Wednesday, January 30, 2008


LB and I both had a rough time last night. She woke up at 11:30 and started crying. When I got to her room, the crying had morphed into high pitched screeching. I tried picking her up and rocking her, but she weighs about 23 lbs now, and stands to my mid thigh. She was having NONE of the "Hush little baby" act last night. She is over the croup, and didn't seem to be in pain, so I was at a loss to why she was so upset. The more I tried to hug her, the more she turned into cherry-faced, rigor-mortis toddler.

It was not pretty. I was finally able to calm her down by singing trusty Ole' "Over the Rainbow", but I continued to hear her whimpering on and off throughout the night.

Kind of made me wonder: Is she starting to have nightmares already? That makes me sad. What would make a 19 month old wake up screaming in the night? Maybe its her mom, who leaks stress hormones from her pores, 24 hours a day.

Once I was able to get back to sleep (around 1 am), my neighbor must have slammed the door real loud and I literally sat straight up in bed, heart pounding. Ok, breathe. I really need to relax.

All though Driving in blizzard conditions isn't helping me either.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Golden Birthday

Having gone to independent schools, charter schools, and other liberal hippie alternative schools (as well as the standard public schools), I have acquired odd facts and traditions from all over the world. I don't even know where some of them came from, or why I still remember them, but I do.

For instance, I always try to say "White Rabbit" on the first day of every month, which apparently means you will have good luck for the whole month after. This was instilled in me during my days at Hiland Hall School, a tiny alternative school, where I learned to sew my own clothes and read Shakespeare at a young age. I remember as a child, my sister would have notes posted all around her bedroom, saying "white rabbit" or "don't forget white rabbit" in hopes she would remember to say it when she woke up.

Besides conducting studies in astrology, numerology and tarot cards in my early teens, I also came across the notion of the Golden Birthday. What does it mean? Does it mean good luck? Does it mean something special happens the year you turn your "golden" age? Well, this year is my golden birthday. I turn 26 on February 26, 2008.

I'm hoping this is a good omen, if you believe in that sort of thing.

Monday, January 28, 2008


Jijikero lent me the kooky anime Paprika this weekend, and I have had weird dreams every night since then. If you haven't seen it, and you like Japanese animation, rent it. Its trippy, even without the acid.

Last night I dreamed I was spending the night at JL's house, and there was a whole baseball team sprawled over her house, watching TV, eating food, hanging out in general. There were people in every room, in the bathroom, in the closets. Another funny thing was JL's house was like the wardrobe in "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe," it just kept going, and the rooms kept getting smaller. I walked through the entire house, trying to find an empty room I could sleep in, and eventually I got to the back room, which looked remarkably like the room that she is currently remodeling for her new business. It was cold, but I laid down and went to sleep anyway.

The first person who called me this morning? JL, asking if I wanted to brave the blizzard in her Cherry Red Truck.

Maybe I'm slowly developing my own psychic abilities.


Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Meditation of the Day

I talked to a wise, wise person yesterday while I was home with a sick, teething toddler. His advice was:
Don't be a Martyr
Another goal to work towards. Suppressing the horrid Piscean tendency towards this is going to be rough. Can you be strong without being angry? Peaceful without being complacent? Spiritual without being Ignorant? Dedicated without being a martyr?
I hope I can find the answers to these questions.

Monday, January 21, 2008


I just want to say how grateful I am to have such kick-ass friends. And now that they are entering into the blogging community, I can learn even more about them...hehe. But seriously, you know who you are, and you know what a hard time this is for me, and I just want to thank you for being there to back me up, to cheer me up and to hold me up (literally, I turned into a rag doll on the couch this weekend).

I am always in awe how confident, strong and amazing you all are. How did I get to have THREE LEOS as my best friends? How lucky can a fish be? Ok enough gushing. Just wanted you all to know that you filled my weekend with joy and a deep sense of security. It was nice to know that the empty void that has been consuming my 2008 can be filled with love. I wish you could all stay in my (or in your) living room forever.

Word to ya mothas.

