother had driven all the way from California to see her. She is doing so well after her mastectomy, and its always such a pleasure to be around her. Plus LB just eats up the adoration. We exchanged gifts, since I won't be around the baby daddy side of the family this year.

This made me sad for some reason. I really don't WANT to be around He-who-shall-not-be-named in the current situation at all, but I love his family dearly. The last two Christmases we have driven the hellish 15 hour drive to Long Beach, CA to see LB's Auntie. The first time I was 6 months pregnant, the second time, LB was 6 months old.

Part of me had begun to settle into a family tradition, and begun to look forward to it. This year everything is different, and there will be no jaunt to California by the three of us. There is no "three of us" anymore, really. Its LB and Me, and HIM.

Last night when her daddy finally showed up at his mom's house at 8:40 pm, I had given up on seeing him and was about to walk out the door. So there is a time period of 15 minutes where he clutches LB to his chest and hugs her before saying goodbye for Christmas. She cried and cried when we left, and after she had fallen asleep in the car, I cried.

I shouldn't have to rip my child away from her dad after only 15 minutes. I shouldn't have to miss being with a family that I have grown to love. I shouldn't have to feel guilty that I didn't try hard enough to keep us together as a family. But it doesn't matter. I do feel guilty and sad, and I DO have to make these choices that I hate to make.

As I was walking up the stairs to my apartment, a guy who looked 20-something pulled up in a Bronco. He said hi, and I greeted him. He works up at Purgatory and had just gotten off work. He lives about 3 doors down from me, so its nice to know a neighbor. As I was opening my door, he turns to me and asks

"Are you able to give the baby a Christmas this year?"

I was shocked. I just nodded. He said if I ever needed anything, I should just knock on his door.
I thanked him and went inside. I put my sleeping child to bed, and cried and cried and cried.

I can't really pin point the reason. I could be crying from the kindness of my neighbor. I could be crying because I have never been asked that question and I look like a person who needs help now. Or maybe its because of the horrible car wreck that happened this week, where a 25 year old father-to-be was killed, driving to work from Bayfield. Or maybe I'm crying because I'm lonely, and I don't want my daughter to be unhappy. Sometimes I'm afraid I've create a life for her that is going to be filled with more hardships than most kids have to face.

Whatever the reason, I feel blue today. I know I should be wallowing in the Christmas Spirit, but its hard right now.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Sedona for the Holidays

Stinky Bear got a BIIIIGGGG Present last night from my mother. It was one of these. All to herself. No siblings to share it with, and at the age of 18 1/2 months. Can we say spoiled? Nah, just really really lucky.

After single-handedly putting the contraption together, I tried to fit it into the one empty corner of my new apartment. No dice. The thing is bigger than I am.

I think we are finally settling into our place, even if there are still boxes laying around, and I have neither a TV or computer, which means no cable or Internet. I am only HALF a real person, right? I have been abusing my work computer privileges for a good 9 months now, and I think its reasonably harmless. I'm not surfing for porn.

Boo Boo Bear has noticed that there are lots of loud noises in an apartment complex, and we are on the quiet end of the building, right by the staircase. This actually gives us the bonus of side-street parking access, as well as a tiny extra window, where there would have been an adjoining apartment instead. But most of the noise comes from INSIDE the apartment.

Our toilet, for example, has suction force of a black hole. I swear I can hear particles separating mid-flush. This is actually a WELCOME change from the pathetic run of toilets that I've had. You know the ones that blow a raspberry at you, gurgle for a second and call it quits, leaving the turd rotating in the bowl. Gross, I know. I used to have to keep a cooking pot of water by the toilet so I could add that extra water power during flushing. Now THAT is white trash.

But not anymore. LB's eyes go wide when the toilet flushes, and she promptly says to me "Toilet LOUD!"

Our Heater is also at maximum tunnelforce capacity. My To-Do lists regularly get blown off the counter, as well as the coupons I've been saving. LB rounds them up, and usually puts them in the garbage, saying "TWASH."

Other than that, I am relishing everything about my living situation. I only have one question: When I can I add a kitty to 24 hr girl party?

Monday, December 17, 2007

Back to Black

Ok, so I didn't really come back to black. In fact I came back to endless upon endless fields of pure white snow. If you read JL's hijinks, you'll know that while I was basking in 60 degree weather (ok 57ish mostly), Colorado and got dumped on. I get the sweet after effects, without having to drive in a blizzard. Word.

I really can't think of one single word to describe my trip. So many different emotions, thoughts and experiences. As far as the workout tree goes, all I have to say is sadly, its amazing how your good food choices go out the window when you get to eat for free. Yeah. I gorged. My dad was worse though, trying to take every advantage of his meal ticket he could....buffets, champagne, desserts, not to mention the endless supply of WINE that surrounds you in Northern California. He was shameless, but its kind of a family tradition.

He took me to the little house I was born it; probably no bigger than 800 sq feet, perched on the slope of a steep, narrow street. My mom would have nothing to do with any "medical professional" telling her what to do during labor. If women had babies in caves thousands of years ago, then she could do it in the comfort of her own home. Needless to say, I wasn't born in a hospital. Looking at this house, I couldn't help but think of how scared my mom must have been, laboring alone in the tiny, dark bedroom, while my dad slept (he woke up for the birth). I honestly don't know how she did it. I was a 9lb baby for God's sake.

Being in the city of my birth, and taking part of the egg donation process was an odd sensation. I kept wondering if the couple maybe lived near where I was born, or shopped at the same stores my parents did. Would their future child be running around the wine fields, and jumping into the ocean like I did? Would they ever eat at the bakery where my mom used to work? I guess these are questions I will never know, but in some strange astrological coincidence, here I am, donating to a couple who live in the same place I am from.

I will admit that the last days of egg donation are NOT pleasant. I honestly had gotten comfortable with the injections. I could stick myself in the ass with my eyes closed and not flinch. I was SO comfortable with the whole deal that when the following situation occurred, I barely batted an eyelash.

(SCENE: Father, Daughter and Grandbaby have arrived in California, late, and have picked up rental car. They drive north through torrents of rain.)
DAUGHTER: Ok Dad, its 10:30 pm, and we still haven't gotten to the hotel. I need to take my shot.
FATHER: Hmmmm. I'm hungry.
DAUGHTER: Seriously. If I don't give myself this shot, there was no point in coming here.
FATHER: Well where are you going to do it? We're on the freeway.
DAUGHTER: All I need is a bathroom.
FATHER: Hey look! An IN-N-OUT Burger!

Yes. I actually stuck a needle in my butt in the public restroom of an In & Out Burger. How Rockstar am I? :) It didn't help that all the kids are getting ready to go out the bars, clubs, shows, concerts, holiday 10:30 pm. I whipped out my vials of medication, syringes, prep pads and went to work as fast as I could. I'm surprised they didn't call the cops on me. Pretty hilarious sight. I was sort of hoping for unsolicited advice from a local heroin addict while I was shooting up, but no luck.

So anyway, after everything was said and done, the doctors were able to retrieve 25 EGGS FROM ME! Can I pat myself on the back or what? I am soooooo psyched for this couple. I hope this increases their chances of getting a good embryo, because that would make everything I have gone through worth it. I have requested to know if the couple gets pregnant, but that may be another few weeks. Everyone think happy thoughts for them.

