Revision in Plan

I already shot down half of my goals. My mom brought home donuts the other night, and I've eaten two. The Head Honcho at work had her birthday yesterday and I ate a ginormous piece of carrot cake. There was also a meeting where the lovely ladies decided to bake mini cup cakes and cheesecake. I ate about 4 mini cupcakes but managed to stay away from the cheesecake. There was a bag of dinner rolls sitting nonchalantly in the break room and without a thought, I walked over and stuffed one in my mouth.

Ugh.

I have a snack before bed almost every night. I haven't packed a salad for lunch in a week. I ate chicken Cesar wraps and pizza twice this week. I've also been binging on the most awesomely evil snack in the world: Trader Joe's Veggie Sticks.

I hate the fact that I sit on my ass all day at work. I would almost trade my increased salary for the days of running tables and delivering pizzas. I got my exercise while I was on the CLOCK back then. Now every time I eat, I know that I'm going to have to find the time to expel those calories AFTER my day ends.

For a while, I was walking almost daily with my mom and grandma, after I picked LB up at daycare. It was nice, and I felt great. Now its like pulling teeth getting my child to sit in a stroller at all. The walk becomes a screaming, stopping, crying, throwing, pulling, picking-up ordeal, and eventually I have to let her out and walk around. This does nothing for my selfish desire to keep my heart rate up, because walking with a 16 month old has the calorie-burning equivalent of watching the grass grow.

Luckily I have my friends, who entertain LB on the weekend while we walk. I keep asking them to bring their dogs because honestly, I think it will give my child some form of entertainment that will keep her in the stroller long enough for me to work up a sweat. Otherwise she gets bored and my friends are forced to swing her up and down the path.

I need to walk more. I want to walk after work everyday, but after 8 hrs of daycare, I feel guilty for making LB sit in a stroller while I frantically try to burn off the fat, instead of taking her home and playing or reading with her. The thought of going to the gym and leaving her in ANOTHER hour of childcare after her long day, turns my stomach.

No, the solution is to GET CONTROL over my sweet, fried, bread gluttonization so I don't feel so guilty that I get enough exercise. Well, maybe if I get up earlier and make a salad for lunch, work out and take a shower, then I won't have to worry about stealing valuable time from my mommy schedule.

That's it. I'm just going to have to suck it up. How much sleep would I have to cut out of my schedule in order for me to get a work out, shower and lunch made? 2 hrs?

I have to get to work a half hour earlier than my boss because I have to leave an hour earlier to pick up LB from daycare before they close at 5 pm. So my workday usually runs from 7:45 to 4:30, which technically only gives me 45 minutes for lunch (don't tell HR).

I get up at 6:30 to get out of the door by 7:15 (I really should be getting up at 6:15, since I'm almost always late). If I add 2 hours for workout, lunch making and shower, then that means I would have to get up at 4:15 AM !!?!!

The thought of that literally makes me want to cry. I love my sleep, which is widely considered as being lazy, but I faithfully chalk it up to being a Pisces. We are deep sleepers, and very hard to rouse. That's why when LB wakes up crying in the middle of the night, I'm being ripped from my innermost state of peace and solace ( haha dramatic isn't it?).

I should really try it. Maybe I will feel better. Maybe I won't be dead-ass tired by the end of the day (yeah right). Maybe I will be proud of myself. I am more than just a Pisces, I have some fire signs in me too, that might be able to kick the fish into gear.

Anyone want to try it with me?

P.S. Am I allowed to drink coffee BEFORE I work out?

P.P.S. Maybe this drastic change is backlash from the movie I watched last night. Seeing Jessica Alba just makes me feel even shiddier about myself. Plus watching this scene literally made me want to chain myself to a treadmill while purging a week's worth of food. Ugh could I feel any worse about myself?

(world's smallest violin plays)

The Lottery

I was reading some other blogs and found a post on "what you would do if you won the lottery?"

Here is what I would do:

1. Buy my parents a Vineyard in either Northern California or Southwest Colorado (which ever they wanted). That way my mom could work from home, drink wine, and stroll through the grape fields, and my dad could quit his carpet cleaning job, get inspired, play music and write songs. They could have separate houses at each end of the vineyard so they wouldn't have to see each other if they didn't want to. There would be an awesome hippy "Common House" for wine tastings, music parties and potlucks, where my parents could live out the rest of their lost-idealistic days.

2. Buy Jed a trip to Ireland, where he would stay there indefinitely, researching his family history, meeting distant relatives, finding out what his heritage is, and putting together some pieces that are still hanging in his life. Oh, and drinking a lot of Guinness and Bailey's.

3. Start some kind of a fund for LB's post-18 year old world. I don't know anything about investing, but if I was rich, I would hire someone to do the thinking for me. If I could learn how to do it myself, I would, but honestly, every time someone tries to explain the stock market to me, my right brain goes into a coma. Yes, it's embarrassing. I just want my daughter to have some sort of nest-egg that she can use for college, travel, charity, down-payment, whatever she wants, so I can give her a jump-start in her adult life.

