Back to Black

Ok, so I didn't really come back to black. In fact I came back to endless upon endless fields of pure white snow. If you read JL's hijinks, you'll know that while I was basking in 60 degree weather (ok 57ish mostly), Colorado and got dumped on. I get the sweet after effects, without having to drive in a blizzard. Word.

I really can't think of one single word to describe my trip. So many different emotions, thoughts and experiences. As far as the workout tree goes, all I have to say is sadly, its amazing how your good food choices go out the window when you get to eat for free. Yeah. I gorged. My dad was worse though, trying to take every advantage of his meal ticket he could....buffets, champagne, desserts, not to mention the endless supply of WINE that surrounds you in Northern California. He was shameless, but its kind of a family tradition.

He took me to the little house I was born it; probably no bigger than 800 sq feet, perched on the slope of a steep, narrow street. My mom would have nothing to do with any "medical professional" telling her what to do during labor. If women had babies in caves thousands of years ago, then she could do it in the comfort of her own home. Needless to say, I wasn't born in a hospital. Looking at this house, I couldn't help but think of how scared my mom must have been, laboring alone in the tiny, dark bedroom, while my dad slept (he woke up for the birth). I honestly don't know how she did it. I was a 9lb baby for God's sake.

Being in the city of my birth, and taking part of the egg donation process was an odd sensation. I kept wondering if the couple maybe lived near where I was born, or shopped at the same stores my parents did. Would their future child be running around the wine fields, and jumping into the ocean like I did? Would they ever eat at the bakery where my mom used to work? I guess these are questions I will never know, but in some strange astrological coincidence, here I am, donating to a couple who live in the same place I am from.

I will admit that the last days of egg donation are NOT pleasant. I honestly had gotten comfortable with the injections. I could stick myself in the ass with my eyes closed and not flinch. I was SO comfortable with the whole deal that when the following situation occurred, I barely batted an eyelash.

(SCENE: Father, Daughter and Grandbaby have arrived in California, late, and have picked up rental car. They drive north through torrents of rain.)
DAUGHTER: Ok Dad, its 10:30 pm, and we still haven't gotten to the hotel. I need to take my shot.
FATHER: Hmmmm. I'm hungry.
DAUGHTER: Seriously. If I don't give myself this shot, there was no point in coming here.
FATHER: Well where are you going to do it? We're on the freeway.
DAUGHTER: All I need is a bathroom.
FATHER: Hey look! An IN-N-OUT Burger!

Yes. I actually stuck a needle in my butt in the public restroom of an In & Out Burger. How Rockstar am I? :) It didn't help that all the kids are getting ready to go out the bars, clubs, shows, concerts, holiday parties..etc...at 10:30 pm. I whipped out my vials of medication, syringes, prep pads and went to work as fast as I could. I'm surprised they didn't call the cops on me. Pretty hilarious sight. I was sort of hoping for unsolicited advice from a local heroin addict while I was shooting up, but no luck.

So anyway, after everything was said and done, the doctors were able to retrieve 25 EGGS FROM ME! Can I pat myself on the back or what? I am soooooo psyched for this couple. I hope this increases their chances of getting a good embryo, because that would make everything I have gone through worth it. I have requested to know if the couple gets pregnant, but that may be another few weeks. Everyone think happy thoughts for them.

Sorry for the long post. I need to get a new ticker up and running. My page feels a little empty. But I am back, and I missed you all! I hope your week was as great as mine!

Heading Out

This will probably be my last post for a week or so, since I fly to California tomorrow for the final donation process. I really shouldn't even be posting right now, since I have A CRAPLOAD of work to do before my sub comes in this afternoon. But I must update for those who are curious.

I can definitely feel my ovaries growing, which is kind of gross, but I've been pregnant, so I'm no stranger to being aware of my internal organs moving around. Not a pleasant feeling, but I guess this is the "pain and suffering" they are compensating me for.

The hormone injections are making me a little nauseous, and my chesticles are sore.. Which reminds me, this morning LB pointed to my bra (which I can joyfully toss over the side of my couch without people complaining) and said "Booby Hat." HAHAHAHA She's so funny and smart, because OBVIOUSLY a bra goes on your boobs, so it MUST be a hat!

I tried giving myself a shot on my LEFT humpty last night, but it hurt to badly for me to try it again. I'm not ambidextrous, so my right booty cheek will have to take the brunt of it for the remainder of the process.

