Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Whats Right

As difficult and lonely this past year has been, I have found comfort in my friends and family. Even if LB's daddy was off living his new life with his new family, basically leaving us in his distant memory, I had an army of positive thinking on my side. I had LB's three Leo Aunts there to pat me on the back, and puff me up.

They inflated my pride, and my ego as the "super mom", the mom who could do it all. I could face anything with them cheering me on, applauding my every success.

And every nasty word that slipped through my lips was met with overwhelming consensus. YES, what a total A**HOLE he is to leave you and LB. I don't understand what is WRONG WITH HIM. What a COMPLETE LOSER.

And as much as I hate to admit it, those bitter words and spouts of rage brought me as much comfort as the pats on the back.

Because it was easy being the good mom when he was such a F**wad. It almost made me want to try harder at being a mom, just so I could prove how much more above him I was. The worse he acted, the more he forgot about us, the better I looked, and honestly, the better I felt.

Now he has reappeared in our lives again. Wanting to be the "good dad." Wanting to see LB on a regular basis.

Everything in me screams "YOU DON'T DESERVE IT! WHY NOW? WHY NOT A YEAR AGO?"
But I know that's only my bitterness talking. If I were really the "super mom" then I would let my daughter decide what kind of a dad she has.

Every week I didn't hear from him, a sick little part of me got giddier and giddier, thinking "What if I never have to deal with him ever again?" That sense of guilty, delusional excitement has been growing for 6 weeks now, and all of a sudden POP. Reality.

And I have come to the conclusion that what may be easiest for me, may not be the best thing for LB. If I truly respect her as the amazing human being she is (even at 22 months), then I won't let my anger and sense of pride ruin it for her.

And its been hard, because my fishy emotions always seem to have a death grip on my sense of reason. I'm gonna catch that slippery, scaly bitterness, toss it back out to sea, so I can do what's right.

5 comments:

Ree said...

My step-kids mother did turned them against their dad and me. Of course, we tried very hard to see them and make sure they were well fed, clothed, and had whatever they needed.

I know it's hard, but LB needs to make her own decision - and she'll make the right one when she's old enough.

Until then, be strong, protect your daughter, and make sure you're the best mom that you can be. She'll know. ;-)

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