Sorry for the long post. I need to get a new ticker up and running. My page feels a little empty. But I am back, and I missed you all! I hope your week was as great as mine!

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Heading Out

This will probably be my last post for a week or so, since I fly to California tomorrow for the final donation process. I really shouldn't even be posting right now, since I have A CRAPLOAD of work to do before my sub comes in this afternoon. But I must update for those who are curious.

I can definitely feel my ovaries growing, which is kind of gross, but I've been pregnant, so I'm no stranger to being aware of my internal organs moving around. Not a pleasant feeling, but I guess this is the "pain and suffering" they are compensating me for.

The hormone injections are making me a little nauseous, and my chesticles are sore.. Which reminds me, this morning LB pointed to my bra (which I can joyfully toss over the side of my couch without people complaining) and said "Booby Hat." HAHAHAHA She's so funny and smart, because OBVIOUSLY a bra goes on your boobs, so it MUST be a hat!

I tried giving myself a shot on my LEFT humpty last night, but it hurt to badly for me to try it again. I'm not ambidextrous, so my right booty cheek will have to take the brunt of it for the remainder of the process.

Here is my travel plan, accompanied by Dad and LB:

  • 7:00 am wake up, inject self with first medication
  • 8:00 am Eat breakfast and pack
  • 9:00 take LB to doctor for awesome free service of Acupressure, hopefully to make her cough go away for 24 hrs.
  • 10:00 am leave for Albuquerque
  • 1:30 pm arrive at Airport parking
  • 2:00 pm Check-In
  • 2:30 Board Plane
  • 3:00 Take-Off
  • 6:00 Arrive in California after one layover in Vegas
  • 7:00 pick-up Rental Car
  • 7:30 Drive hour to hotel in outlying city
  • 8:30 Check-In to hotel with screaming, over-tired toddler
  • 9:00 Hopefully get toddler to pass out in hotel crib
  • 9:30 Inject Self with 2nd medication
  • 10:00 Pass out

I hope I will get through the day with little hassles and drama, but it will take a LOT of good karma for this to happen. I trust I've paid my dues.

Any positive wishes would be appreciated. I will see you all next week!

Monday, December 3, 2007


I don't know how to explain the utter joy a person gets when they finally have their own place to call home: A spot where you can put up little forms of permanence, like photos on the walls, curtains on the windows, soap in the bathroom, a welcome mat in front of your door. Even up putting my own roll of toilet paper gave me a helping of the warm fuzzies (yes I get to be cheesy).

When you don't have a home of your own, you are constantly on your toes, wondering "Can I leave my purse here?" "Where should I put LB's toys?" Your car becomes your mothership, where you stash emergency clothes, diapers, toys, Tylenol, food and other necessities. But its not your home, and you can never live there comfortably, especially with a child. You can't depend on things to be consistent, like your favorite chair being there at the end of the day, or having a place to cook dinner.

When we were living in a tent in Louisiana, I never felt safe, ever. I was always on the lookout for something bad to happen. Sometimes the houses we were helping rebuild looked more appealing than the concrete slab we had to return to at the end of the day. Not having a home is being on the move at all times, remembering that your belongings are few, and that everything else is borrowed, always ready to be returned, never having a permanent resting place.

From a tent, to the upstairs of a gutted house, to our boss's mansion, to the in-laws', to a caregivership, to a spider-infested cabin, to a falling-apart, stick-built craphole, to couch surfing for the last 9 months, to a brand-new, never been walked-on, carpeted, holy grail of an apartment, I have finally come home.

For those of you who helped make this possible, I don't know how to thank you. But please know, it is because of you that I can wake up in my own bed, and give my child a room of her own. Karma has nothing on you :)

Friday, November 30, 2007


You know, you wouldn't think sitting in a car for 6 hours with about an hour break in between would make you totally exhausted. But MAN. When I got home last night, I was beat. I put on Beauty and the Beast for LB, and crashed on the couch. I woke up to her sticking her Moomintroll in the toilet, saying "Potty Potty!" I will tell the story of the origin of the moomintroll and our Hippie upbringing in a later post.

My appointment was at 10:30 am, so I left a 3.5 hour time window to get there. My mother, being constant doubt in my life, told me that I should leave 4 hours to drive, and based on her past psychic predictions, and my inability to ignore her advice, decided to leave at 6:30 am instead of my planned 7 am.

By the time I got to Albuquerque, 2 cups of coffee and one green chili burrito later, I was pulling into the hospital with 5 minutes to spare. I made a quick stop to the ladies room, and waited for my appointment. I waited for about 20 minutes before I was called in for my 2 minute ultrasound. My ovaries were indeed "quiet", which means they aren't growing any more follicles than planned and are ready to be pumped up with the hormones, starting tonight.

I then had to drive across town to get blood drawn, and take a urine test. Silly because I was IN a hospital, and yet I had to drive to a DIFFERENT one for the tests. Oh Well. That took about 15 minutes.

It was noon when I finished my appointments, and I was desperately craving a trip to Sweet Tomatoes, but the worry seed had been planted. It also was starting to snow, and the drive from Albuquerque to Bloomfield is pretty much as remote as you get,; a place where you DON'T want to get stuck in a snowstorm. So I bit the bullet and turned straight back towards home, trying to get ahead of the storm.

I didn't even stop once until I got to Aztec, NM. I ate McDonalds in the car on the way back (I swear they put crack in it) and got home in time to pick up LB at daycare. Not a snowflake in sight.

Today, on the other hand, is a complete different story. Welcome to winter, Durango!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007


Here's the rest of my week:

Today my Dear Sweet MIL goes into her surgery, and I am using the money from pawning my engagement ring to send her flowers. Irony? I think its perfect actually. Since I will soon be a resident of the Three Springs Area, I may trot on over there to see her, if she is still in the hospital this weekend ( I hope not though).

I drive back to Albuquerque tomorrow for my next ultrasound. My IVF coordinator in Santa Rosa says that they are doing one to make sure my ovaries are "quiet", whatever that means. I guess it lets them know if I have been doing my injections correctly so far. That moment of revelation is stressing me out.

On Friday I sign the lease to my new apartment. Finally it will be just me and LB, in a sparkling clean, 2-story townhouse with brand new carpets and her own bedroom. And for only $730 a month! Believe me, a 2 bedroom, 1.5 bathroom rental in Durango for that price is unheard of. I really am a lucky duck.

I also get to call my fertility clinic to get instructions on how to administer an intramuscular shot. I found a ghetto instructional video online last night, and it was pretty funny. Unlike MY situation, in the video there was a ken doll-like hubby sticking a ginormous need into his barbie wife's butt, saying "There, all done, honey."

In MY video, I will be trying to stick myself in the ass, while looking over my shoulder in the bathroom mirror. YAY. Anyone want to jam a 1 1/2 inch needle into my booty? I'm taking applications, since I will be living solo as of the day I start to shoot myself with egg-growing hormones. Great timing huh?

