Friday, November 16, 2007

Bad Mommy

I have been really frustrated this week, and I'm taking it out on my poor kid. Her sleep schedule has been out of whack, probably due to almost biting her tongue off on Sunday. She woke up almost every 2 hrs that night, and by 5:30 am, I think she was done with trying to fall back asleep. So I got up and stumbled through about 15 minutes of my workout before she was fed up with watching me.

Tuesday morning was similar, except by 3:30 am I broke down and let her sleep in the bed with me. Sharing a bed with a 17 month old consists mostly of her backing up into my stomach, trying to nest somewhere between my chin and my hip bones, while simultaneously hogging the pillow. She doesn't even HAVE a pillow in her bed, why does she want one now?! needles to say, sleep stayed away from me till my alarm went off at 5. I DID get up at 5:30, I'm happy to say and got through the dvd. It was a very half-assed workout, however. I was not satisfied.

Wednesday was a bad night. I was so exhausted that I went to bed at 9:00 pm! I haven't been in bed that early since I was in 5 grade. I thought I was smart, catching a few extra winks, so I could get up early and REALLY get a good workout. No Dice. LB was NOT sleeping, and I refused to put her in the bed with me, afraid I might sleep through my alarm in the morning. She screamed, I tried rubbing her back, she screamed, I tried singing a lullaby. She screamed so hard I was afraid he tongue might spontaneously start spewing blood again. By 2:30 am, I knew I was not getting up for my workout, and I probably wouldn't for the rest of the week, if this continued. So I yelled at my toddler "LAY DOWN AND GO TO SLEEP!"
This, of course only sent her into startled, hiccupy sobbing. So now I was feeling pissed off, completely exhausted and ridiculously guilty. I was selfishly taking my anger and guilt for not being able to participate in the workout tree like I wanted, on my child who was most likely, still in pain from her accident. So I rocked her until she finally feel asleep. I did not get up to workout that morning.

Yesterday I woke up at 5:30 and did aerobics till 6:00. Then I ate 3 cookies. What was the point of THAT. Pathetic.

Today I woke up at 5 with ALMOST a full night of sleep.Feeling good, I really pushed myself hard, determined to my time worthwhile. 20 minutes into my workout, LB arose with a fury. After 20 minutes of trying to pacify her, I was so angry about my pathetic week of exercise and junk food snacking, that I once again yelled at my baby.

Let me just say this: Once you have a baby, your needs to NOT come first anymore. You will forever be sacrificing your looks, your health, your self esteem, your pride and your wants. You will go out into public in a bathrobe, holding a puking baby in order to get medicine. You will be ashamed of your appearance, but you will have to suck it up, because your kid is sick, and the last thing you want is to end up in the ER with them.

The fact that I have gotten to the point where I am yelling at my poor, damaged child is a low, low point in my role as a mother. So what if I didn't get to the cool-down in my workout? Who cares if it is my favorite part, and gives me a sense of accomplishment? So what if my "perfect" plan of finding a time to exercise alone, is occasionally marred by a sick toddler? I know I am a mature, responsible adult, but at 3:00 am when a baby is screaming at maximum decibels in your ear, all you can think of is "I AM NEVER GOING TO GET THROUGH ANOTHER WORKOUT IN MY LIFE, AGAIN. I AM GOING TO KEEP EATING COOKIES AND NEVER BURN THEM OFF. MY TODDLER IS MAKING ME FAT!"

I know its horrible, and my stressing is only making it worse. Today I have to go over my egg donation contract with my lawyer in California, and it is 20 PAGES LONG. I also have to call my fertility clinic to make sure I know how to self-inject my medication (I start on Monday). This is totally stressing me out, because it states in the contract that if the clinic decides I don't know what I'm doing, the couple can charge me for ALL expenses involved if my eggs never get big enough. Ive only read the directions a million times, and I know I am going to be fine, but after reading 20 pages of legal issues involved in this process, my head is ready to fall off.

I have TWO potluck to attend today as well, so I will be eating pizza and tacos. Yay. Can I stress about that too, please?

Sorry my posts are always so long winded, but I think it helps my neurosis a little.

Gotta work, Laters!


The Hotfessional said...

It gets better. Promise. Wish I was near you so I could help.

Anonymous said...

Wow, I'm so sorry about all the craziness. No worries about our tree either, it'll be there when you have time =) Good luck with the potluck and have fun. See you tomorrow! Love you lots!!

KarmaTee said...

A Number 1, it's okay that you got frustrated and told her to go to sleep. You are a good mom and sometimes, munchkins just need to cry it out. Don't take that out on yourself.
B Number 2, You and I both know that although you'd rather get in an hour-long workout (preferably on the beach of some pristine island!), the 20 minutes you did get made a difference. And missing a day here and there is not going to destroy your health or fitness. Don't take that out on yourself, either.
C Number 3, I just want to remind you that the oatmeal cookies at Bread have flax and sunflower seeds in them, which mean they are high in protein and Omega-3s, which make them practically health food. So maybe just skip the chocolate chips and go right for the oatmeal, and tell yourself that Hey! This is good for me! Life is way too short to spend even one second of it stressing over a damn cookie.
Take care of yourself, lday.