Head Up

I woke up this morning, and thought about continuing my routine that I have fallen into this last week:

1. Get up at 5:00 am
2. Give self shot in belly.
3. Go back to sleep until LB wakes up screaming.

I was fully prepared to crawl back under the covers, but as I was drawing up my injection, I said to myself "You're only gonna feel worse if you go back to bed, so suck it up and do your new Crunch DVD."

That urge to retreat to the layers of warmth in my bedroom is like heroin to me. The Pisces in me wants to return to the unconscious world of sleep, where nothing has to be on a routine, or make any sort of sense. Where I'm not the responsible one, obligated to worry and stress.

The fact that Ive gained back the 5 lbs Ive lost, makes this urge even more overwhelming. I want to curl up in my layers of Thanksgiving fat, and doze off again. Even if its just for 15 minutes.

But I resisted. I put the DVD in the player, and pouted through my super-perky aerobics. At least its a start, right?

And I am finally moving this weekend! See the ticker? It's almost here, and since I have such wonderful friends who are helping me, I know that we will be able to ignore the fact that its supposed to snow at least 6 inches on Saturday...oh AND Sunday.

Bad Mommy

I have been really frustrated this week, and I'm taking it out on my poor kid. Her sleep schedule has been out of whack, probably due to almost biting her tongue off on Sunday. She woke up almost every 2 hrs that night, and by 5:30 am, I think she was done with trying to fall back asleep. So I got up and stumbled through about 15 minutes of my workout before she was fed up with watching me.

Tuesday morning was similar, except by 3:30 am I broke down and let her sleep in the bed with me. Sharing a bed with a 17 month old consists mostly of her backing up into my stomach, trying to nest somewhere between my chin and my hip bones, while simultaneously hogging the pillow. She doesn't even HAVE a pillow in her bed, why does she want one now?! needles to say, sleep stayed away from me till my alarm went off at 5. I DID get up at 5:30, I'm happy to say and got through the dvd. It was a very half-assed workout, however. I was not satisfied.

Wednesday was a bad night. I was so exhausted that I went to bed at 9:00 pm! I haven't been in bed that early since I was in 5 grade. I thought I was smart, catching a few extra winks, so I could get up early and REALLY get a good workout. No Dice. LB was NOT sleeping, and I refused to put her in the bed with me, afraid I might sleep through my alarm in the morning. She screamed, I tried rubbing her back, she screamed, I tried singing a lullaby. She screamed so hard I was afraid he tongue might spontaneously start spewing blood again. By 2:30 am, I knew I was not getting up for my workout, and I probably wouldn't for the rest of the week, if this continued. So I yelled at my toddler "LAY DOWN AND GO TO SLEEP!"
This, of course only sent her into startled, hiccupy sobbing. So now I was feeling pissed off, completely exhausted and ridiculously guilty. I was selfishly taking my anger and guilt for not being able to participate in the workout tree like I wanted, on my child who was most likely, still in pain from her accident. So I rocked her until she finally feel asleep. I did not get up to workout that morning.

Yesterday I woke up at 5:30 and did aerobics till 6:00. Then I ate 3 cookies. What was the point of THAT. Pathetic.

Today I woke up at 5 with ALMOST a full night of sleep.Feeling good, I really pushed myself hard, determined to my time worthwhile. 20 minutes into my workout, LB arose with a fury. After 20 minutes of trying to pacify her, I was so angry about my pathetic week of exercise and junk food snacking, that I once again yelled at my baby.

Let me just say this: Once you have a baby, your needs to NOT come first anymore. You will forever be sacrificing your looks, your health, your self esteem, your pride and your wants. You will go out into public in a bathrobe, holding a puking baby in order to get medicine. You will be ashamed of your appearance, but you will have to suck it up, because your kid is sick, and the last thing you want is to end up in the ER with them.

The fact that I have gotten to the point where I am yelling at my poor, damaged child is a low, low point in my role as a mother. So what if I didn't get to the cool-down in my workout? Who cares if it is my favorite part, and gives me a sense of accomplishment? So what if my "perfect" plan of finding a time to exercise alone, is occasionally marred by a sick toddler? I know I am a mature, responsible adult, but at 3:00 am when a baby is screaming at maximum decibels in your ear, all you can think of is "I AM NEVER GOING TO GET THROUGH ANOTHER WORKOUT IN MY LIFE, AGAIN. I AM GOING TO KEEP EATING COOKIES AND NEVER BURN THEM OFF. MY TODDLER IS MAKING ME FAT!"