Saturday is the big move. All of you out there who want to get your workout by lifting couches up a flight of stairs, please let me know. I promise I will buy you dinner and a round of drinks for helping me! In JL's case, I will buy her a pot of echinacea tea :)

After all of this is over, I am going to throw a nice relaxing housewarming party, and you are all invited. Maybe we can have a Johnny Depp/Ewan McGreggor/Taye Diggs movie marathon and bake cookies in my new oven? Hot Cocoa and Kahlua? Coffee and Bailey's? Sound good?

Love you all and this year I am going to make up all the Christmases I missed, so expect something good from Santa!

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Head Up

I woke up this morning, and thought about continuing my routine that I have fallen into this last week:

  1. Get up at 5:00 am
  2. Give self shot in belly.
  3. Go back to sleep until LB wakes up screaming.

I was fully prepared to crawl back under the covers, but as I was drawing up my injection, I said to myself "You're only gonna feel worse if you go back to bed, so suck it up and do your new Crunch DVD."

That urge to retreat to the layers of warmth in my bedroom is like heroin to me. The Pisces in me wants to return to the unconscious world of sleep, where nothing has to be on a routine, or make any sort of sense. Where I'm not the responsible one, obligated to worry and stress.

The fact that Ive gained back the 5 lbs Ive lost, makes this urge even more overwhelming. I want to curl up in my layers of Thanksgiving fat, and doze off again. Even if its just for 15 minutes.

But I resisted. I put the DVD in the player, and pouted through my super-perky aerobics. At least its a start, right?

And I am finally moving this weekend! See the ticker? It's almost here, and since I have such wonderful friends who are helping me, I know that we will be able to ignore the fact that its supposed to snow at least 6 inches on Saturday...oh AND Sunday.

Monday, November 26, 2007


I'm back. It really was the worst Thanksgiving ever. Besides seeing my family (which is always fun), the series of events that were conducted almost broke me.

LB was sent home from daycare on the day before Thanksgiving with a 102 fever. Her temperature stayed about 101-103 the whole rest of the week, making it impossible to keep her happy. Of course my grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousin wanted to play with and oogle over poor sick baby constantly, which only made her crabbier. On top of that, her usual daycare runny nose had become a green slime river, which refused to desist. She also had an attractive cough, that wreaked havoc on her lungs every time she inhaled.

Lets just say that sleepy time was hell. LB went to the dark side every night, (understandably, since she was unable to breathe). I think I lost my hearing on one side for an entire day. Humidifier did no good, steam shower did no good, Baby Tylenol, no good, Baby Motrin...THANK GOD.

My uncle is also in the final stages of MS. He is in a full-on, high powered go-cart, since he has lost all ability to move from the waist down. This go-cart weighs over a 1000 lbs, and our entire living room had to be cleared out, so he could maneuver around. My mother almost had a heart attack every time LB was on the floor near his cart, fearing she would be crushed under the wheels. He has hearing aides, but can't seem to follow any conversation, so he gets frustrated, and usually ends up in a screaming fit, saying we aren't including him. He has a very loud, Jewish-from-the-Bronx voice, that stands out in a small mountain town (especially at Applebee's).

LB's daddy's mom (I call her my Mother-in-Law, even though we aren't married), told us last week that she has breast cancer, and is getting a mastectomy in a few weeks. We are supposed to take some pictures of Her, LB and me, but I don't know if I'm going to be able to keep it together and look happy. I love my MIL dearly. She is such a beautiful and gentle woman, and LB adores her as a grandma. She has helped me so much, as a new mother, and I respect and admire her greatly. She has had such a hard life, and I wish there was some way I could block all forms of further suffering from impeding on her.

To top it all off, my baby daddy himself decided to let me in on some secrets he has been hiding from me for 2 years. I can't really discuss the details, its too painful. Lets just say he only proposed to me (long ago) because he felt guilty for his past actions and circumstances, and didn't know how to remedy it. So he thought he could make everything better by asking me to marry him. As of now, I had pretty much given up all hope we would ever be together, but it still hurts to know that he NEVER thought that things would work out at any point in time. It hurts to know that there was such a long absence of love on his part; and me standing on the other side without a clue.

Yeah, pretty much the worst week ever. Shooting yourself up with hormones can't help the mood either, huh? I hope everyone else had a better holiday.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Hellish November continues

My mother was in Santa Fe until this morning. She went to meet one of her old hippy friends from Alamogordo, and they spent the weekend looking at art galleries and shopping for grandbaby clothes. During all the merriment, my mother apparently dropped her cell phone in front of a little coffee shop called "The Aztec".

Ive left my phone several places before: the bar, public restrooms, parks, restaurants, on top of my car, etc... I'm sure everyone has lost their cell at one point in their lives. What do you do? Usually wait until someone finds it, dials a number and eventually gets in contact with you. Or you back track all the places you were until you find it.

Not my mother. She immediately panics, calls the phone company and has her service disconnected. So when the coffee shop called me, I had no way of getting in touch with her. My mom's friend is hippy to the core, wouldn't dare touch the idea of looking like a yuppie on her cell phone, so she doesn't own one. My mom didn't leave the number of the hotel, so I couldn't call her there.

So I email my mom, thinking she must have her laptop and will be checking it at some point before she leaves. Nope. I don't hear from her until 7:30 last night, when (of course) I am putting Lilly to bed, and am unable to hear the phone ring. She says she "thinks someone must have stolen her phone." Who steals a cell phone besides an enraged lover, or a member of the FBI? Why would someone snag a cell phone when they could have snagged her cash or credit cards instead? If someone is THAT desperate to make a call, I'm sure they would have wandered into a hotel lobby and asked to use the phone.

Either way, when I listen to the message, I call back the number and no one picks up. Today she calls me at work and says "WELL IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO HEAR FROM YOU BEFORE I LEFT SANTA FE!"

I almost lost it on her. I was so pissed. My entire yesterday was filled with miscommunication, and late correspondence.

My friend who has agreed to go with me on my trip to California all of a sudden has her OWN egg donation to go to, and can't go with me anymore. So now the agency is getting really pissy at me. They wanted to book my flight YESTERDAY, but my friend's phone line was busy for almost 45 minutes.

Now I have to find someone who is able to take a whole week off of work during Dec 6-Dec 13. Yeah, THAT'S going to be easy. So if anyone wants a free trip to California that week and would like to watch a toddler while i go under the needle, PLEASE LET ME KNOW!


Friday, November 16, 2007

Bad Mommy

I have been really frustrated this week, and I'm taking it out on my poor kid. Her sleep schedule has been out of whack, probably due to almost biting her tongue off on Sunday. She woke up almost every 2 hrs that night, and by 5:30 am, I think she was done with trying to fall back asleep. So I got up and stumbled through about 15 minutes of my workout before she was fed up with watching me.

Tuesday morning was similar, except by 3:30 am I broke down and let her sleep in the bed with me. Sharing a bed with a 17 month old consists mostly of her backing up into my stomach, trying to nest somewhere between my chin and my hip bones, while simultaneously hogging the pillow. She doesn't even HAVE a pillow in her bed, why does she want one now?! needles to say, sleep stayed away from me till my alarm went off at 5. I DID get up at 5:30, I'm happy to say and got through the dvd. It was a very half-assed workout, however. I was not satisfied.

