Bad Dreams

I had my first experience with a "Death of your Child" dream. I had the usual weird pregnancy dreams when I was knocked up, the most interesting being the one where I dreamed I had LB and she came out a boy, then almost instantly transformed into a girl. Funny cause all along the Ultrasounds kept telling us she was a boy, and she popped out a girl...hmmm?

This dream was different though. I dreamed I was in the middle of a very muddy pond, like the ones we used to catch salamanders in as kids in Vermont. I was on a ship which was almost as big as the pond. As if it were cut from the movie Titanic, the ship RIPS in half and sinks. The weird thing about it was that the pond was so shallow, the top of the thing was sticking out of the water. LB gets stuck under the boat somehow and drowns.

I can remember partially waking up at this point and sobbing, and falling back to sleep. I think I was in that "half awake/half asleep" state, because my dream continued. This was the weird part: One of my friend's twins was sitting on the bank of the pond, covered in dirt. In the dream, I pick her up as if she was my own and take her away, the whole time people telling me "Its ok, at least you still have the other one."

Can we say FULL MOON? What is your perspective on dreams?

My own worst enemy

So I know a lot of things are beyond my control that will impead my ability to further myself in the world: high cost of living, minimum wage, babydaddy's failure to pay child support, ignorance, sexism, etc.. But sometimes, it really just ME kicking myself in the face.

Yesterday, I left my purse in the car for a half an hour and when I came back outside, my wallet had mysteriously vanished.

Why this is my own fault:

1. I left my car unlocked
2. I left my windows rolled down
3. I LEFT MY DAMN PURSE IN THE CAR AND DIDN'T TAKE IT WITH ME!

Yes, I am a moron. I have become to lazy in thinking that people are good and trusting in my small, quaint, mountain town.

Why this is bad:

1. My driver's license was in my wallet (really not such a big deal, I just have to drive without a license until I get paid next week)
2. My debt card was in my wallet (eh, I cancelled my account, no biggie)
2. Our Medicaid cards were in my wallet (bad cause someone might try to go to the doctor using my or LB's card)
3. BOTH my and LB's social security cards were in my wallet. BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD.

I have already put a fraud watch out on my ss # and requested another card. But poor LB, she doesn't have a credit report obviously and there's no way to monitor her SS # (according to the Social Security Office) until someone starts using it for their own advantage. My daughter might already have horrible credit by the time she is able to get a credit card of her own because her mom was stupid enough to carry around BOTH ss cards in her wallet.

In my own defense though- In the last 2 months, I have filled out applications for Section 8 Housing Vouchers, Colorado Health Plans (like Medicaid), my own employer's insurance, Colorado Housing, Habitat for Humanity, Request for LB's birth certificate, Request for Social Security card, Child Care Assistance, Head Start, and plenty of other forms that require you to present social security cards for EVERY member of your household.

I don't think that I went ONE week without submitting an application that needed my and LB's ss card, so I usually had it in my purse.

I know this is no excuse. I should have taken the cards out of my wallet every day as soon as I got home.

Sometimes I think I need a crash course on life before actually living it. Especially now that I have a child. There's so many mistakes you make and how are you supposed to recover from them without incurring permanent damage? I wonder if LB will be the youngest person in the world to have her identity stolen? Does this legally count as "Wrongs to Children"?

Haha. Ok. I will get through this. It is a minor set-back on my way to independence and harmony with the world. All I need is a paycheck, and that will set off the chain reaction to my self-sufficiency.