I know its horrible, and my stressing is only making it worse. Today I have to go over my egg donation contract with my lawyer in California, and it is 20 PAGES LONG. I also have to call my fertility clinic to make sure I know how to self-inject my medication (I start on Monday). This is totally stressing me out, because it states in the contract that if the clinic decides I don't know what I'm doing, the couple can charge me for ALL expenses involved if my eggs never get big enough. Ive only read the directions a million times, and I know I am going to be fine, but after reading 20 pages of legal issues involved in this process, my head is ready to fall off.

I have TWO potluck to attend today as well, so I will be eating pizza and tacos. Yay. Can I stress about that too, please?

Sorry my posts are always so long winded, but I think it helps my neurosis a little.

Gotta work, Laters!

Grumpy

Today I had a rough time getting up. I think I pulled a muscle doing Carmen Electra's workout yesterday, which only makes me feel old and fat. There is even a disclaimer in the beginning that says BE CAREFUL OLD PEOPLE OR YOU WILL HURT YOURSELF DURING THIS DVD. I was like "Haha, I bet some granny is trying to seductively crawl across the floor and suddenly throws her back out." 24 hours later, my hamstrings feel like they are on fire. Grrrr.

I'm also pissy because I feel like I wasted my money on 2 of the 3 hula dvds. The buns & abs one is good, but the other two are so cheesy, I wanted to puke. Someone actually wrote original songs that you learn a hula dance to. The songs are so blatantly marketed to bored housewives, it was almost offensive. One lyric actually says

"I've been doing laundry all day, now I just want to play."
GAG.

Someone out there actually responds to that? Thinks that's funny? Please, you are spending a good chunk of money to produce a workout dvd, why don't you make up some creative lyrics. I don't know about all the other mamas out there, but I definitely DON'T want to workout to a song that reminds me of the domestic slavery that revolves around my homelife.

Another thing I am trying not to focus on, but is really getting to me is my stagnant weight loss. JL pointed out that we have been doing the workout tree for over a month now, and I SHOULD have lost more than 5 lbs. JL, who is a complete workout rockstar has lost A WHOLE DRESS SIZE!!! WOO HOOO!!

My body is the type that loses and gains weight very quickly, but has always stayed within the range of 135-155 lbs. I have been able to lose 5 lbs a week at one point of my life, and without getting up at 5 am every morning. I guess those days are over. I am getting old. I thought working out every day for 30 minutes would at least knock off a couple lbs a week. I have also been eating better, more salads, fish, fruits, etc....but I do have the occasional piece of pizza.

I am happy to say I have only eaten one brownie in a whole month, and have not been to McDonalds, Burger King or Wendy's either. I did eat Taco Bell yesterday though. I eat a bowl of Raisin Bran for breakfast everyday, I thought that would make a difference. But obviously its not enough. I am going to have to make even more drastic changes to my diet. I really don't know how I can squeeze any more workout time into my schedule.

It makes me want to cry to think that I can't even have the random piece of pizza. Am I going to ONLY be able to eat salad if I want to lose more weight? Am I going to have to give up tortillas completely? I have always been privy to the "Everything in moderation" philosophy, but apparently no more. I look at my paternal grandmother and aunt (both of whom seem to share the same round-faced gene pool with me), and realize what my future looks like. I need to step it up or I will be one of those out of breath moms who can't climb up the slide at the playground to save their stranded child.

I keep making excuses for myself. Well if I weighed myself with my clothes off, then I would be lighter. Oh its these hormones I'm taking for the egg donation. Well I don't have a gym pass, and I can't workout anytime. anywhere like everyone one. All LAME. But DAMN I just want to get below 150. That was my goal last week, and I failed. Its frustrating, and I think this is usually when people give up. Carmen says that a person is mostly likely to stop working out when they don't lose the weight fast enough.

I am not stopping. I like the "me" time in the morning, even if it is before dawn. I like feeling refreshed and proud of myself afterwards. It does give me a little anxiety the night before though. Sometimes I lay in bed and think "OH GOD what if I don't get up in the morning when my alarm goes off, and I lose the workout for the day?"

Ugh. I really disgust myself on how my pathetic piscesness comes spewing out sometimes. Grow a backbone girl! Stop stressing, get over it. I guess that's why I have a blog, right? To let it all out. :P

Out of Whack

So I didn't post yesterday because I was driving the 6 hr round trip to beautiful Albuquerque, New Mexico. I got there, spent 15 minutes in the doctor's office, and got in my car to drive home. Ugh what a drag. I did treat myself to three brand new CDs for the long-ass drive. Yes, I bought my first Britney Spears CD on itunes Tuesday night. I also bought the new cd from Little Big Town, as well as Paul Van Dyk's CD- "In Between". Eclectic mix huh? I also had my own mix, which I named "Egg Donor Mix 2007" haha- Songs ranging from "The Sweetest Girl" to "Crazy Bitch"

In other news, I have hacked the workout tree for two days in a row. I'm bad. Poor JL is the lone survivor, but I promise to get it together tomorrow. I WILL workout.

