Monday, December 31, 2007

Eve of 2008

I haven't posted in a while because:

  • I don't have Internet at home
  • I've been on the road traveling
  • Its been a rough couple of weeks

The Christmas in Arizona consisted of a 6 hour road trip with a neurotic poodle, accompanied by an okie grandma who snarled "Ima SMACK YOU!" every few minutes. Add that to carseat constricted toddler, and a road through the Navajo Nation that only has 3 major towns along a stretch of 300 miles. Wow that was fun.

Total chaos arose the day after Christmas when my mother, taking my grandmother on her shopping spree to Kohls, got fed up with her mom's obsessive poodle preening and told her that the dog doesn't have any real problems, its all in my grandmother's head, and she makes herself crazy over it. My grandmother responded with "Get off my back!" and "I didn't even want to come on this F**KING trip anyway!"

Thinking how petty all this was, I decided to force mommy dearest and grandma to make up. I went and talked to both of them in private and they eventually hugged and forgave each other. My mother said I "healed" the family. Fricken Hippies.

My sister who flew down from her home in Alaska thinks that the real "reason" my family has come together is because I introduced the first offspring of my generation. LB is now the glue of the family. My sis says she feels selfish for saying that. I said yeah, go get knocked up unexpectedly and raise your own damn kid. Ok. I didn't say that.

I had my first gathering at my new apartment, and it was so awesome. Having all my friends crammed (and I mean crammed) into my living room with LB climbing over piles of presents, and dogs, and plates of pizza. It was exactly why I have been longing for my own place, so I could share moments like that with the people I love.

My dad, however has NOT been having those warm happy feelings, now that he is down in Brazil. His perfect getaway was marred only 3 days after his arrival. He was on the beach outside his hotel when he was mugged by 4 guys. They took his wallet and his shitty watch, but most of all, I think my dad's romantic spirit was somewhat destroyed. The most important thing is that he's ok, and hopefully can enjoy the rest of his vacation. I guess my dad always has to learn things in his own way :(

But the lowest point of my past two weeks was that LB's daddy informed me that he is indeed seeing someone else, and is MOVING in with her at the end of the week. What a desperate loser. Can't even support himself and find a place to live on his own. He has to hook up with some desperate single mom of a 3 and 7 yr old, and stay at their house. How is that an improvement over living with me and LB? I don't understand him, and I sure as hell am glad I am no longer responsible for him. I can't say it doesn't hurt me just a tiny bit though.

2008 are you a kinder, gentler year?

Friday, December 21, 2007

Holiday Blues

Sometimes I look at my previous posting titles and I wonder if I intended to write an entirely different theme, but somehow got distracted between the title and the body. Wow.

Last night I went over to my MIL's house, where her brother had driven all the way from California to see her. She is doing so well after her mastectomy, and its always such a pleasure to be around her. Plus LB just eats up the adoration. We exchanged gifts, since I won't be around the baby daddy side of the family this year.

This made me sad for some reason. I really don't WANT to be around He-who-shall-not-be-named in the current situation at all, but I love his family dearly. The last two Christmases we have driven the hellish 15 hour drive to Long Beach, CA to see LB's Auntie. The first time I was 6 months pregnant, the second time, LB was 6 months old.

Part of me had begun to settle into a family tradition, and begun to look forward to it. This year everything is different, and there will be no jaunt to California by the three of us. There is no "three of us" anymore, really. Its LB and Me, and HIM.

Last night when her daddy finally showed up at his mom's house at 8:40 pm, I had given up on seeing him and was about to walk out the door. So there is a time period of 15 minutes where he clutches LB to his chest and hugs her before saying goodbye for Christmas. She cried and cried when we left, and after she had fallen asleep in the car, I cried.

I shouldn't have to rip my child away from her dad after only 15 minutes. I shouldn't have to miss being with a family that I have grown to love. I shouldn't have to feel guilty that I didn't try hard enough to keep us together as a family. But it doesn't matter. I do feel guilty and sad, and I DO have to make these choices that I hate to make.

As I was walking up the stairs to my apartment, a guy who looked 20-something pulled up in a Bronco. He said hi, and I greeted him. He works up at Purgatory and had just gotten off work. He lives about 3 doors down from me, so its nice to know a neighbor. As I was opening my door, he turns to me and asks

"Are you able to give the baby a Christmas this year?"

I was shocked. I just nodded. He said if I ever needed anything, I should just knock on his door.
I thanked him and went inside. I put my sleeping child to bed, and cried and cried and cried.