Here is my travel plan, accompanied by Dad and LB:

• 7:00 am wake up, inject self with first medication
• 8:00 am Eat breakfast and pack
• 9:00 take LB to doctor for awesome free service of Acupressure, hopefully to make her cough go away for 24 hrs.
• 10:00 am leave for Albuquerque
• 1:30 pm arrive at Airport parking
• 2:00 pm Check-In
• 2:30 Board Plane
• 3:00 Take-Off
• 6:00 Arrive in California after one layover in Vegas
• 7:00 pick-up Rental Car
• 7:30 Drive hour to hotel in outlying city
• 8:30 Check-In to hotel with screaming, over-tired toddler
• 9:00 Hopefully get toddler to pass out in hotel crib
• 9:30 Inject Self with 2nd medication
• 10:00 Pass out

I hope I will get through the day with little hassles and drama, but it will take a LOT of good karma for this to happen. I trust I've paid my dues.

Any positive wishes would be appreciated. I will see you all next week!

Culmination

Here's the rest of my week:

Today my Dear Sweet MIL goes into her surgery, and I am using the money from pawning my engagement ring to send her flowers. Irony? I think its perfect actually. Since I will soon be a resident of the Three Springs Area, I may trot on over there to see her, if she is still in the hospital this weekend ( I hope not though).

I drive back to Albuquerque tomorrow for my next ultrasound. My IVF coordinator in Santa Rosa says that they are doing one to make sure my ovaries are "quiet", whatever that means. I guess it lets them know if I have been doing my injections correctly so far. That moment of revelation is stressing me out.

On Friday I sign the lease to my new apartment. Finally it will be just me and LB, in a sparkling clean, 2-story townhouse with brand new carpets and her own bedroom. And for only $730 a month! Believe me, a 2 bedroom, 1.5 bathroom rental in Durango for that price is unheard of. I really am a lucky duck.

I also get to call my fertility clinic to get instructions on how to administer an intramuscular shot. I found a ghetto instructional video online last night, and it was pretty funny. Unlike MY situation, in the video there was a ken doll-like hubby sticking a ginormous need into his barbie wife's butt, saying "There, all done, honey."

In MY video, I will be trying to stick myself in the ass, while looking over my shoulder in the bathroom mirror. YAY. Anyone want to jam a 1 1/2 inch needle into my booty? I'm taking applications, since I will be living solo as of the day I start to shoot myself with egg-growing hormones. Great timing huh?

Saturday is the big move. All of you out there who want to get your workout by lifting couches up a flight of stairs, please let me know. I promise I will buy you dinner and a round of drinks for helping me! In JL's case, I will buy her a pot of echinacea tea :)

After all of this is over, I am going to throw a nice relaxing housewarming party, and you are all invited. Maybe we can have a Johnny Depp/Ewan McGreggor/Taye Diggs movie marathon and bake cookies in my new oven? Hot Cocoa and Kahlua? Coffee and Bailey's? Sound good?

Love you all and this year I am going to make up all the Christmases I missed, so expect something good from Santa!

Hellish November continues

My mother was in Santa Fe until this morning. She went to meet one of her old hippy friends from Alamogordo, and they spent the weekend looking at art galleries and shopping for grandbaby clothes. During all the merriment, my mother apparently dropped her cell phone in front of a little coffee shop called "The Aztec".

Ive left my phone several places before: the bar, public restrooms, parks, restaurants, on top of my car, etc... I'm sure everyone has lost their cell at one point in their lives. What do you do? Usually wait until someone finds it, dials a number and eventually gets in contact with you. Or you back track all the places you were until you find it.

Not my mother. She immediately panics, calls the phone company and has her service disconnected. So when the coffee shop called me, I had no way of getting in touch with her. My mom's friend is hippy to the core, wouldn't dare touch the idea of looking like a yuppie on her cell phone, so she doesn't own one. My mom didn't leave the number of the hotel, so I couldn't call her there.

So I email my mom, thinking she must have her laptop and will be checking it at some point before she leaves. Nope. I don't hear from her until 7:30 last night, when (of course) I am putting Lilly to bed, and am unable to hear the phone ring. She says she "thinks someone must have stolen her phone." Who steals a cell phone besides an enraged lover, or a member of the FBI? Why would someone snag a cell phone when they could have snagged her cash or credit cards instead? If someone is THAT desperate to make a call, I'm sure they would have wandered into a hotel lobby and asked to use the phone.

