Zombie

I got home from the vile daycare parent meeting (a whopping total of 4 attended!) last night with the full intention of going to bed as soon as I put the toddler down to sleep. It became clear to me when I could not break from the Vulcan-death-grip she had on my neck, that she was NOT going to slide peacefully into dreamland.

I guess this possibility didn't occur to me 3 hours earlier when I let her eat an entire Wendy's Frosty, and watched her run in circles around the daycare, giggling maniacally. Hmm. Good Job Mommy.

So even after a full musical revue of Mary Poppins, Annie and the Little Mermaid, she still was whimpering "mama, mama, mama, mama." whenever I started saying "Goodnight." By the time 9:00 pm rolled around, I was mumbling through "Part of your world" with my head on the bar of her makeshift crib (foldable playpen). I finally said, "Ok, mama needs to go take a shower. Nite nite."

I Left the room under severe screaming protest, but I was done for the night. I was literally falling asleep in the shower. Once out of the shower, I should have gone directly to bed and passed out naked under the covers, like the good ole days. The days where I didn't care if I woke up with a rats nest in my hair, or unbrushed teeth. I didn't care because I was able to wake up 30 minutes before work, throw my hair in a ponytail and run out the door with a toothbrush in my mouth.

Now I brush my teeth before bed, comb my hair, do the underarm dove treatment and get into Pjs. Then I make sure the door is dead bolted, see that my cell phone, work ID, car & work keys, chewing gum, debit card, spare diaper and glasses are all safely in my purse (everything else is expendable). Then I make sure all the lights are turned off downstairs, try not to trip over LB's potty (which she has filled with cat food) and grab any dirty clothes that are lying around.

Once I am upstairs, I walk into my room and look at my bed. Then I look at the computer. Look at bed. Look at computer. Turn on computer. Sit at desk until midnight, checking email, instant messaging, chatting, watching youtube, checking myspace/facebook, reading forums on cafemom, winking on Match.com and downloading music. Am I still falling asleep? Yes. But somehow I don't care as much.

So that fact that now I am a cranky, overtired, uncooperative, leave-me-alone, excuse for an administrative assistant mess, is REALLY my own damn fault. Instead of doing the right thing last night, I selfishly pursued my own indulgences. I insisted on ME time. After spending the day doing everything for everyone else, I sacrificed precious sleep for those few delicious hours of electronic narcissism.

Sometimes when I sleep, I dream that LB is screaming, and I sit straight up in bed like a freakin' Zombie. Silence. 30 seconds later? A wail from her room. Pretty much describes what happened last night. Every hour on the hour.

The third time I jerked myself out of sleep, my thoughts were no longer on LB.

Oh no.

DID I PAY MY RENT THIS MONTH YET?????

F***

Oh P.S. If I have to scrape my windshield in the morning one more time, I am going to go postal with the ice scraper.

Being Selfish

On Sunday I drove 3 hours from Durango to the nearest actual "city": Albuquerque, NM. LB's daddy actually agreed to spend some time with her and go on toddler patrol overnight. So, I had about 24 hours ALL TO MYSELF!!!

Even better, my mother decided to buy herself a new car, which meant I got to drive my grandmother's sweet little Honda Accord on the way back. I didn't know what to do with myself. I spent $70 at Victoria's Secret (I haven't been there in 2 years) and bought LB her first potty chair (AHHHHHH), as well as gates for the stairs on my new apartment. Then I splurged.

Ok, so Victoria's Secret is a splurge too, but honestly, I think it is also a right to have good quality bras. A VS bra will last me 2 years at LEAST. If I hadn't had a baby and went up and down God-Knows-How-Many sizes since I got pregnant, then I probably would still be wearing the same 36D I was before. Sadly, I am now a 38DD (THOSE OF YOU WHO SAID MY BOOBS WOULD GO BACK TO NORMAL AFTER I STOPPED BREASTFEEDING ARE LIARS!!).

So I bought bras that will actually fit me, and will last longer than the 6 weeks it takes for a cheap bra's elastic to wear out. Ugh. Don't you hate it when the underwire comes shooting out of the fabric and stabs you in the cleavage? NOT FUN.

But part two of my selfish day o fun was to buy the first CD I've purchased in about 13 months. Driving home through rural Northern New Mexico leaves about two choices for radio stations: Mariachi and God Talkers. I couldn't face 3 hours of it. I bought Mary J Blige.

I haven't just cruised and pumped the bass up for fun in sooooooo long. Mostly I'm worried about LB's hearing, and my car doesn't have a cd player, so whats the point in buying cds? I don't have a computer of my own ( I always post from work). I don't even have a boom box, or a walkman or anything that resembles a CD player. But man do I love music. I haven't taken the time to really enjoy music in so long, and its such a pure and beautiful feeling.

So I drove home through the desert, red and gold and sage green with autumn colors. Over the Rio Puerco and arroyos. I drove though Cuba, NM -past the locally famous Mexican restraint: Bruno's, where all the bikers stop at. I drove across the Jicarilla Reservation and the casinos. I watched the sun go down in the west, fantasizing I could so far that the grey line at the horizon must be smog from LA.

I don't think the bass in my grandma's car has been cranked up ONCE, but it definitely has now. I was singing along to "I'll be there for you/You're All I need", yelling "I haven't hear this SONG SINCE I WAS 12!!!" Man I really love that song. It's amazing how the nostalgia of the music can just transport you back to when you were wearing plaid babydoll dresses over baggy jeans and screaming in joy every time "Gangsta's Paradise" came on the radio.

I have been in baby/toddler mommy mode for such a long time, I was relishing in the selfishness of being alone with myself, reminiscing. I am always doing 8 things at once now (even driving....ah scary huh?). I am on my cell phone, handing LB a cookie, digging around in the backseat for her sippy cup, and getting bouncy balls thrown at me, chauffeuring friends whose cars have broken down, all while trying to maneuver in rush hour traffic. Is this bad? Am I the only irresponsible mommy driver? Oh yeah, and my car is constantly trashed.

I really enjoyed my "me" time yesterday. I also had what I call "LB Letdown" during the entire process. I was very low, thinking about where she was, or what she was doing, and feeling guilty because I work full time, and every moment I have with her is precious. I finally got over it about 10:30 pm that night, and feel asleep, content in not having to worry about a 16 month old waking me up for once.