Friday, January 18, 2008


I haven't been working out at all this year. I feel kind of bad having the weight loss ticker on my page, even if it is moving in the right direction. I lost another pound. Why? Maybe I'm wasting away due to stress. Maybe its because everything I put into my mouth tastes like ash. Maybe its because when I wake up in the morning, there is a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that doesn't go away till afternoon. Maybe its because whenever I even think of the words "custody," "court," "petition" and "child support enforcement," there is no room in my body for anything else besides pain.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008


I know I have to let this go. I know I have to get over this. But there is this deep pit of rage inside me that keeps simmering. I'm trying to cool it off, let it sit, and ignore it in any way that I possibly can. I'm hoping that if I keep the "glass half full" outlook, then I'm gonna be ok.

Its bad today. Its making me want to stick pins in my eyes. I remember the last time I was this angry at a person, I wrote in my diary that I wanted to force them to eat an aborted fetus. That's evil. But that's how evil I'm feeling.

Maybe I'm not trying as hard as I can. As sick as I feel today, maybe I'm secretly honing this anger, keeping myself warm. Maybe deep down in that pit of rage, I'm hiding, because what if one day that rage is replaced by the inevitable? Fear.

Monday, January 14, 2008


LB has put together her first two phrases. I don't think they qualify as real sentences, since her enunciation is pretty weak at this point. In other words, her phrases sound like literary mashed potatoes. Lets see if you can figure out what she's trying to tell me

  1. Whahappintamoosik?

  2. Taberwhahyou?

Funny, cause both are questions and both are shouted at maximum decibels.

The first phrase appeared while she was figuring out how to turn the clock radio/noise maker on and off. I was folding laundry, listening to the radio (having yet to re-purchase a CD player or iPod), when LB discovered that her button pushing makes the music disappear. A shocked look flew across her face, and she asks (with great concern):

"Wha happin ta moosik?"

It didn't take her long to figure out how to turn the radio back on, and say with satisfaction


Its a game now. She pushes the button, turning the radio on and off, repeating these two phrases with growing excitement, until she gets frustrated at my lack of attention and starts screaming.

The other phrase popped up during my attempts to get her into her bedroom at night without a fight. After asking her if she was ready for bed, and getting a flat out "NO!" I switched tactics to inanimate object manipulation.

I started saying "Teddy bear is waiting for us to read him a story, lets go find him. Teddy Bear, where are you?"

This quickly turned into a frantic "TA BERR WH AH YOU???!"

Ooops. Lets give my 19 month old anxiety issues. Yay.

I guess its cuter than the orders she gives to me:


Friday, January 11, 2008

Thanks to Hotfessional

Thanks for the link, girl. Hilarious pictures. Have an fantabulous day, everyone!


Last night I took myself and my 19 month old out for dinner. Alone. Since she is going through the anti-public-space phase, I was a little worried about how she would handle a restaurant without back up on hand. I was also still in my work clothes, which consist of skirt, heels and hose, and are not easy to chase a toddler in. But I took a chance and headed in for some Chinese.

I am so lucky to have such a great kid. She of course was her usual charm-the-pants-off-everyone-in-a-2-mile-radius self, and as long as I kept switching up the entertainment options every few minutes, she was fine. In other words, a tight circulation of book reading, block stacking, water sipping, peekaboo playing and thing naming was required to keep the dark side of a Gemini at bay. Much thanks to the employees of Mongolian Grill, who got the food on the table within 15 minutes of our arrival. Double yay. I left fat tippage.

I also managed to squeeze in a trip to Wal-Mart for some brownie mix, and purchase a buy two-get-two free DVD deal from Game Stop. All without a major toddler breakdown. I was wicked proud, but mostly relieved. If I can get through an evening like that, AFTER working an 8 hour day, and still get LB to bed before 8:00 pm, it makes me think I can handle this single mom thing after-all.

I was so pumped, I actually baked brownies after LB went to bed, instead of popping in my new DVDs. And the best part? I didn't even eat any of them. Nope. I have decided to give them to the construction workers who have basically saved everyone's ass this week by using their front end loader to plow our cars out.

Well I would have given them brownies, if I had followed the *High Altitude Directions on the box. Oh well. Another stop at Wal-Mart tonight will remedy this problem. Hopefully I will end up with yummy chocolate goodness instead of high altitude sludge cake.

Also. My fortune at the Chinese restaurant:

You need to forgive that person today. Just believe me.