Either way, when I listen to the message, I call back the number and no one picks up. Today she calls me at work and says "WELL IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO HEAR FROM YOU BEFORE I LEFT SANTA FE!"

I almost lost it on her. I was so pissed. My entire yesterday was filled with miscommunication, and late correspondence.

My friend who has agreed to go with me on my trip to California all of a sudden has her OWN egg donation to go to, and can't go with me anymore. So now the agency is getting really pissy at me. They wanted to book my flight YESTERDAY, but my friend's phone line was busy for almost 45 minutes.

Now I have to find someone who is able to take a whole week off of work during Dec 6-Dec 13. Yeah, THAT'S going to be easy. So if anyone wants a free trip to California that week and would like to watch a toddler while i go under the needle, PLEASE LET ME KNOW!

HELP ME!

Monday Solitude

Well I'm deserted in my office. My female boss is in Washington DC, taking her parents and hubby's parents to do the grand tour of our capital on Veteran's Day. Her father-in-law is a WWII Vet, and she remarked to me how few soldiers are left from that era. My dad's dad was a WWII Vet, and my maternal grandfather was in Korea. Crazy to think how one day our kids and grandkids will think of WWII like we think of the Civil War. Vietnam will become WWII, and Iraq will become Vietnam, as far as age goes. Wow I am getting old.

Minor emergency last night. LB was walking into the kitchen holding one of these (which its bigger than her head), and she tripped on the rug, falling face first onto the ball. Her top teeth promptly went through her tongue, and OH MY GOD. I have never seen that much blood come out of her mouth before. I thought she bit it off. The bleeding finally stopped after stuffing a whole towel into her mouth, and eventually she stopped crying. Poor Kid. I felt so bad, I let her eat ice cream and vanilla yogurt all night, while watching the Wizard of Oz.

I googled "Tongue+bitten+orajel" because I still had a little bottle leftover from her teething, and wondered if I could use it to numb her tongue. I found the answer on an Epilepsy Message Board, which reassured me orajel would be ok on an open tongue wound.

Also after visiting the dentist a few months ago, they recommended I get weird mouthwash called Biotene. Best purchase ever, because it kills bacteria (which I was worrying about in LB's mouth) AND it contains no alcohol (ie, no screaming baby). They hygienist even told me it was safe to put a little bit on a rag and give it to toddlers. So I've been trying to keep the huge crater on her tongue clean with the mouthwash, and she seems to be doing fine this morning. Poor grandma gets to feed her applesauce and oatmeal all day long though.

So now I'm at work, which is kind of lonely, cause everyone has it off. There is Sean, the maintenance man here, putting together a desk, so at least I have someone to talk to. I also get my injectible medications this week for the egg donation. Thankfully I don't have to drive back to Albuquerque until the 29th. Apparently the first round of injections are with tiny needles (they compare them to insulin shots), so I'm not really that upset about it. The second round of shots are inter-muscular, so errrr BITE THE BULLET.

My mother was on the phone to my sister in Alaska last night, and when she told her I was going to be donating my eggs in California (very close to where I was born, actually), my sister says,

"Wow, its kind of like Salmon returning home to spawn in the same waters they were hatched in. Funny."

Geologist Humor. Oh, my family.

Out of Whack

So I didn't post yesterday because I was driving the 6 hr round trip to beautiful Albuquerque, New Mexico. I got there, spent 15 minutes in the doctor's office, and got in my car to drive home. Ugh what a drag. I did treat myself to three brand new CDs for the long-ass drive. Yes, I bought my first Britney Spears CD on itunes Tuesday night. I also bought the new cd from Little Big Town, as well as Paul Van Dyk's CD- "In Between". Eclectic mix huh? I also had my own mix, which I named "Egg Donor Mix 2007" haha- Songs ranging from "The Sweetest Girl" to "Crazy Bitch"

In other news, I have hacked the workout tree for two days in a row. I'm bad. Poor JL is the lone survivor, but I promise to get it together tomorrow. I WILL workout.

I was also shamed by a 3 year old on Tuesday, which may be one of the reasons I haven't felt inspired to workout. I was eating lunch at Himalayan Cuisine, and a little child at the other table point to me and says "Mommy, that girl is fat."

The parents quickly scooped their kid up and ushered him/her out the door. I called for the check, completely humiliated. That has never happened to me before. Nothing like a 3 year old to completely crush your good feelings on making an effort to lose weight. My mom says its just Karma, because I did the same thing when I was three. Ughhh. Either way, it was not a fun experience, and I can't wait for LB to do the same thing one day.