I was also shamed by a 3 year old on Tuesday, which may be one of the reasons I haven't felt inspired to workout. I was eating lunch at Himalayan Cuisine, and a little child at the other table point to me and says "Mommy, that girl is fat."

The parents quickly scooped their kid up and ushered him/her out the door. I called for the check, completely humiliated. That has never happened to me before. Nothing like a 3 year old to completely crush your good feelings on making an effort to lose weight. My mom says its just Karma, because I did the same thing when I was three. Ughhh. Either way, it was not a fun experience, and I can't wait for LB to do the same thing one day.

I also have this lingering feeling that my babydaddy is going to skip town. He's told me he is ditching his caretakership in Mancos, and feels like "starting over somewhere new". I really wouldn't know how to explain that to LB without making him look like a complete asshole. But I guess she'll figure it out on her own. Must be nice to be able to run away every time you have a problem.

I woke up numerous times last night, having bitten my tongue in my sleep. I think I need to go soak in a hot springs or something before I wake up one night choking on my own blood. Anyone have an idea on reducing stress that doesn't involve exercise or food, oh and it has to include a 17 month old toddler. UGHH.

Mundaes

Things I'm not happy about today:

1. My Egg Donation is NOT going to be in New York, but Santa Rosa, California instead. I guess they mixed up the coastlines or something. I was really looking forward to finally visiting the Big Apple.
2. I am going to have to drive to Albuquerque for my Ultrasounds instead of getting them here in Durango. I will have to take time off work for these days, as it is a 6 hour round trip. I really cannot afford to do that, ON TOP of the time I will have to take off during the actual retrieval process.
3. I have a late meeting today, and have no one to pick up LB from daycare. Everyone is out of town, sick or busy with work or school. So I will have to leave my meeting early, another step down on my job performance.
4. The horrendous display of shoddy footballing by my home team, The Broncos. It was just too painful to watch, honestly. I kept yelling at the screen "Champ Bailey can't cover the whole field YOU MORONS!" When even Mike Shanahan says he's embarrassed by his team, then you know it was a bad bad game.

However, these are the things I AM happy about today:

1. Its currently 65 degrees outside, and we are pulling into the second week of November.
2. I snuck out to see my apartment this weekend, and they actually have the numbers up, so I peeked into MY ACTUAL HOUSE!!! I saw MY ACTUAL CARPET! MY ACTUAL STOVE! I can't express how excited I was, I may even sneak out there later this week and harass a construction worker into letting me inside.
3. I did my Hula Buns & Abs this morning, and was very satisfied with the results of my half.com purchase. It was fun (even challenging), and I finished the whole thing before LB woke up.
4. In general, I feel good. I can tell that my body is getting stronger. I can chase LB around the playground and not feel like I'm going to die afterwards. I am not scared of going to store, because I know I can head off my toddler before she rips down half the canned food aisle. I'm still stuck at 153 lbs, but my post-baby belly doesn't look so scary anymore, and I feel like I'm going to get below 150 this week.

So between those two conflicting ups and downs, I think I may be able to survive the day.

7:15 AM

Ok I'll make it short today. I'm sick of my long-winded rants. This is my dilemma:

• 5 am - Wake Up Call
• 5:15 - Begin Pilates Hell
• 5:30 - Call JL
• 6:00- Start Coffee
• 6:05 - Shower
• 6:20- Drink Cup O Joe #1, Read Durango Herald
• 6:30- Wake up LB (if she hasn't called for me yet)
• 6:35- Feed Toddler breakfast (try to insert liquid Vitamins somehow)
• 6:40- Get Dressed, Do hair
• 6:55- Change LB's diaper, get her dressed
• 7:00- Warm-up Car
• 7:05- Do Make-Up, brush teeth, perhaps chug Cup O Joe #2
• 7:10- Chase Toddler around house, trying to get her coat on
• 7:15 - In Carseat, Ready to Roll
• 7:16- Almost fall asleep at the wheel

How come I am ready for a nap at 7:16 every morning? I've HAD one (sometimes two) cups of coffee, I've been thoroughly awake for more than 2 hours. But as soon as I get in my warm car, flip on the radio, and drive the 15-20 minutes into town, its like I'm ready for dreamland by the time I hit Wildcat Canyon. Like Clockwork, everyday!