4. Buy a huge amount of acreage so I could open a drive-in. The only drive-in we had in the space of 100 miles was sold last year to make way for more.....you guessed it...CONDOS. If I could strategically locate a drive-in between Durango, Bayfield, Pagosa Springs and Ignacio, I know people would come from miles around.
In the summer it would be a world of barbecues, and tailgate parties, dog-friendly and kid friendly nights, themed events like Rocky Horror, Disney Classics, Anime Night and 90's Action movies. But that's not all. It wouldn't have to shut down in the winter because there would also be a small indoor theatre as well. A theatre big enough to have id say 80-100 people max with a balcony. I would have a liquor license so we could have live events like battle of the bands, contra dances, and midnight movies. It would be a community gathering between all the towns of La Plata County. An Event Center for both kids and adults, all year long.

My mother thinks that there is no way I would make any money on a prospect like that. She thinks people would rather stay at home and watch their HD-TVs, which I don't disagree with. She is convinced I will always pick the least sensible option. But I'm sure she would take the vineyard with no complaints.

Being Selfish

On Sunday I drove 3 hours from Durango to the nearest actual "city": Albuquerque, NM. LB's daddy actually agreed to spend some time with her and go on toddler patrol overnight. So, I had about 24 hours ALL TO MYSELF!!!

Even better, my mother decided to buy herself a new car, which meant I got to drive my grandmother's sweet little Honda Accord on the way back. I didn't know what to do with myself. I spent $70 at Victoria's Secret (I haven't been there in 2 years) and bought LB her first potty chair (AHHHHHH), as well as gates for the stairs on my new apartment. Then I splurged.

Ok, so Victoria's Secret is a splurge too, but honestly, I think it is also a right to have good quality bras. A VS bra will last me 2 years at LEAST. If I hadn't had a baby and went up and down God-Knows-How-Many sizes since I got pregnant, then I probably would still be wearing the same 36D I was before. Sadly, I am now a 38DD (THOSE OF YOU WHO SAID MY BOOBS WOULD GO BACK TO NORMAL AFTER I STOPPED BREASTFEEDING ARE LIARS!!).

So I bought bras that will actually fit me, and will last longer than the 6 weeks it takes for a cheap bra's elastic to wear out. Ugh. Don't you hate it when the underwire comes shooting out of the fabric and stabs you in the cleavage? NOT FUN.

But part two of my selfish day o fun was to buy the first CD I've purchased in about 13 months. Driving home through rural Northern New Mexico leaves about two choices for radio stations: Mariachi and God Talkers. I couldn't face 3 hours of it. I bought Mary J Blige.

I haven't just cruised and pumped the bass up for fun in sooooooo long. Mostly I'm worried about LB's hearing, and my car doesn't have a cd player, so whats the point in buying cds? I don't have a computer of my own ( I always post from work). I don't even have a boom box, or a walkman or anything that resembles a CD player. But man do I love music. I haven't taken the time to really enjoy music in so long, and its such a pure and beautiful feeling.

So I drove home through the desert, red and gold and sage green with autumn colors. Over the Rio Puerco and arroyos. I drove though Cuba, NM -past the locally famous Mexican restraint: Bruno's, where all the bikers stop at. I drove across the Jicarilla Reservation and the casinos. I watched the sun go down in the west, fantasizing I could so far that the grey line at the horizon must be smog from LA.

I don't think the bass in my grandma's car has been cranked up ONCE, but it definitely has now. I was singing along to "I'll be there for you/You're All I need", yelling "I haven't hear this SONG SINCE I WAS 12!!!" Man I really love that song. It's amazing how the nostalgia of the music can just transport you back to when you were wearing plaid babydoll dresses over baggy jeans and screaming in joy every time "Gangsta's Paradise" came on the radio.

I have been in baby/toddler mommy mode for such a long time, I was relishing in the selfishness of being alone with myself, reminiscing. I am always doing 8 things at once now (even driving....ah scary huh?). I am on my cell phone, handing LB a cookie, digging around in the backseat for her sippy cup, and getting bouncy balls thrown at me, chauffeuring friends whose cars have broken down, all while trying to maneuver in rush hour traffic. Is this bad? Am I the only irresponsible mommy driver? Oh yeah, and my car is constantly trashed.

I really enjoyed my "me" time yesterday. I also had what I call "LB Letdown" during the entire process. I was very low, thinking about where she was, or what she was doing, and feeling guilty because I work full time, and every moment I have with her is precious. I finally got over it about 10:30 pm that night, and feel asleep, content in not having to worry about a 16 month old waking me up for once.

12 Goals for this Week

1. I will not HAVE TO finish everything in front of me

2. I will not SCARF

3. I will not eat while doing other things

4. I will not eat right before bed

5. I will not eat my lunch at 11:00 am because I know its in the fridge and I can't wait till noon

6. I will not go over the break room and obsessively look for leftover brownies

7. I will eat at least one salad a day

8. I will walk once a week with my buddies

9. I will do a work-out tape (when I move into my own place and my mother can no longer make fun of me)

10. I will not be driven by the "but it'll go to waste" mantra

11. Left-Overs are the devil

12. Brownies are Satan

Hair Hair Hair

My Hair is about 2 inches past my shoulders and I'm ready to hack it off. It's gotten way too white trash for me, looking like a tumbleweed. All I do is stick it in a ponytail everyday. I've always liked the shoulder-length look, but I might be ready to cut it off a little shorter.