Wednesday was a bad night. I was so exhausted that I went to bed at 9:00 pm! I haven't been in bed that early since I was in 5 grade. I thought I was smart, catching a few extra winks, so I could get up early and REALLY get a good workout. No Dice. LB was NOT sleeping, and I refused to put her in the bed with me, afraid I might sleep through my alarm in the morning. She screamed, I tried rubbing her back, she screamed, I tried singing a lullaby. She screamed so hard I was afraid he tongue might spontaneously start spewing blood again. By 2:30 am, I knew I was not getting up for my workout, and I probably wouldn't for the rest of the week, if this continued. So I yelled at my toddler "LAY DOWN AND GO TO SLEEP!"
This, of course only sent her into startled, hiccupy sobbing. So now I was feeling pissed off, completely exhausted and ridiculously guilty. I was selfishly taking my anger and guilt for not being able to participate in the workout tree like I wanted, on my child who was most likely, still in pain from her accident. So I rocked her until she finally feel asleep. I did not get up to workout that morning.

Yesterday I woke up at 5:30 and did aerobics till 6:00. Then I ate 3 cookies. What was the point of THAT. Pathetic.

Today I woke up at 5 with ALMOST a full night of sleep.Feeling good, I really pushed myself hard, determined to my time worthwhile. 20 minutes into my workout, LB arose with a fury. After 20 minutes of trying to pacify her, I was so angry about my pathetic week of exercise and junk food snacking, that I once again yelled at my baby.

Let me just say this: Once you have a baby, your needs to NOT come first anymore. You will forever be sacrificing your looks, your health, your self esteem, your pride and your wants. You will go out into public in a bathrobe, holding a puking baby in order to get medicine. You will be ashamed of your appearance, but you will have to suck it up, because your kid is sick, and the last thing you want is to end up in the ER with them.

The fact that I have gotten to the point where I am yelling at my poor, damaged child is a low, low point in my role as a mother. So what if I didn't get to the cool-down in my workout? Who cares if it is my favorite part, and gives me a sense of accomplishment? So what if my "perfect" plan of finding a time to exercise alone, is occasionally marred by a sick toddler? I know I am a mature, responsible adult, but at 3:00 am when a baby is screaming at maximum decibels in your ear, all you can think of is "I AM NEVER GOING TO GET THROUGH ANOTHER WORKOUT IN MY LIFE, AGAIN. I AM GOING TO KEEP EATING COOKIES AND NEVER BURN THEM OFF. MY TODDLER IS MAKING ME FAT!"

I know its horrible, and my stressing is only making it worse. Today I have to go over my egg donation contract with my lawyer in California, and it is 20 PAGES LONG. I also have to call my fertility clinic to make sure I know how to self-inject my medication (I start on Monday). This is totally stressing me out, because it states in the contract that if the clinic decides I don't know what I'm doing, the couple can charge me for ALL expenses involved if my eggs never get big enough. Ive only read the directions a million times, and I know I am going to be fine, but after reading 20 pages of legal issues involved in this process, my head is ready to fall off.

I have TWO potluck to attend today as well, so I will be eating pizza and tacos. Yay. Can I stress about that too, please?

Sorry my posts are always so long winded, but I think it helps my neurosis a little.

Gotta work, Laters!

Thursday, November 15, 2007


DAMN. DAMN. DAMN. I've already eaten THREE chocolate chip cookies and its only 1:00 pm. There's aren't the little keebler cookies either. These are the big, soft catered cookies from the local bakery.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Why do I have no self-control?

I actually resisted going over to the other building (like I usually do) when the secretary makes her "cookies in the break room" announcement over the loudspeaker.
I waited all the way till my boss forced me to make a run to the mail room. Then I knew it was over, because I had that feeling of excitement in my tummy, the "YAY I get to eat a cookie!" feeling. Its pathetic because I actually get excited over the thought of eating a cookie. It's like Christmas for me, walking towards the break room: Ooohh I wonder if there is any chocolate ones? How big are they going to be? How many can I stash in my hoodie for the trip back?
I pretend I'm getting a whole bunch for the rest of my office when people look at me greedily clutching a pile of cookies. Then I even offer the cookies to everyone when I get back. Its sick, but I get angry and possessive if they actually want one. I don't show it of course, but its in me.
Maybe if I stop being so dramatic and stop fantasizing about cookies all the time, then this wouldn't be such a big deal. I would have some will power for a change. Its like when I hear that voice on the intercom, it might as well be saying "Hey crackheads, all the rock you can smoke in the break room!"
When I was pregnant, I ate a chocolate chip cookie everyday at 1:30 pm. It was my after lunch snack/dessert, whatever. But it was literally like clockwork. Maybe I developed the habit then and it has stuck with me ever since. Its sad, I remember feeling the unbridled joy of eating and not worrying about what I looked like. I think a lot of pregnant women go through the same feeling. The freedom, the relief of not worrying about your weight for the first time in your life.
Anyway, that's all over, and now I have to find a backbone somewhere in my body. I think I am the first person in the world who has "dig deep" and find the strength to stand up to a plate of cookies.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

New Goal

I plan to start drinking more water, to counteract my snacking urge while sitting at the computer all day.

You Are 44% Healthy

Your diet is healthier than the average American diet - but that's not saying much!
You already know what's good for you. Just eat more of it.
Maybe I can work on my statistics a little, hmm?

Tuesday, November 13, 2007


Today I had a rough time getting up. I think I pulled a muscle doing Carmen Electra's workout yesterday, which only makes me feel old and fat. There is even a disclaimer in the beginning that says BE CAREFUL OLD PEOPLE OR YOU WILL HURT YOURSELF DURING THIS DVD. I was like "Haha, I bet some granny is trying to seductively crawl across the floor and suddenly throws her back out." 24 hours later, my hamstrings feel like they are on fire. Grrrr.

I'm also pissy because I feel like I wasted my money on 2 of the 3 hula dvds. The buns & abs one is good, but the other two are so cheesy, I wanted to puke. Someone actually wrote original songs that you learn a hula dance to. The songs are so blatantly marketed to bored housewives, it was almost offensive. One lyric actually says

"I've been doing laundry all day, now I just want to play."

Someone out there actually responds to that? Thinks that's funny? Please, you are spending a good chunk of money to produce a workout dvd, why don't you make up some creative lyrics. I don't know about all the other mamas out there, but I definitely DON'T want to workout to a song that reminds me of the domestic slavery that revolves around my homelife.

Another thing I am trying not to focus on, but is really getting to me is my stagnant weight loss. JL pointed out that we have been doing the workout tree for over a month now, and I SHOULD have lost more than 5 lbs. JL, who is a complete workout rockstar has lost A WHOLE DRESS SIZE!!! WOO HOOO!!

My body is the type that loses and gains weight very quickly, but has always stayed within the range of 135-155 lbs. I have been able to lose 5 lbs a week at one point of my life, and without getting up at 5 am every morning. I guess those days are over. I am getting old. I thought working out every day for 30 minutes would at least knock off a couple lbs a week. I have also been eating better, more salads, fish, fruits, etc....but I do have the occasional piece of pizza.