My mother says I may be coffee crashing, but I think its an excuse to get me to stop drinking yet another "thing that is bad for me", or maybe so she can drink the whole pot. But how can I caffeine crash only 10 minutes after I drink it? That's just wrong.

So Should I quit drinking coffee? Since I've quit drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes and *ahem* other undesirable habits since partaking on this egg donation process, I guess I might as well go for broke.

What are your thoughts? Do you have the sudden need for a nap everyday? Do you think its related to caffeine intake? Ugh I guess that post wasn't really that short after all. I blame it on word vomit. :P

Bad timing

LB was really clingy last night. She did NOT want to lie down in her bed. I swear when I gave her the over-the-crib hug, she did not let go until I felt her grip release because she was slowly passing out. Awww. Poor bubbo.

I was also awakened by her random high pitched cries throughout the night. Luckily, she's been able to go back to sleep on her own, but it still shakes me to hear her. I think she knows that we're moving again, plus the weekend with daddy totally messed with her daily routine.

So by 5 am, I was completely resistant to getting up. I DID manage to lurch to my feet at about 5:30, and pissily shove the workout dvd in the player. Called JL, check. My workout was pretty half-assed I must say, I was so NOT perky this morning.

To top it off, I bit my tongue last night, which has developed into a huge achy spot. There is definitely some pain when I talk, and to make it worse, I either sound like I have a lisp or I just came back from having my teeth drilled.

The cherry on TOP of this situation is that today I have my "Psychological Evaluation" over the phone with a therapist in California....for my egg donation. So she will either be unable to understand me or I will have to stop talking every two minutes to swallow drool and cringe in pain.

So, I may still be rejected, due to disfunctional tongue syndrome. Wish me luck :)

Graduated

So I've advanced from Pilates for Dummies to Crunch Gym's Burn and Firm Pilates. And DAMN. I started it last Friday and hurt till yesterday. Now I think the vicious cycle has started all over again. But its a good pain, ya know? It makes it worth it to get up before dawn (which really isn't all that hard in the winter, anyway).



I was really sweatin' this morning, panting too. Actually, it was the whole stinky nine yards, now that I've upgraded to putting on shoes (another reason why I like pilates) during the standing workout. This DVD is more of a typical class you would take at the gym, complete with those hot girls who wear matching spandex shorts and sports bras, and the one gay guy in the back. The instructor however was not as annoying as she looks on the cover (which I really can't stand).



Also in workout news, I've ordered 4 NEW DVDs off of Half.com, and I'm psyched about them. Three of them are the Island Girl Series: Hula Workouts. and the other one is the infamous Carmen Electra's Striperobics. The Hula ones look like an absolute blast, and I can't wait to share them with the rest of the tree. I think after a few weeks of psyching myself up, I can pop the Striperobics in the player, and maybe actually follow along it. People have told me that for the untalented, clumsy bunch of us, its a tough workout, and its been a lonnnnngggg time since I was doing high school musicals.



If anyone is looking to buy a workout tape/dvd, believe me, this website really is awesome. You can preview clips of EVERY video on there, which is great because lets be honest, there are some bad ones out there. I even saw "Line Dancing Aerobics" when I was shopping, ye gads.

But I also saw Donna's Old School Dance Party (see right) which looks like a total hoot, especially cause its got live ,music (the Sugarhill Gang) in the background, while people are dancing in the front. I also noticed one very tense looking white girl (think Celine Dion doing aerobics) hiding behind Donna and her Crew, which is a fricken RIOT. I think I might ebay it, hell it looks fun. Check out the clip. WORD.

Wino Weight

Good morning my friends :) I looked at my post from last night, and now I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't weigh myself at 9 pm after eating a ginormous bowl of green curry and drinking 3 glasses of wine. This morning the scale said I was 155.6 lbs, and there is no way I dropped almost 3 lbs overnight.

As unfair as it is, I'm still moving my ticker 3 lbs towards my goal. Its just a stupid ticker and its motivating me, so phooey to the rules. If anyone else would like to cheat an extra 3 lbs with me, by all means be my guest.

I am proud of myself because I did not GIVE UP and skip my workout this morning. LB seems to have fallen into waking up at 5 am (2 DAYS IN A ROW!) yet I was adamant about NOT succumbing to the "EH WHATEVER" philosophy. I did half of my video with her attached to my leg and the other half with her hanging off my arm. What a workout!

As for this weekend, there has been suggestion that we take a hike instead of our normal walk on Sunday. That way I can stick LB in the backpack (hopefully a positive alternative to the screaming that involves the stroller) and the dogs can run free through the wilds of Colorado..hehe.