Thursday, January 10, 2008

Motivation to return to the Tree

In the spirit of the new year, working out, being a better person, and a shout-out to 10 out of 10. I stumbled upon this list and threw up in my mouth a little. Thanks to the good doctor.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Good Morning

Short post, because I have a pile of billing to get through today. Its snowing again. Yay. My boss is so damn cheery about it, gushing about finally having a real winter. I know she is right. I know that this summer will bring happy farmers, full wells, stoked river runners, and overall relief about the drought that has been chewing at SW Colorado's neck.

I'm just praying to the snow gods to keep me and LB safe in the process.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Day 2 Winterland

Ok, so the plows got their act together and made the roads driveable for us non-4-wheel-drive morons. Everything was awesome except for two spots:

  • The hill in front of my work's parking lot
  • The road going to my house

In the first minute I was in my car, I made a huge driving error and decided to go straight down one of the only un-plowed streets in Durango. This street also happens to be at an almost 45 degree angle. I knew the moment I came to the top of the hill, that it was a mistake. At the very bottom a truck was cockeyed with its bumper smashed into the headlights of a little sedan.

"Oh man. This is not a good idea," I thought.

Halfway down the hill, I noticed that the same incident had taken place between a red POS Geo and a Beamer.

"Oh Crap. Why I am going down this hill?" I said.

Tire starts to slip. Ford Escort proceeds to ice skate sideways down the evil street. Tapping brakes, now. No Dice. Full out of control sliding commences.

"OH SH**, OH SH**, OH SH**!!" I yell.

My POS 96' Ford slams into a nice, expensive SAAB, which happens to be parked facing uphill, so I put a nice canyon into the left fender of her hubby's car. YAY.

At least both our cars were still drivable. At least I didn't have to pay for a tow truck. At least I was able to pick up LB from daycare before another blizzard commences. At least it was 3 pm instead of 3 am, and I wasn't alone in the middle of nowhere. At least the lady was nice to me. At least she showed up a few minutes after I hit her, and she was able to move her car, so I could move mine.

So many positive things right?

What does my mother say?

"Its still points against your insurance."

She also told me that I need a 4-wheel drive vehicle. I have NEVER heard these words come from my mom's lips. She has lived in Colorado for 13 years now, and NEVER has owned a car with 4-wheel drive. I think deep down she considers herself an amazing driver who doesn't NEED to rely on something as expensive as 4-wheel drive, and that all those other people who have it are just bad drivers, or wusses. So for her to say that to me is a little insulting.

However, all of the REAL locals around here have told me that we haven't HAD a Colorado winter in over 10 years, and maybe finally things are going back to normal. I would love it if my mother was forced to buy an SUV, because her impeccable driving ability couldn't face the long winter.

Now excuse me while I wash the bittnerness from my lily-white, 2008 karma.

Monday, January 7, 2008


In case you don't hear from me in the next few days, its because Colorado is getting hit by a ginormous winter storm. This weekend, hell froze over. 1-2 feet of snow at my apartment, and more on the way. A lot of people have lost power, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I will still have mine when I get home today...IF I get home, that is.

Driving conditions this weekend could be compared to the navigation of tugboats in a harbor. Everyone on the road was maneuvering in slow-motion, kicking up waves of slush as they, lurched around corners and slid through the snow. I was biting my lip, waiting for it all to freeze overnight. The lights flickered on and off for about 3 hours, Saturday night. I lit candles on my stove, having no matches in the house. Urg.

Good Ole JL came to my rescue with her trusty Chevy. She bulldozed through the slush and snow with her all mighty, cherry-red Silverado in order to take us to our good friend's launch of her fashion line, Haute Diggity. We had a great time, and it was really amazing to see a friend's art come to life onstage. Since I have so little knowledge of the fashion industry, it was really a treat to witness a local slice of it.

As for this morning, the road to my apartment was impassible in my low-riding Ford Escort. Thankfully, there still are construction workers littered across the property, who pushed me over the snowbank and onto the ice-stricken main road. My 20 minute commute morphed into an hour long escapade, with school buses sliding through red lights, and panicked Florida tourists skidding sideways all the way through town. I dropped my daughter off at daycare, had to get pushed out of THAT unplowed parking lot, and barely made it up the hill to my work.

Now I'm sitting at my desk wondering if I should have come in to town at all. Its snowing again. Schools are on a delay, but probably will close early. I probably should go buy a book of matches and a flashlight, but I can't even imagine what Wal-Mart looks like right now. People are stocking up for the Long Winter, Colorado style. Its move it or lose it, you front-wheel drive, family-wagon, POS suckas!