I am happy to say I have only eaten one brownie in a whole month, and have not been to McDonalds, Burger King or Wendy's either. I did eat Taco Bell yesterday though. I eat a bowl of Raisin Bran for breakfast everyday, I thought that would make a difference. But obviously its not enough. I am going to have to make even more drastic changes to my diet. I really don't know how I can squeeze any more workout time into my schedule.

It makes me want to cry to think that I can't even have the random piece of pizza. Am I going to ONLY be able to eat salad if I want to lose more weight? Am I going to have to give up tortillas completely? I have always been privy to the "Everything in moderation" philosophy, but apparently no more. I look at my paternal grandmother and aunt (both of whom seem to share the same round-faced gene pool with me), and realize what my future looks like. I need to step it up or I will be one of those out of breath moms who can't climb up the slide at the playground to save their stranded child.

I keep making excuses for myself. Well if I weighed myself with my clothes off, then I would be lighter. Oh its these hormones I'm taking for the egg donation. Well I don't have a gym pass, and I can't workout anytime. anywhere like everyone one. All LAME. But DAMN I just want to get below 150. That was my goal last week, and I failed. Its frustrating, and I think this is usually when people give up. Carmen says that a person is mostly likely to stop working out when they don't lose the weight fast enough.

I am not stopping. I like the "me" time in the morning, even if it is before dawn. I like feeling refreshed and proud of myself afterwards. It does give me a little anxiety the night before though. Sometimes I lay in bed and think "OH GOD what if I don't get up in the morning when my alarm goes off, and I lose the workout for the day?"

Ugh. I really disgust myself on how my pathetic piscesness comes spewing out sometimes. Grow a backbone girl! Stop stressing, get over it. I guess that's why I have a blog, right? To let it all out. :P

Monday, November 12, 2007

Since Everyone else did it...OKAY

Your Political Profile:

Overall: 15% Conservative, 85% Liberal

Social Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

You Are Iceman

You tried to live a normal life, but it just wasn't possible
A bit of a slacker, you rather tell jokes than cultivate your powers

Powers: turning self and others into ice, making ice weapons, becoming nearly invisible

You Are 76% A Child of the 90s

Wassup!?! You remember the 90s like they were yesterday.
And you're ready to open up a can of whoop-ass on any other decade.

You Should Drive a Green Car

You're the type of driver who sees driving as a necessary evil.
You much rather be biking or taking a pleasant walk to where you're going.
And because of this, you tend to be a "green driver" - as best as you can.
Whether this means driving a hybrid, supporting alternative fuels, or simply not littering out your window.

Monday Solitude

Well I'm deserted in my office. My female boss is in Washington DC, taking her parents and hubby's parents to do the grand tour of our capital on Veteran's Day. Her father-in-law is a WWII Vet, and she remarked to me how few soldiers are left from that era. My dad's dad was a WWII Vet, and my maternal grandfather was in Korea. Crazy to think how one day our kids and grandkids will think of WWII like we think of the Civil War. Vietnam will become WWII, and Iraq will become Vietnam, as far as age goes. Wow I am getting old.

Minor emergency last night. LB was walking into the kitchen holding one of these (which its bigger than her head), and she tripped on the rug, falling face first onto the ball. Her top teeth promptly went through her tongue, and OH MY GOD. I have never seen that much blood come out of her mouth before. I thought she bit it off. The bleeding finally stopped after stuffing a whole towel into her mouth, and eventually she stopped crying. Poor Kid. I felt so bad, I let her eat ice cream and vanilla yogurt all night, while watching the Wizard of Oz.

I googled "Tongue+bitten+orajel" because I still had a little bottle leftover from her teething, and wondered if I could use it to numb her tongue. I found the answer on an Epilepsy Message Board, which reassured me orajel would be ok on an open tongue wound.

Also after visiting the dentist a few months ago, they recommended I get weird mouthwash called Biotene. Best purchase ever, because it kills bacteria (which I was worrying about in LB's mouth) AND it contains no alcohol (ie, no screaming baby). They hygienist even told me it was safe to put a little bit on a rag and give it to toddlers. So I've been trying to keep the huge crater on her tongue clean with the mouthwash, and she seems to be doing fine this morning. Poor grandma gets to feed her applesauce and oatmeal all day long though.

So now I'm at work, which is kind of lonely, cause everyone has it off. There is Sean, the maintenance man here, putting together a desk, so at least I have someone to talk to. I also get my injectible medications this week for the egg donation. Thankfully I don't have to drive back to Albuquerque until the 29th. Apparently the first round of injections are with tiny needles (they compare them to insulin shots), so I'm not really that upset about it. The second round of shots are inter-muscular, so errrr BITE THE BULLET.

My mother was on the phone to my sister in Alaska last night, and when she told her I was going to be donating my eggs in California (very close to where I was born, actually), my sister says,

"Wow, its kind of like Salmon returning home to spawn in the same waters they were hatched in. Funny."

Geologist Humor. Oh, my family.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Out of Whack

So I didn't post yesterday because I was driving the 6 hr round trip to beautiful Albuquerque, New Mexico. I got there, spent 15 minutes in the doctor's office, and got in my car to drive home. Ugh what a drag. I did treat myself to three brand new CDs for the long-ass drive. Yes, I bought my first Britney Spears CD on itunes Tuesday night. I also bought the new cd from Little Big Town, as well as Paul Van Dyk's CD- "In Between". Eclectic mix huh? I also had my own mix, which I named "Egg Donor Mix 2007" haha- Songs ranging from "The Sweetest Girl" to "Crazy Bitch"

In other news, I have hacked the workout tree for two days in a row. I'm bad. Poor JL is the lone survivor, but I promise to get it together tomorrow. I WILL workout.

I was also shamed by a 3 year old on Tuesday, which may be one of the reasons I haven't felt inspired to workout. I was eating lunch at Himalayan Cuisine, and a little child at the other table point to me and says "Mommy, that girl is fat."

The parents quickly scooped their kid up and ushered him/her out the door. I called for the check, completely humiliated. That has never happened to me before. Nothing like a 3 year old to completely crush your good feelings on making an effort to lose weight. My mom says its just Karma, because I did the same thing when I was three. Ughhh. Either way, it was not a fun experience, and I can't wait for LB to do the same thing one day.

I also have this lingering feeling that my babydaddy is going to skip town. He's told me he is ditching his caretakership in Mancos, and feels like "starting over somewhere new". I really wouldn't know how to explain that to LB without making him look like a complete asshole. But I guess she'll figure it out on her own. Must be nice to be able to run away every time you have a problem.

I woke up numerous times last night, having bitten my tongue in my sleep. I think I need to go soak in a hot springs or something before I wake up one night choking on my own blood. Anyone have an idea on reducing stress that doesn't involve exercise or food, oh and it has to include a 17 month old toddler. UGHH.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Tuesday Quiz

Oh really? No Shite Sherlock..hehehe. I guess I'm African American as well. I was born in 1982, so they are only 3 years off. Thanks to the hotfessional, who I stole this quiz off of. Your blog is hilarious by the way. The rest of you...TAKE THE QUIZ!