I also have this lingering feeling that my babydaddy is going to skip town. He's told me he is ditching his caretakership in Mancos, and feels like "starting over somewhere new". I really wouldn't know how to explain that to LB without making him look like a complete asshole. But I guess she'll figure it out on her own. Must be nice to be able to run away every time you have a problem.

I woke up numerous times last night, having bitten my tongue in my sleep. I think I need to go soak in a hot springs or something before I wake up one night choking on my own blood. Anyone have an idea on reducing stress that doesn't involve exercise or food, oh and it has to include a 17 month old toddler. UGHH.

Mundaes

Things I'm not happy about today:

1. My Egg Donation is NOT going to be in New York, but Santa Rosa, California instead. I guess they mixed up the coastlines or something. I was really looking forward to finally visiting the Big Apple.
2. I am going to have to drive to Albuquerque for my Ultrasounds instead of getting them here in Durango. I will have to take time off work for these days, as it is a 6 hour round trip. I really cannot afford to do that, ON TOP of the time I will have to take off during the actual retrieval process.
3. I have a late meeting today, and have no one to pick up LB from daycare. Everyone is out of town, sick or busy with work or school. So I will have to leave my meeting early, another step down on my job performance.
4. The horrendous display of shoddy footballing by my home team, The Broncos. It was just too painful to watch, honestly. I kept yelling at the screen "Champ Bailey can't cover the whole field YOU MORONS!" When even Mike Shanahan says he's embarrassed by his team, then you know it was a bad bad game.

However, these are the things I AM happy about today:

1. Its currently 65 degrees outside, and we are pulling into the second week of November.
2. I snuck out to see my apartment this weekend, and they actually have the numbers up, so I peeked into MY ACTUAL HOUSE!!! I saw MY ACTUAL CARPET! MY ACTUAL STOVE! I can't express how excited I was, I may even sneak out there later this week and harass a construction worker into letting me inside.
3. I did my Hula Buns & Abs this morning, and was very satisfied with the results of my half.com purchase. It was fun (even challenging), and I finished the whole thing before LB woke up.
4. In general, I feel good. I can tell that my body is getting stronger. I can chase LB around the playground and not feel like I'm going to die afterwards. I am not scared of going to store, because I know I can head off my toddler before she rips down half the canned food aisle. I'm still stuck at 153 lbs, but my post-baby belly doesn't look so scary anymore, and I feel like I'm going to get below 150 this week.

So between those two conflicting ups and downs, I think I may be able to survive the day.

7:15 AM

Ok I'll make it short today. I'm sick of my long-winded rants. This is my dilemma:

• 5 am - Wake Up Call
• 5:15 - Begin Pilates Hell
• 5:30 - Call JL
• 6:00- Start Coffee
• 6:05 - Shower
• 6:20- Drink Cup O Joe #1, Read Durango Herald
• 6:30- Wake up LB (if she hasn't called for me yet)
• 6:35- Feed Toddler breakfast (try to insert liquid Vitamins somehow)
• 6:40- Get Dressed, Do hair
• 6:55- Change LB's diaper, get her dressed
• 7:00- Warm-up Car
• 7:05- Do Make-Up, brush teeth, perhaps chug Cup O Joe #2
• 7:10- Chase Toddler around house, trying to get her coat on
• 7:15 - In Carseat, Ready to Roll
• 7:16- Almost fall asleep at the wheel

How come I am ready for a nap at 7:16 every morning? I've HAD one (sometimes two) cups of coffee, I've been thoroughly awake for more than 2 hours. But as soon as I get in my warm car, flip on the radio, and drive the 15-20 minutes into town, its like I'm ready for dreamland by the time I hit Wildcat Canyon. Like Clockwork, everyday!

My mother says I may be coffee crashing, but I think its an excuse to get me to stop drinking yet another "thing that is bad for me", or maybe so she can drink the whole pot. But how can I caffeine crash only 10 minutes after I drink it? That's just wrong.

So Should I quit drinking coffee? Since I've quit drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes and *ahem* other undesirable habits since partaking on this egg donation process, I guess I might as well go for broke.

What are your thoughts? Do you have the sudden need for a nap everyday? Do you think its related to caffeine intake? Ugh I guess that post wasn't really that short after all. I blame it on word vomit. :P

Bad timing

LB was really clingy last night. She did NOT want to lie down in her bed. I swear when I gave her the over-the-crib hug, she did not let go until I felt her grip release because she was slowly passing out. Awww. Poor bubbo.