I can't really pin point the reason. I could be crying from the kindness of my neighbor. I could be crying because I have never been asked that question and I look like a person who needs help now. Or maybe its because of the horrible car wreck that happened this week, where a 25 year old father-to-be was killed, driving to work from Bayfield. Or maybe I'm crying because I'm lonely, and I don't want my daughter to be unhappy. Sometimes I'm afraid I've create a life for her that is going to be filled with more hardships than most kids have to face.

Whatever the reason, I feel blue today. I know I should be wallowing in the Christmas Spirit, but its hard right now.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Sedona for the Holidays

Stinky Bear got a BIIIIGGGG Present last night from my mother. It was one of these. All to herself. No siblings to share it with, and at the age of 18 1/2 months. Can we say spoiled? Nah, just really really lucky.

After single-handedly putting the contraption together, I tried to fit it into the one empty corner of my new apartment. No dice. The thing is bigger than I am.

I think we are finally settling into our place, even if there are still boxes laying around, and I have neither a TV or computer, which means no cable or Internet. I am only HALF a real person, right? I have been abusing my work computer privileges for a good 9 months now, and I think its reasonably harmless. I'm not surfing for porn.

Boo Boo Bear has noticed that there are lots of loud noises in an apartment complex, and we are on the quiet end of the building, right by the staircase. This actually gives us the bonus of side-street parking access, as well as a tiny extra window, where there would have been an adjoining apartment instead. But most of the noise comes from INSIDE the apartment.

Our toilet, for example, has suction force of a black hole. I swear I can hear particles separating mid-flush. This is actually a WELCOME change from the pathetic run of toilets that I've had. You know the ones that blow a raspberry at you, gurgle for a second and call it quits, leaving the turd rotating in the bowl. Gross, I know. I used to have to keep a cooking pot of water by the toilet so I could add that extra water power during flushing. Now THAT is white trash.

But not anymore. LB's eyes go wide when the toilet flushes, and she promptly says to me "Toilet LOUD!"

Our Heater is also at maximum tunnelforce capacity. My To-Do lists regularly get blown off the counter, as well as the coupons I've been saving. LB rounds them up, and usually puts them in the garbage, saying "TWASH."

Other than that, I am relishing everything about my living situation. I only have one question: When I can I add a kitty to 24 hr girl party?

Monday, December 17, 2007

Back to Black

Ok, so I didn't really come back to black. In fact I came back to endless upon endless fields of pure white snow. If you read JL's hijinks, you'll know that while I was basking in 60 degree weather (ok 57ish mostly), Colorado and got dumped on. I get the sweet after effects, without having to drive in a blizzard. Word.

I really can't think of one single word to describe my trip. So many different emotions, thoughts and experiences. As far as the workout tree goes, all I have to say is sadly, its amazing how your good food choices go out the window when you get to eat for free. Yeah. I gorged. My dad was worse though, trying to take every advantage of his meal ticket he could....buffets, champagne, desserts, not to mention the endless supply of WINE that surrounds you in Northern California. He was shameless, but its kind of a family tradition.

He took me to the little house I was born it; probably no bigger than 800 sq feet, perched on the slope of a steep, narrow street. My mom would have nothing to do with any "medical professional" telling her what to do during labor. If women had babies in caves thousands of years ago, then she could do it in the comfort of her own home. Needless to say, I wasn't born in a hospital. Looking at this house, I couldn't help but think of how scared my mom must have been, laboring alone in the tiny, dark bedroom, while my dad slept (he woke up for the birth). I honestly don't know how she did it. I was a 9lb baby for God's sake.

Being in the city of my birth, and taking part of the egg donation process was an odd sensation. I kept wondering if the couple maybe lived near where I was born, or shopped at the same stores my parents did. Would their future child be running around the wine fields, and jumping into the ocean like I did? Would they ever eat at the bakery where my mom used to work? I guess these are questions I will never know, but in some strange astrological coincidence, here I am, donating to a couple who live in the same place I am from.

I will admit that the last days of egg donation are NOT pleasant. I honestly had gotten comfortable with the injections. I could stick myself in the ass with my eyes closed and not flinch. I was SO comfortable with the whole deal that when the following situation occurred, I barely batted an eyelash.

(SCENE: Father, Daughter and Grandbaby have arrived in California, late, and have picked up rental car. They drive north through torrents of rain.)
DAUGHTER: Ok Dad, its 10:30 pm, and we still haven't gotten to the hotel. I need to take my shot.
FATHER: Hmmmm. I'm hungry.
DAUGHTER: Seriously. If I don't give myself this shot, there was no point in coming here.
FATHER: Well where are you going to do it? We're on the freeway.
DAUGHTER: All I need is a bathroom.
FATHER: Hey look! An IN-N-OUT Burger!

