Settle

Once my mother gained the prestige of a high-paying, work-from-home job after 40 years as part of the workforce, she did what every other aging feminist would do: Subscribed to all the political, intellectual, progressive, magazines she could.

Now when she reads something she thinks I would be interested in I should read, she sends the article over to me, usually accompanied by a couple of LB's socks or half-eaten cookies she left at grandma's house.

The most recent article I was privileged to read was from The Atlantic. My mother described her reaction to the peice as "horrified". She also said she was completely shocked at her reaction. The article was written by a 40-something woman who put her career first, didn't find "true love" and ended up having a child through sperm donation. The author made a case for chosing someone who may not be your "soul mate", but who may end up being a good partner, a good father, or someone who will just BE THERE for you. She says Lonliness is worse than dissatisfaction.

Hmm. Boy was I glad I read that, being a single mom and all. It was especially pleasant after coming home from watching "Atonement", probably one of the most intensely upsetting love stories to hit the silver screen.

The article had a point though. My generation is one of post-feminist idealism. We were raised to think highly of ourselves, that we deserve the utmost respect, and should never lower ourselves to meet someone else's standards. I can remember distinctly as a child, telling my mom I wanted to be a flight attendant, to which she sneered, "BE THE PILOT!"

Understandably, our mothers came from families where they witnessed banishment to the kitchen and laundry room, where a woman's goal reached no further than securing a husband and producing offspring. Of course they want their daughters to be pilots. That's why they burned their bras and fought for a woman's right to choose, right?

The article argued that while we may still be privy to this mentality, deep down inside of us, we all want to be partners with someone who loves us in the end. Living with this dichotomy is no easy task. The author says we have become too picky, striving to find the "perfect" man who is suited to our too high standards. We have thrown away the old fashion, unromantic notion of "Love has nothing to do with a successful marriage." How Victorian, UGH.

But what does it really mean to love someone? Does it have to mean sacrficing your needs for theirs? Or does it mean that no matter what your flaws, that person will be with you through thick and thin? Are we too quick to write off someone's quirks as incompatibilty? Or are the ones who make it through marriage just complacently enduring it because they'd rather be with someone than be alone?

I know this is an extremely bitter thought, (she aint frontin') but it made me think. I would rather be single than stuck in the relationship I was in before, but that doesn't mean I am too self-righteous to think that I would be happy on my own for the rest of my life. No, I want to be with someone too. Maybe I'm lucky because now I know for sure what I DON'T want, and at least learned it at a young age.

As far as my parents go, I don't understand why my mother was so shocked at the article. She has been living with a man she is almost embarrased to be with for the last 26 years. And technically they don't even live together anymore! Do they split up? No. They stay comfortably locked into each other's world. Why? Habit? Routine? Quiet Acceptance? Or is it, as stated in the article, that they would rather be married to each other, knowing that someone else out there understands them and has stuck with them this long, than be alone? I think my parents are the perfect example of this argument.

The feminists may have fought for the nobility of self-respect and true love, but they were really just posers underneath. They burned their bras and settled down to a comfortable life, complete with a washer/dryer and 2.5 kids. Why? Because no one wants to be alone.

Finally a moment

So this week has been hell to say the least. My daycare is a state-run program that technically has to begin a new "semester"every September. So in preparation for the new semester, they conveniently close their doors for 2 weeks.

Now I don't know how popular all of you working mommies and daddies are out there, but I was one of those artsy, hippie kids in high school who had a core group of about 5-7 companions and never really stretched beyond those boundaries.

The upside: I still am very close with those 5-7 friends (which I think I can say, is very rare nowadays when you are pushing 25.5 years old) . I love those friends dearly.

The downside: It leaves very few options when your daycare closes and corners you with your thumb up your bum. Also, I don't know anyone under the age of 35 who is NOT working a full time job, unless they have a very special significant other who supports them.

What about dropping in on other daycares, you ask? Don't get me started. I've covered this topic in depth.

So I have my grandmother and my mother-in-law, the two beacons of light in my workweek dilemma. This leaves 3 days of non-coverage. I ended up working from home these three days, mostly after LB went to bed, and believe me, she did NOT go to bed early all week.

So, while trying to type a 26 page preschool evaluation worksheet while entertaining a teething 15 month old, I started getting a familiar throb in my wrist. Yes. Hand went back in the splint, dummy went back to the doctor.

About 7 months ago, Durango went through a serious health care crisis when the largest health care provider shut its doors. One of the only providers who accepted medicaid, medicare and CHP+ (which is the Colorado version of a step up from medicaid) shut its doors and left a huge number of people without doctors.

At the time I did not have to beau coup benefits package I now am receiving from the school district, so I technically did not have a primary care physician, and had not been to the doctor since my follow-up from my c-section in 2006.

This led to my referral to the leftover clinic that remained after Valley-Wide shut down. This doctor told me that I needed an x-ray when I came in about my wrist. I told her the doctor at the hospital had said I did NOT have a fracture and did not need an x-ray, but this doc insisted.

All I really wanted was to get some advice on how to prevent my wrist from giving out in the future, and still be able to pick up my daughter. I wanted strengthening tips, exercises I could do, etc...

What I got instead was a useless x-ray and a bottle of painkillers. How disappointed I am in our health care system. But what else is new?

So now its Saturday, I'm high on lortabs and still clueless on how to be a smarter, less-stressed wrist-flailer.

Hey, I guess that's why I have the Internet. WebMD is free and sadly, I think I might get better information from it than this sad excuse for a doctor. (No offense to all the lovely docs I have linked on my page.)

Discouraged

Hi There,
I have looked at two apartments in the last week. The first was amazing:

• 1bedroom -$650/month - which included utilities.
• Upstairs bedroom with balcony overlooking Lightner Creek.
• Front porch with deck.
• Gas Stove.
• Month to Month Rental options.
• Lots of landscaped property for LB to run around on.
• Nice local landlords who plow the driveway faithfully in the winter.
• Clean carpets.
• 5 minutes to work/daycare

They of course got 40+ calls over the weekend and decided to go with a strapping young man who would help them with the yard work instead of a single mommy who worked full time. Very upsetting. This was, by far, the most attractive rental I have seen yet. I thought I had a shot at it too, after talking to the landlords for a while. I mean, hey- they didn't refuse to see me because I had a baby, that's a plus in itself.

Very nice people, even called me to let me know they had picked someone else, instead of blowing me off (which is what people usually do).

I then went to look at the second rental.

• $625 + $140 in utilities (no choice in the matter, since the apt is part of a house).
• 350 total sq footage.
• No living room, only a kitchen with a bathroom off one end, and a bedroom off the other.
• Ceilings so low I could reach them, and I'm 5'5".
• Electric stove
• Previous tenant had yet to move out, and his stuff was everywhere.
• The property is actually up for sale
• If the property DOESN'T sell before Oct, then you have to sign a lease for the winter.
• The landlords live in New Mexico, therefore would not be there to fix issues.
• Was dirty, disgusting and depressing.

I couldn't believe how much they were trying to get for this place. They actually were showing it as an open house, and lots of people got to the front porch and turned around and left. This apartment was barely big enough to fit a dining room table in the kitchen, and a twin bed in the bedroom.

I was so discouraged after getting rejected from the lightner creek apt that even going to look at this place was a bad idea. I should have known better. And the worst part? I KNEW these people! They were my dad's LANDLORDS. Total granola hippies. Scum-sucking, money-grubbing, dirty Hippies.

It makes me sad to think I am described as one.

Hippiecrites.

P.S. From now on I'm going to take photos of the places I look at, and have you rate them. Would you rent this place for this amount?

Word.