You Belong in 1979

Bold and brash, you take life by the horns. Whether you're partying or protesting, you give it your all!

You Are a Blueberry Margarita

Honestly, there's no one quite like you. And believe it or not, most people think that's a bad thing!

You're open, wild, friendly, wacky, and tons of fun. You have a big personality... and a big heart.

Monday, November 5, 2007


Things I'm not happy about today:

  1. My Egg Donation is NOT going to be in New York, but Santa Rosa, California instead. I guess they mixed up the coastlines or something. I was really looking forward to finally visiting the Big Apple.
  2. I am going to have to drive to Albuquerque for my Ultrasounds instead of getting them here in Durango. I will have to take time off work for these days, as it is a 6 hour round trip. I really cannot afford to do that, ON TOP of the time I will have to take off during the actual retrieval process.
  3. I have a late meeting today, and have no one to pick up LB from daycare. Everyone is out of town, sick or busy with work or school. So I will have to leave my meeting early, another step down on my job performance.
  4. The horrendous display of shoddy footballing by my home team, The Broncos. It was just too painful to watch, honestly. I kept yelling at the screen "Champ Bailey can't cover the whole field YOU MORONS!" When even Mike Shanahan says he's embarrassed by his team, then you know it was a bad bad game.

However, these are the things I AM happy about today:

  1. Its currently 65 degrees outside, and we are pulling into the second week of November.
  2. I snuck out to see my apartment this weekend, and they actually have the numbers up, so I peeked into MY ACTUAL HOUSE!!! I saw MY ACTUAL CARPET! MY ACTUAL STOVE! I can't express how excited I was, I may even sneak out there later this week and harass a construction worker into letting me inside.
  3. I did my Hula Buns & Abs this morning, and was very satisfied with the results of my purchase. It was fun (even challenging), and I finished the whole thing before LB woke up.
  4. In general, I feel good. I can tell that my body is getting stronger. I can chase LB around the playground and not feel like I'm going to die afterwards. I am not scared of going to store, because I know I can head off my toddler before she rips down half the canned food aisle. I'm still stuck at 153 lbs, but my post-baby belly doesn't look so scary anymore, and I feel like I'm going to get below 150 this week.

So between those two conflicting ups and downs, I think I may be able to survive the day.

Friday, November 2, 2007

7:15 AM

Ok I'll make it short today. I'm sick of my long-winded rants. This is my dilemma:

  • 5 am - Wake Up Call
  • 5:15 - Begin Pilates Hell
  • 5:30 - Call JL
  • 6:00- Start Coffee
  • 6:05 - Shower
  • 6:20- Drink Cup O Joe #1, Read Durango Herald
  • 6:30- Wake up LB (if she hasn't called for me yet)
  • 6:35- Feed Toddler breakfast (try to insert liquid Vitamins somehow)
  • 6:40- Get Dressed, Do hair
  • 6:55- Change LB's diaper, get her dressed
  • 7:00- Warm-up Car
  • 7:05- Do Make-Up, brush teeth, perhaps chug Cup O Joe #2
  • 7:10- Chase Toddler around house, trying to get her coat on
  • 7:15 - In Carseat, Ready to Roll
  • 7:16- Almost fall asleep at the wheel

How come I am ready for a nap at 7:16 every morning? I've HAD one (sometimes two) cups of coffee, I've been thoroughly awake for more than 2 hours. But as soon as I get in my warm car, flip on the radio, and drive the 15-20 minutes into town, its like I'm ready for dreamland by the time I hit Wildcat Canyon. Like Clockwork, everyday!

My mother says I may be coffee crashing, but I think its an excuse to get me to stop drinking yet another "thing that is bad for me", or maybe so she can drink the whole pot. But how can I caffeine crash only 10 minutes after I drink it? That's just wrong.

So Should I quit drinking coffee? Since I've quit drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes and *ahem* other undesirable habits since partaking on this egg donation process, I guess I might as well go for broke.

What are your thoughts? Do you have the sudden need for a nap everyday? Do you think its related to caffeine intake? Ugh I guess that post wasn't really that short after all. I blame it on word vomit. :P

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Health Issues

I did not get up at 5 am today. I literally could not do it. I think all the tension from watching my first horror movie in over 2 years left me a little exhausted after I finally managed to stop looking for upside down sickles on my ceiling. Actually the movie was pretty funny for the most part. I think my favorite scene was when the town posse grabs their sawed-off shotguns (why are they always sawed-off in movies?) and hop in the back of decrepit pick-up trucks, and go off to kill some white-trash swamp-folk. Hmm....kinda like what you see in Bayfield on the weekend :) The movie also featured the hunkaliciousness of Irdis Elba, which I didn't mind at all.

But anyway, I sacrificed calorie burning for sleep this morning, and honestly, I felt even more tired when I got up at 6:30. Why, why why? What's the point in sleeping in if I feel WORSE. Maybe its the fact that my throat has gotten consistently scratchier in the last few days. I was informed TODAY that there has been Strep Throat running around our office, and nobody decided to tell us. GRRRRRRRRR. If I am getting seriously sick and its only the first of November, this winter is going to have me by the balls. If LB gets Strep, or any of my dear Friends who I have been around the last week or so, I am going to throw a fit.

Also if you haven't heard about the recent outbreak of Staph Infection, it has made its way to Colorado. CU Boulder treated 8 students who had it, and in the Herald they reported traces of it as close as MONTROSE. So my boss was just called to an "Emergency Health Meeting" about half an hour ago. I have a daughter in daycare. This is scary. So all of you out there, wash your hands and don't go near some one's dirty towels (I'm TALKING TO YOU GRADY, you work at the Rec Center!). God, I am so NOT the type of person to be paranoid, but a kid DIED from this a few weeks ago.

Ugh is November gonna be one of THOSE months?

Just be careful out there, ok? I love you all too much.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Halloween Memories

Happy Halloween everyone out there in blogland! I'm happy to say that my psychological evaluation went smoothly and the therapist said she could see no warning signs for my mental preparedness for the donation process. The tongue thing didn't phase her, I guess.

Its crazy, but about 2 minutes after I got off the phone with her, another call came in from Santa Rosa, CA. The fertility clinic that handles all the medical aspects told me to start birth control AS SOON AS I COULD. They faxed the prescription into Walgreen's and I went to pick it up, in less than an hour. Crazy, I didn't even have to pay for it.

So now I'm back on the pill (had to say goodbye to my beloved Nuvaring- boo) for two months, while the intended mama's and my cycle get on the same track. Then I will start with the big guns (injectable hormones). But, WOW I didn't really think it would happen this fast. Hopefully, my retrieval falls near the end of December, so I will get to see New York City at Christmas time. I would really love that. I loved being in Boston during the Holidays, and I can only imagine what the Big Apple is like.

But back to the current Holiday: Halloween.

My most lovable memories of today revolve around Halloween in rural Vermont. You've all heard the stories about New England in the fall: the maple trees in full color, the covered bridges, the apple cider and donuts, the white steepled churches...and its all true. Its so amazing you think its fake, like Disneyland. Living in a Autumn postcard casts a spell on you, and when you are a kid, by the time Halloween rolls around, you can hardly contain your excitement.