Yes. I actually stuck a needle in my butt in the public restroom of an In & Out Burger. How Rockstar am I? :) It didn't help that all the kids are getting ready to go out the bars, clubs, shows, concerts, holiday 10:30 pm. I whipped out my vials of medication, syringes, prep pads and went to work as fast as I could. I'm surprised they didn't call the cops on me. Pretty hilarious sight. I was sort of hoping for unsolicited advice from a local heroin addict while I was shooting up, but no luck.

So anyway, after everything was said and done, the doctors were able to retrieve 25 EGGS FROM ME! Can I pat myself on the back or what? I am soooooo psyched for this couple. I hope this increases their chances of getting a good embryo, because that would make everything I have gone through worth it. I have requested to know if the couple gets pregnant, but that may be another few weeks. Everyone think happy thoughts for them.

Sorry for the long post. I need to get a new ticker up and running. My page feels a little empty. But I am back, and I missed you all! I hope your week was as great as mine!

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Heading Out

This will probably be my last post for a week or so, since I fly to California tomorrow for the final donation process. I really shouldn't even be posting right now, since I have A CRAPLOAD of work to do before my sub comes in this afternoon. But I must update for those who are curious.

I can definitely feel my ovaries growing, which is kind of gross, but I've been pregnant, so I'm no stranger to being aware of my internal organs moving around. Not a pleasant feeling, but I guess this is the "pain and suffering" they are compensating me for.

The hormone injections are making me a little nauseous, and my chesticles are sore.. Which reminds me, this morning LB pointed to my bra (which I can joyfully toss over the side of my couch without people complaining) and said "Booby Hat." HAHAHAHA She's so funny and smart, because OBVIOUSLY a bra goes on your boobs, so it MUST be a hat!

I tried giving myself a shot on my LEFT humpty last night, but it hurt to badly for me to try it again. I'm not ambidextrous, so my right booty cheek will have to take the brunt of it for the remainder of the process.

Here is my travel plan, accompanied by Dad and LB:

  • 7:00 am wake up, inject self with first medication
  • 8:00 am Eat breakfast and pack
  • 9:00 take LB to doctor for awesome free service of Acupressure, hopefully to make her cough go away for 24 hrs.
  • 10:00 am leave for Albuquerque
  • 1:30 pm arrive at Airport parking
  • 2:00 pm Check-In
  • 2:30 Board Plane
  • 3:00 Take-Off
  • 6:00 Arrive in California after one layover in Vegas
  • 7:00 pick-up Rental Car
  • 7:30 Drive hour to hotel in outlying city
  • 8:30 Check-In to hotel with screaming, over-tired toddler
  • 9:00 Hopefully get toddler to pass out in hotel crib
  • 9:30 Inject Self with 2nd medication
  • 10:00 Pass out

I hope I will get through the day with little hassles and drama, but it will take a LOT of good karma for this to happen. I trust I've paid my dues.

Any positive wishes would be appreciated. I will see you all next week!

Monday, December 3, 2007


I don't know how to explain the utter joy a person gets when they finally have their own place to call home: A spot where you can put up little forms of permanence, like photos on the walls, curtains on the windows, soap in the bathroom, a welcome mat in front of your door. Even up putting my own roll of toilet paper gave me a helping of the warm fuzzies (yes I get to be cheesy).

When you don't have a home of your own, you are constantly on your toes, wondering "Can I leave my purse here?" "Where should I put LB's toys?" Your car becomes your mothership, where you stash emergency clothes, diapers, toys, Tylenol, food and other necessities. But its not your home, and you can never live there comfortably, especially with a child. You can't depend on things to be consistent, like your favorite chair being there at the end of the day, or having a place to cook dinner.

When we were living in a tent in Louisiana, I never felt safe, ever. I was always on the lookout for something bad to happen. Sometimes the houses we were helping rebuild looked more appealing than the concrete slab we had to return to at the end of the day. Not having a home is being on the move at all times, remembering that your belongings are few, and that everything else is borrowed, always ready to be returned, never having a permanent resting place.

From a tent, to the upstairs of a gutted house, to our boss's mansion, to the in-laws', to a caregivership, to a spider-infested cabin, to a falling-apart, stick-built craphole, to couch surfing for the last 9 months, to a brand-new, never been walked-on, carpeted, holy grail of an apartment, I have finally come home.

For those of you who helped make this possible, I don't know how to thank you. But please know, it is because of you that I can wake up in my own bed, and give my child a room of her own. Karma has nothing on you :)