I was also awakened by her random high pitched cries throughout the night. Luckily, she's been able to go back to sleep on her own, but it still shakes me to hear her. I think she knows that we're moving again, plus the weekend with daddy totally messed with her daily routine.

So by 5 am, I was completely resistant to getting up. I DID manage to lurch to my feet at about 5:30, and pissily shove the workout dvd in the player. Called JL, check. My workout was pretty half-assed I must say, I was so NOT perky this morning.

To top it off, I bit my tongue last night, which has developed into a huge achy spot. There is definitely some pain when I talk, and to make it worse, I either sound like I have a lisp or I just came back from having my teeth drilled.

The cherry on TOP of this situation is that today I have my "Psychological Evaluation" over the phone with a therapist in California....for my egg donation. So she will either be unable to understand me or I will have to stop talking every two minutes to swallow drool and cringe in pain.

So, I may still be rejected, due to disfunctional tongue syndrome. Wish me luck :)

The unexpected

The insane month of October continues to throw curve balls at us. Here's the latest one.

About 7 months ago, I accompanied my close friend to Miami, FL to be her companion while she went through the final stage of egg donation. She decided to donate her eggs after struggling with fertility for about 3 years. After finally conceiving twins (born only two weeks after LB), she registered with an egg donation consulting firm and received almost immediately.

She asked me go with her, and through this I started to learn more about the donation process: the medication, the injections, the meticulous tracking of the cycles, the ultrasounds, all of it. After we returned from Miami, I started to get curious about my own DNA.

I was torn about donating for a long time. I figured there are so many children out there waiting to be adopted that going out of my way to assist someone in conceiving seemed selfish and unnecessary. The couples who choose egg donation want to experience pregnancy and birth, and I think those are the exact reasons they decide not to adopt. Having gone through pregnancy and birth myself, I can understand where someone might be coming from. That doesn't excuse the fact that there are more and more children born every day that need to be adopted. I think it also takes a very special and incredible person to be an adoptive parent, and not everyone can rise to that occasion.

If someone has the made the decision to have a child through egg donation, then they are prepared to sacrifice a huge amount of time, money, emotional and physical stress. Even after going through all this.....

"The success rate varies depending upon age of eggs, retrieval process, quality
of semen, and the overall health of the women involved. In most cases,
younger eggs are selected to increase the probability of success. As
high as 48% of women using donor eggs will experience pregnancy,
however approximately 15-20% of women will lose the pregnancy through miscarriage." http://www.americanpregnancy.org/infertility/donoreggs.html

So its not at all a guarantee. It's a gamble. If I can provide someone with
an incredibly useful tool, especially when my eggs are just going to waste every
month anyway, I think becoming a donor would make me very proud and satisfied.

Another reason I feel justified in becoming a donor is because of the huge amount of women who have put their careers and marriages before having children. Many of the couples who choose egg donation are in their late 30s and 40s. I completely respect the decision to wait, become financially and emotionally secure and then decide to have children.

The feminist in me also says "Hey, guys donate sperm ALL the time, and nobody gives them any crap about giving up a possible child." Plus, an egg is not a child. The donor is not a mother. The family that carries it, raises and nurtures it, are the real parents. I am simply the biological component. I am the blueprint. The parents are going to build the house and live in it.

This is another reason why I would choose to be a donor, but never be a surrogate. The pregnancy stage of the fertility process is one of the most important stages of becoming a mother. That is why I think it takes someone incredibly special to adopt. Its also another reason why I think so many women who decide to give up their babies for adoption, change their mind during those 9 months. Honestly, after carrying a child for that long, thinking about it, and finally giving birth to it, I don't see how someone could give it away. To me, you go through all those things in order to create that maternal instinct, that bond that makes you NEED that baby. If I were a surrogate, I would not be able to separate myself from the baby I was carrying.

For all you mothers who gave your child up for adoption, I don't think you are disgusting or immoral. This is only my individual experience on the subject, and personally, this is why I could never be a surrogate, or give my child up for adoption. It is also the reason why I would feel no connection to my eggs after I donated them.

So that's my big news for the month: I'm going to New York City to donate.

What is your opinion on Egg Donation? Surrogacy? Adoption? Whew, the stuff you get to think about when you have girl parts.