New England's historic splendor also contributes to full-On Halloween drama: I mean, witches were burned here, Sleepy Hollow is a REAL town, just around the corner, the graveyards have been around since the revolutionary war, and they are the essence of creepy.

Me, being the somewhat twisted, creative, hippy loner child I was, used to sit in the graveyards and write down all the names and ages of the people who were buried there. Then I would imagine what their lives were like, and how they died. I really used to enjoy being in a graveyard alone. Morbid, huh?

After moving west to Durango, I was appalled by the lack of character in the graveyards, the fact that there WASN'T a local haunted house, that they didn't sell cider by the side of the road. I remember Halloween being the most eventful and exciting night of the year. There were pumpkin patch bonfires, apple bobbing contests at every school and church event, and ONE AMAZING haunted house, which the local college and high school students collaborated on every year.

As far as trick-or-treating went, that its self was a huge deal too. All the 100+ year old Victorian and Colonial houses looked scary enough during the DAYTIME, let alone lit up with jack-o-lanterns and candles. Even at age 11, my friends and I would skip some houses, because everyone in town KNEW there was a witch living there.

We mapped out our plan for getting as MUCH candy as we possibly could, with our parents help. in the East the towns are dense little communities, and dispersed no more than 10 miles away from each other, so we planned to hit at least 3 towns, riding in the back of my parent's hatch back, for quick exiting purposes when the houses became too far apart to walk between. It was kind of a pain if your costume was too elaborate. One year I was Medusa, for which I made paper mache' snakes coming out of a hat. By the end of the night, those snakes were only ratty pieces of green paper on wires. My friend was the "shower" from the Halloween dance in The Karate Kid, and she pretty much ditched her costume after the first couple houses.
We each had a normal trick-o-treat bag, but in the car were garbage bags where we would drop off our booty after each town, and start fresh with an empty bag. Yes, we were GLUTTONS.

Since candy was strictly forbidden during the non-holiday times in our house, we lived it up from October to early January. The Halloween gorgefest was the best, all of us sorting through our pile of goodies, trading each other for the undesirables. After all the good stuff was gone, my sister and I bartered for the nasty candies, and if that negotiation failed, we spent the rest of the year playing poker with snickers as the ante.

Another method of getting the candy we wanted was playing Foosball for it. My dad had found the top of a Foosball table(no legs) at the local landfill, so we put it on the floor, playing on our knees. My sister, being the natural athlete, usually kicked my ass. One time after she won 5 games in a row, and I snatched the Foosball and chucked it right at her face. It hit her in the forehead, making her scream. My mother promptly threw out all the candy after that incident.

But damn, those were some good times.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Bad timing

LB was really clingy last night. She did NOT want to lie down in her bed. I swear when I gave her the over-the-crib hug, she did not let go until I felt her grip release because she was slowly passing out. Awww. Poor bubbo.

I was also awakened by her random high pitched cries throughout the night. Luckily, she's been able to go back to sleep on her own, but it still shakes me to hear her. I think she knows that we're moving again, plus the weekend with daddy totally messed with her daily routine.

So by 5 am, I was completely resistant to getting up. I DID manage to lurch to my feet at about 5:30, and pissily shove the workout dvd in the player. Called JL, check. My workout was pretty half-assed I must say, I was so NOT perky this morning.

To top it off, I bit my tongue last night, which has developed into a huge achy spot. There is definitely some pain when I talk, and to make it worse, I either sound like I have a lisp or I just came back from having my teeth drilled.

The cherry on TOP of this situation is that today I have my "Psychological Evaluation" over the phone with a therapist in California....for my egg donation. So she will either be unable to understand me or I will have to stop talking every two minutes to swallow drool and cringe in pain.

So, I may still be rejected, due to disfunctional tongue syndrome. Wish me luck :)

Monday, October 29, 2007


So I've advanced from Pilates for Dummies to Crunch Gym's Burn and Firm Pilates. And DAMN. I started it last Friday and hurt till yesterday. Now I think the vicious cycle has started all over again. But its a good pain, ya know? It makes it worth it to get up before dawn (which really isn't all that hard in the winter, anyway).

I was really sweatin' this morning, panting too. Actually, it was the whole stinky nine yards, now that I've upgraded to putting on shoes (another reason why I like pilates) during the standing workout. This DVD is more of a typical class you would take at the gym, complete with those hot girls who wear matching spandex shorts and sports bras, and the one gay guy in the back. The instructor however was not as annoying as she looks on the cover (which I really can't stand).

Also in workout news, I've ordered 4 NEW DVDs off of, and I'm psyched about them. Three of them are the Island Girl Series: Hula Workouts. and the other one is the infamous Carmen Electra's Striperobics. The Hula ones look like an absolute blast, and I can't wait to share them with the rest of the tree. I think after a few weeks of psyching myself up, I can pop the Striperobics in the player, and maybe actually follow along it. People have told me that for the untalented, clumsy bunch of us, its a tough workout, and its been a lonnnnngggg time since I was doing high school musicals.

If anyone is looking to buy a workout tape/dvd, believe me, this website really is awesome. You can preview clips of EVERY video on there, which is great because lets be honest, there are some bad ones out there. I even saw "Line Dancing Aerobics" when I was shopping, ye gads.

But I also saw Donna's Old School Dance Party (see right) which looks like a total hoot, especially cause its got live ,music (the Sugarhill Gang) in the background, while people are dancing in the front. I also noticed one very tense looking white girl (think Celine Dion doing aerobics) hiding behind Donna and her Crew, which is a fricken RIOT. I think I might ebay it, hell it looks fun. Check out the clip. WORD.

Friday, October 26, 2007

The unexpected

The insane month of October continues to throw curve balls at us. Here's the latest one.

About 7 months ago, I accompanied my close friend to Miami, FL to be her companion while she went through the final stage of egg donation. She decided to donate her eggs after struggling with fertility for about 3 years. After finally conceiving twins (born only two weeks after LB), she registered with an egg donation consulting firm and received almost immediately.

She asked me go with her, and through this I started to learn more about the donation process: the medication, the injections, the meticulous tracking of the cycles, the ultrasounds, all of it. After we returned from Miami, I started to get curious about my own DNA.

I was torn about donating for a long time. I figured there are so many children out there waiting to be adopted that going out of my way to assist someone in conceiving seemed selfish and unnecessary. The couples who choose egg donation want to experience pregnancy and birth, and I think those are the exact reasons they decide not to adopt. Having gone through pregnancy and birth myself, I can understand where someone might be coming from. That doesn't excuse the fact that there are more and more children born every day that need to be adopted. I think it also takes a very special and incredible person to be an adoptive parent, and not everyone can rise to that occasion.

If someone has the made the decision to have a child through egg donation, then they are prepared to sacrifice a huge amount of time, money, emotional and physical stress. Even after going through all this.....

"The success rate varies depending upon age of eggs, retrieval process, quality
of semen, and the overall health of the women involved. In most cases,
younger eggs are selected to increase the probability of success. As
high as 48% of women using donor eggs will experience pregnancy,
however approximately 15-20% of women will lose the pregnancy through miscarriage."