These are the styles I like so far. Notice how I picked Keira Knightley? Maybe I can ask the stylist to just turn me into her. hehehe.

What do you think?

Cryin' over a County Song

I used to hate country songs. Why? I don't really know. Because my mom turned them off with a disgusted grunt every time they came on the radio? Because I was a child of the Grunge era? I listed to Nirvana, Bush, Green Day and Collective Soul when I was in middle school, and eventually graduated to Alanis Morrisette and Jewel.

Honestly, as I got older, my musical tastes became less selective. My college roommates used to call this "selling-out" or "posing." For some reason when I got to high school I ditched my Jewel and Sarah McLachlan CDs for ABBA and BeeGee Records. I went through a serious disco phase (much to my mother's utter horror). I wore bell bottoms, I was Roller Girl for Halloween, I smeared on the lip gloss-the more glitter, the better. I was also performing in random community musical theater at that point, so maybe it was my flare for the dramatic coming out. Maybe it was my desperate attempt to escape who I really was. Maybe it was my sad shot at rebelling against my mother's organic, minimalist, feminist upbringing (ok, I know you are all sick of hearing about my mother).

After the disco phase it was straight to Club Music and dancing of all kinds. In college I hardly stayed in a night. I went to Raves, I danced outside in fields. I even wrote a paper titled "The New Generation of Hippies: Ravers"

How did I eventually start liking country music? Well I guess when I finally started relating to it. When I came home, had a baby and had to start all over again from the bottom. You can't go out and drop E tablets anymore because rolling with a baby on your back is just kills your buzz (ha).

So you stay home and play patty-cake and pet the kitty. You make Easter-eggs and force your 16 month old into a bunny costume for Halloween. You watch Bear in the Big Blue House cause you can't go out to see the latest Brad Pitt. You have a glass of wine alone after the baby goes to bed, because your friends are out and you don't have daddy to babysit.

So I guess when my mommy- friend send me this song, and started bawling like my daughter at daycare in the morning, I really can't judge myself for understanding its message. I'm sorry mom, for likin' some country songs:


The Strong One – Clint Black

When God made woman I wonder sometimes
If it was a flower he had in mind
When he made her

A touch as gentle as a butterfly
A kiss so sweet it could stop time
Forever

God gave man the chance to be
The kind of strength a woman needs
He was supposed to be the one
To carry that load

But there she goes
Baby in her arms
World on her shoulders when her day starts
Workin’ a job that don’t pay much
But she thanks God it’s enough

And there she is
On her own two feet
He walked out, but she still got her dreams
Tries to laugh when she feels like cryin’
Nobody’d blame her if she stopped tryin’
But she’s got a heart that gives and gives
So you tell me who the strong one is

Tonight’s the first night in a while
She put on her makeup wearin’ a smile
She’s goin’ out
That everything was all planned out
But the fever that the baby’s got now
It’s all shot down
And she gives up what she wants to do
For what she has to
That’s what a mama does
And she’ll be there like she always is
When the sun comes up

I See, I Want, I Eat

I have a problem. Well, a few...but this is a big one: I am a compulsive eater, and mostly when it involves bready things like cake, muffins, sandwiches, donuts or tortillas. I see it, I can't pass it up.

This is how it plays out in my mind:

Enter me, notice huge pan of brownies sitting on the stove.

Brownies: Hi Hot Mama
Me: (blushing) Hey there..hehehe.
Brownies: Wanna come on over here and have a bite?
Me: No thanks, It's past 10 and I should be in bed.
Brownies: Aww come on, we're nice and warm and chocolatey.
Me: I bet you are, but I really should be doing something productive like Carmen Electra's Stripperobics.
Brownies: Ok fine, but in the morning we'll still be here and rock hard instead of fresh and yummy.
Me: OMG you're right.
Brownie: And you you'll still want one then, and will probably eat one just because its there. Doesn't matter if we are stale.
Me: Wow, you really do know me. I hate to watch something so scrumptious go to waste.

And then its on. I will devour as much as I can stomach and go to bed feeling absolutely disgusting. But its like I seriously have no control after ground zero. I go into a state of meditation or something like a lucid dreaming. Its bad, and I want it to stop.

My solution so far has to been to completely avoid these craveable items at all costs. However, when I do see them, its like I revert to the Brownie Zombie again. Honestly, I think I really need to "just say no" like they taught us in the D.A.R.E program. Can someone make me a t-shirt that says "just say no to brownies"?

Even if I KNOW they are there, I can't stop myself. At work people have the audacity to use the intercom to announce the presence of brownies in our building. For the rest of the day I can't stop thinking about that plate of goodness in the break room. I want to strangle whoever made that stupid announcement, because I can't even focus on my work.

My friend has invited me to go to weight watchers meetings, but I don't know if that is going to help me. I think this is a deep rooted psychological issue rooted in my mother's refusal to let us eat chemically altered goodies in the world.

HELP ME!