Any suggestions on where we go? Jiji if you know any secret spots up Lightner Creek, let us know!

P.S. Don't forget to bring your workout tapes so we can swap em. Man am I ready for something other than pilates :)

I killed the Tree

Hey there. I failed in my goal to work out every morning this week :(

Yesterday I got a call from daycare to come pick up LB cause she was "projectile vomiting." Needless to say, I rushed over there to pick her up and found that several other babies had been sent home too. LB puked till about 7 pm last night, couldn't keep any food down, only water. She's really never been this sick in her 16 months of life. She was to the point where all she wanted to do was lay her head on my chest and whimper between puking.

When I put her to bed, I was worried she might choke on her own vomit in her sleep, so I got up ever hour until about 2 am. Thank God there was no more puking. I finally was convinced she was ok and went to bed.

When my alarm went off at 5 am, LB was already awake, calling "Mama, Mama" which soon turned into "Nana nana." She devoured a whole bowl of oatmeal and a banana, along with a full glass of water. No puking. No crying. No pale, sickly face. No fever. Just lots of energy and high pitched squealing at dawn.

My diagnosis is that she is NOT sick. She does NOT have the Gastrointestinal daycare flu. She is simply a piggy little toddler who made herself sick by eating too much. I looked on her daily sheet and it said they had cottage cheese for snack. Cottage Cheese is hands down LB's favorite food. I haven't bought her any in the last month or so, because it consists of her gulping it down until I make her stop, which results in screaming. She would eat the whole container if I let her.

My theory is once she saw the cottage cheese on the table, she was like "SWEET, GORGEFEST!" and ate as much as she possibly could, in the fastest possible manner. Shortly after snack was when I received the phone call. It was either that, or the cottage cheese was bad. I have no clue.

All I know is that now I am sitting at home with a completely healthy toddler (daycare has a 24 hour quarantine policy for kids who are sent home sick) and I missed my damn workout this morning.

I guess I should be thankful LB didn't aspirate during the night, instead of complaining about missing my workout. I just wanted to complete the goal I had set for myself. I wanted the tree to survive the first week. Thank God JL is hardcore and STILL got up without me calling her.

I promise to do better next week!

Day Two-Workout Tree

And I thought my workout was going to be hell. I get to the office this morning and find 10 messages on my phone, all from angry parents who have been billed wrongly by yours truly. UGHHHHH. I WENT TO FILM SCHOOL DAMMIT! The worst call was from a mom who no longer has custody of her son and getting a bill for a couple hundred bucks was like pouring salt on her open wound.

And guess what else? Today is "National BOSS Day" and I had to run out and buy a Steve Carell card at lunch. I DID however resist the temptation to swing by Del Taco while at the Halmark Store. GO ME!

Day two of the workout tree was good. I think I'm regaining my Pilates balance ( I only fell twice today). BTW Curmudge and Jiji, I DON'T see either of you blogging about your experience. Well, I guess they have Husbands and Soon-to-be husbands, so they have priorities. I SWEAR I only blog at work! I do not sacrifice quality LB time for the Internet! :)

All I can say is I'd BETTER get a big fat card on "Administrative Assistant Day" :)

Day One of the Workout Tree

I was praying LB would go the full 11 hrs last night (man that seems like a long time to sleep), because I knew that 5 am was going to really hurt this morning. The daycare syndrome seems to be fully attacking my toddler's nose, and has now infiltrated her lungs.

With the recent recalls, I've been scared to give her ANYTHING, and I don't want to take her to the doctor when I know I'll just get the standard "Try sitting with her in a hot shower." So instead I've hooked up a humidifier in our room. She's had two nights this past week where she woke up in a coughing fit and and couldn't get back to sleep, so I was really crossing my fingers that the humidifier would do some justice.

At 5 am when my vibrating alarm went off, LB was sleeping soundly (ok, wheezing a little). I woke up completely at about 5:15, which is only a third of the way through my pilates video, instead of half way (yay an improvement!). I woke poor JL up at 5:30 and neither of us sounded very thrilled, but at least we actually followed through. What happened after that is any body's guess. I BETTER read about it on your BLOGS LADIES!

I took a shower this morning, which promptly woke up my bubbo a half an hour early, but other than that, I think it was a highly successful day one of the tree. LETS KEEP IT UP! WOO HOO!

Haha, I know they are all thinking "this new haircut has literally gone to her head". Love you guys!

P.S. I'm now eating my toddler's Gerber Puffs for a snack. They only have 25 calories per 60 puffs. Now THAT is pathetic.