JL, I may call on your services again, so keep your cell phone handy. Everyone else out there in winter wonderland, be safe and may the force of electricity be with you!

Friday, January 4, 2008


So, what goes around comes around, right? But is it also bad karma to feel an evil sense of happiness when a person gets what is coming to them?

My baby's daddy has a bad case of Shingles; a very painful, truly disgusting form of herpes. Since he has moved in with his new girlfriend and her two kids, they all have had an outbreak of chicken pox, and he managed to develop the more serious version of it.

They say that people who have emotional and physical stress, and who don't take good care of themselves are more susceptible to the virus. Is that him in a nutshell? Yup.

Is he suffering? Yes.
Am I happy about it? .......ummm.

Can I really be happy about someone else's pain? I think that in itself is asking for more pain to come my way. However, I think I can feel some satisfaction that I take GOOD care of myself and my daughter, while he is off doing God-Knows-What.

At the same time, it makes me scared. Scared that he might put LB at risk. Scared that I maybe I shouldn't let her out of my sight. Is this how people become paranoid moms? Is this the reason why my mother moved us from LA to the backwoods of Vermont? Is this the reason why my grandmother has given her friggin poodle a heart condition?

I don't want to be that mom. I want to give my daughter strength and intelligence, not hide her away from the world. But she's so little, I have to protect her too. I guess I have 3-4 weeks to devise a plan before he can have any contact with her.

Part of me (the Pisces part) thinks how the hell did he know that his stanky girlfriend's kids were gonna get sick with the chicken pox? But then the other part says "Why the hell did he decide to move in with her in the first place?"

What do you think?

Thursday, January 3, 2008

"Spiritual Insights" into 2008

I woke up this morning feeling a little eh....Let me insert an obscure movie quote here:

"You do ever feel like you are just this far from being completely hysterical 24 hours a day?" - Mary-Louise Parker, Grand Canyon -1991.

Ok, so its a little dramatic, and from a semi-crappy Lawrence Kasdan movie, but that's how I'm feeling today. On New Year's Eve, I prayed for peace, courage and wisdom in 2008 , and I'm trying to stick to that. Part of me thinks I'm doing a great job (3 days into the New Year..Haha) and part of me thinks that I'm just holding back a serious breakdown, in order to pretend that I'm really courageous deep down.

Whatever the reason I feel so horrible today, I guess finding peace means that if I DO have a breakdown and act un-courageously sometime this year, I will be able to accept that and move on without regret. Its just a lot scarier to accept that once you have another little person (who you don't want to scar with your impending meltdown) to worry about.

Having wisdom means using all your experiences in order to direct your life in the way it should be going. Or maybe it means something else, and I have yet to figure it out, but right now that's what it means to me. I hope I am smart enough to figure it out.

I had a dream last night that I was beatmatching the "Truth/Trust" Remix by George Acosta and "Walking on Clouds" by Tiesto, and I made this incredible, seamless, heavenly song. It was so amazing that even my mom looked happy for a second.

I'm hoping this is a premonition for my life in 2008. Beatmatching is the stepping stone for all other DJing abilities, and its hard to separate the two songs in your head, then figure out how to put them back together so they fit. But once you get it, a whole new world opens up. Its like snowboarding, which is pretty difficult to learn, but after you get the basics, its all downhill from there.

I don't want to decode my own dream to deeply, but maybe it means that I will be able to "beatmatch" the jagged parts of my life that are hurting me right now, and find some kind of fluency to that pain. Maybe I can turn the severed end of this part of my life into something beautiful and new. I am going to DJ the fragmented pieces into something that makes sense, a club anthem for all the single moms out there! Get your glow sticks out mamas!

Ok seriously. I do have good news. Out of the stress, pain and chaos of these last few months, the couple who received my 25 little eggies are officially PREGNANT. That in itself fills me with a tremendous sense of happiness and fulfillment. Even if my life is a wreck, I know that out there, a family is overflowing with joy, and at least had a little part in it.

P.S. I also lost 3 pounds :) How did THAT happen? Its always nice when you step on the scale, feeling as low as you possibly can, and are pleasantly surprised. Take THAT Christmas candy!