So its not at all a guarantee. It's a gamble. If I can provide someone with
an incredibly useful tool, especially when my eggs are just going to waste every
month anyway, I think becoming a donor would make me very proud and satisfied.

Another reason I feel justified in becoming a donor is because of the huge amount of women who have put their careers and marriages before having children. Many of the couples who choose egg donation are in their late 30s and 40s. I completely respect the decision to wait, become financially and emotionally secure and then decide to have children.

The feminist in me also says "Hey, guys donate sperm ALL the time, and nobody gives them any crap about giving up a possible child." Plus, an egg is not a child. The donor is not a mother. The family that carries it, raises and nurtures it, are the real parents. I am simply the biological component. I am the blueprint. The parents are going to build the house and live in it.

This is another reason why I would choose to be a donor, but never be a surrogate. The pregnancy stage of the fertility process is one of the most important stages of becoming a mother. That is why I think it takes someone incredibly special to adopt. Its also another reason why I think so many women who decide to give up their babies for adoption, change their mind during those 9 months. Honestly, after carrying a child for that long, thinking about it, and finally giving birth to it, I don't see how someone could give it away. To me, you go through all those things in order to create that maternal instinct, that bond that makes you NEED that baby. If I were a surrogate, I would not be able to separate myself from the baby I was carrying.

For all you mothers who gave your child up for adoption, I don't think you are disgusting or immoral. This is only my individual experience on the subject, and personally, this is why I could never be a surrogate, or give my child up for adoption. It is also the reason why I would feel no connection to my eggs after I donated them.

So that's my big news for the month: I'm going to New York City to donate.

What is your opinion on Egg Donation? Surrogacy? Adoption? Whew, the stuff you get to think about when you have girl parts.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

What's your mother's story?

"You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad"- Aldous Huxley

(My mother in a nutshell) For those of you who read my blog, I challenge you to find a quote that describes your own mother, and then tell the world why.

Here's my mom's story:

She left home at 17, trying to escape a family where her own father called her a "Nig*** Lover." After enrolling the in Redlands Community College, she dropped out after only one semester, hitchhiking north till she got to Seattle. There she lived on a houseboat, working at bakeries and fish markets until she met her first husband (I don't remember his name).

He was a Medic in the Vietnam War, and they got married when my mom was 19. He was older however, and wanted to settle down and have kids. She didn't. They divorced.

My mom moved back to California, where she enrolled at Sonoma State. She majored in Women's Studies and taught Outward Bound classes. Watching people have nervous breakdowns in the middle of the woods inspired her to get into social work. She also met my dad at Sonoma State, where he was creating a student-constructed major: Opera Performance.

He was a musician, she was a feminist. They wrote political songs together, the lived in Communes, they fell in love. They got pregnant. Thus, I came into the world.

My mom did lots of jobs in her struggle to support a family, while my father pursued his music career. She drove both school and public transit buses while we lived in L.A. My dad delivered singing telegrams, and sold suits at South Coast Plaza. But my mom never finished her degree, and my dad was working on getting his teaching licence. When an elementary music teaching position opened up, it didn't matter that it was across the country in rural Vermont.

So we left all of our relatives, and relocated from beaches and sunshine to covered bridges and snow drifts. Moving from Los Angeles, California to Shasftsbury, Vermont was basically like moving to the moon. My mom got a job working with families on Welfare, I went to a school where they made me re-learn my entire alphabet and number writing, and forced me to correct my pronunciation of the word "Apricot" and "Caramel."

My dad's teaching position did not last long. We were the California Hippies in Puritan New England, and the school district though my dad's teaching style was "inappropriate." He was fired only 6 months after we moved. I don't think either my mother or my father recovered from this moment in our lives. I really can't talk about it either. Let's just say when you go the school where your dad is one of the most talked-about and despised teachers, your life isn't very pleasant.

My mom continued to work for Social Services. My dad bounced from one job to the other, working at music stores, trying to fund raise money to make an album, but mostly I remember him being unemployed for long periods of time. My parents fought for almost all of the 7 years we lived in Vermont.

Finally my mother couldn't take it anymore. She was displaced from her friends and family, almost continent away. She lived in bitter cold winters, putridly humid summers, and was working a job that was only making her hate the government even more. She told my Dad that she wanted to move back west, and she wanted to live in Colorado.

So we up and hauled our lives back across the country. I think my mother had such high hopes, like she was leaving all her worries behind us in Cold, Bitter New England. For the next 4 years, we moved from rental to rental, while my mom worked for the Southern Ute Tribe, teaching adult literacy, computer skills, and head start programs. My dad did everything from Factory work, carpet cleaning and lots of temping. He also played gigs whenever he could, recording a few albums, but my mother was still paying most of the bills.

After 20+ years of working for public service, she gave up. She told me one day that it had just drained everything out of her. I think the goodwill she so desperately wanted to share with people back in the 70s had been sucked dry and was replaced by a constant, churning anger.

She was angry at my dad because he had always followed his dream, while she sucked it up and supported her family. She was angry at the government for making her job of helping people almost impossible. She was angry at the families who just didn't seem to care, or make enough effort to satisfy her. She was angry at the economy which forced us to keep moving every year, in order to find affordable housing.

People (including myself) used to be afraid of my mother. She was a fire-breathing, man-hating, liberal feminist who seemed to radiate bitterness. I think some of my friends (and definitely LB's dad) still are.

I love my mother. I respect her more than any other woman out there. What she sacrificed for her family, honestly brings me to tears sometimes. The thought of her amazing idealism shriveling up and dying pains me tremendously. I love her, and am in awe of her. So when she says things like this to me:

"You didn't USED to always have to learn things the hard way"

I can take it with a grain of sand.

I love you mom :)

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

The Magic of the Pumpkin Hat

Ok, Curmudgfest. You have no idea what an impact your pumpkin hat has had on LB's and my life. Here is a few examples of what happens when I go out in public with Doo Doo Bear sportin' the pumpkin.

  • Hey there pumpkin head!
  • That is the cutest hat EVER!
  • Hey Punkin".
  • Watch out! Pumpkin on the loose!
  • Aww look at the pumpkin.
  • Where did you GET that hat?
  • Look at the baby mom, she's wearing a pumpkin hat!
  • She is so get the point

I get stopped by the usual mamas and grandmamas, but also children of all shapes and sizes, dads, granddads, teenagers, construction workers, bankers, drivers on the road.....It never ends I tell you.

And just so you know, I feel I can take no credit whatsoever. So instead of saying "Thanks", I immediately go directly to "My friend knitted it herself, isn't it awesome?" Because OMG, I have never been stopped by someone oogling my kid as much as this last month.

I even saw your MOTHER yesterday on the street, and let her coo over LB. So Thank you, thank you for your skilled work as a knitter and kind auntie. And also CURSE YOUR magic needles because LB won't part with the hat for more than 2 seconds, and it now takes me over and hour to get my shopping done at Wal-Mart, as well as walk the measly 9 blocks of main street. hehehe. Cheers.