Cost of Living

Moved

2008-05-12T22:04:00.001-07:00

Well I did it. I moved over to wordpress. Here's the new page:

Cost of Living

Hope to see you there!

Mother's day hangover

2008-05-12T07:54:00.005-07:00

Ok, I'm not really hungover. I had one ~~box~~ glass of wine last night, while uploading Mother's Days pics. I had a great weekend. The only downside was my guilt for not going to JL's grand opening, but I look forward to reading her blog about it!

On Saturday, while LB was with her dad, I played the 5th wheel to Jiji and Grady's romantic pilgrimage to Pagosa Hot Springs, and OMG, it was amazing. I haven't been there since they attempted to make it a "destination" spa (barf), but honestly, its wicked nice now. We even schlepped the local discount out of the front desk dude.

I had a little phobia about squeezing back into a swimsuit after....um 3 YEARS OF NOT WEARING ONE. Yes, while Jiji and her man enjoyed a quiet breakfast with the soon-to-be in laws, I was panicking through the Mother's Day Sale crowds at JC Penny, trying to find the least hideous two piece I could find in less than an hour. I forced through 20 suits in record time, and what did I come up with? A brown and green top, and blue and yellow bottoms.

Being the raised-on-a-commune, fashion victim that I am, I chose clashing comfort over matching muffin top. Hey, I was just glad I wasn't the whitest ass on the patio, and HOT DAMN there were some baby belugas out there.

Mother's Day was fun, did the usual: gorged on pico de gallo/listened to dad play guitar, while mom ranted about politics and religion. Thank god LB is oblivious to all the drama at this point. I can't wait for the day she asks me "Why is Grandma so stressed?"

But the best part was having LB come home from her dad's house in the same pair of underwear that I sent her in. She looked happy and glad to see me, no cat scratches (like last time), and there was only a twinge of tension between Jed and I. Could it be that he actually followed my request NOT to put her in diapers? Could it be that one day things may actually be friendly between us? I've been walking on eggshells for so long that I don't want to let my guard down, lest I be (to quote the movie Clueless) brutally rebuffed.

Who knows, but it was a stellar weekend indeed.

TGIF = $600 in my bank account

2008-05-09T08:54:00.004-07:00

So I was scouring my favorite blogs, wondering if anyone got to experience the sudden elation I did about 20 minutes ago. Yes. There it was. $600 magically appeared in my bank account this morning. CHA CHING!

What am I going to do with it? Umm.... pay bills? Pay OFF debt? I'm a single mom here, with a daughter who will one day grow up and ask me for a large sum of money (hopefully for college, not breast implants, an eye job, or god knows what kind of plastic surgery will be available in the year 2024). So my Economic Stimulus check will be going into a Money Market account, and I'm going to pray that the Dollar won't be comparable to a Peso by the time LB is 18.

Yeah, that's right. SCREW YOU DUBYA. You can't FORCE me to spend my money on cheap ass Wal-Mart crap. Why would I spend money on something that isn't even made in our country? Aren't we trying to boost the economy, (meaning, supporting our OWN workers) not pay for sh**ty imported junk, that forces people to work for less than a dollar a day? I don't think so ASSCLOWN.

I'm going to take the little leftover cash and put it right into my friend JL's Opening Day Extravaganza. She's a hard worker and her family has been running a business in Durango for 3 generations now. I may also put a little money into the Farmer's Market, and throw a big dinner for all my friends.

I've been thinking about money a lot lately, since my boss took me out to lunch to celebrate "our' one year anniversary, she mentioned a raise is in my near future. I was also thinking about bloggers who actually get paid, and the amazing writers they are. Ms. Single Mama, who I just discovered, ALWAYS has funny, fearless, single-mom-friendly posts, introduced me to ANOTHER kick ass blogger. This lady is probably a total celebrity, but since I am out of the TV loop, I only can guess what her true identity. Her blog made me laugh out loud at least 3 times. She writes in her profile that her blog has created enough revenue for her hubby to QUIT HIS JOB and be SAHD!

Now maybe I'm just going on a fantasy bender because LB has been having issues at daycare lately, but OMG THAT WOULD BE MY DREAM! I'm salivating over it, honestly. Especially with the evil, looming "every other weekend" notion cutting into my already meager mommy time :(

Working full time never bothered me before. I was confident that my daughter could grow up to be an amazing, well-adjusted human being as long as she knew she was loved, and I could spend every non-working moment with her. Now that her dad is sliding back into the picture, he wants his fair share of parenting time. I know technically I get to see her everyday of the week, but really, that's only 1 hour in the morning before daycare drop-off, and about 4 hours between pick-up and bedtime. Its the weekends that are the days when I get to catch up on everything I missed Monday-Friday.

If only my blog had readers that expanded beyond Durango (no offense Colorado kids, I love you all), or if my Banner wasn't a half-assed, Publisher-created image, or if I knew more about Photoshop, or had something fresh to offer, then I could be one of those Full-Time Bloggers, traveling the world with my Gemini child in tow. I could sit outside with my laptop, while she played with her My Little Ponies, sipping coffee and listening to K.T. Tunstall & Cross Canadian Ragweed. Ok, so I know this dream-land coma is only induced by the fact I stare at a brick wall all day long, and part of me is still dealing with the "never want to see his face again" factor, but it would be.....swell, wouldn't it?

Fun

2008-05-06T09:09:00.004-07:00

1) What was I doing 10 years ago?
Spending $7.50 every weekend, so I could feed my Titanic addiction. Slinging chicken at KFC. Speed racing my first car: A 1990 Geo Prizm. Staying up late acting in Community Theatre. Wow, I had fun when I was 16.

2) What are five things on your to-do list for today?
Drive Gametime applications to Rec Center.
Pick up Jiji for Lunch.
Pick up LB from daycare.
Pick up Happy Meal.
Return to daycare for boring, nobody-ever-shows-up, lame-ass parent meeting.

3) What snacks do I enjoy?
Frank's Red Hot. Seriously, anything is edible with this stuff on it.
Twizzlers (a low fat candy) HAHAHA.
I like the superfabulous, gay-friendly, rainbow goldfish.
LB's mini fruit roll-ups.
Does wine count?

4) Things I would do if I were a billionaire?
Buy my parents a vineyard in No Cal, so they could live peacefully at separate ends, and stay drunk all time.
Buy land....being a Coloraoan, DUH.
Make "Dream Fund" for LB's future.
Buy a gasless car.
Get Lasik and maybe some lipo.
Buy George W. Bush a clue.

5) Three Bad Habits
Adding too much garlic to everything.
Putting hot sauce on everything.
Being a movie snob.
Being lazy with my recycling.
Chatting/Blogging my life away.

6) 5 places I have lived…
Boston, MA
Shaftsbury, VT
My-am-Uh (Miami), OK
Petaluma, CA
Slidell, LA

7) 5 Jobs I have had
Pregnant Pizza Delivery Driver
Intern at the Jim Henson Company
Set Designer
Advertising Sales Assistant
Construction Worker

Colorado Kids, consider yourself TAGGED.

Under Staffed

2008-05-06T08:36:00.003-07:00

A daycare center is like any other business operation: it has employees, rules and regulations, money flowing in and out, customers and bosses, and precious, precious cargo.

Sadly, like any other business, employees get sick, people have emergencies, bosses go on vacation, and 13 infants and toddlers are being cared for by 3 people. Kinda makes you wonder about those friggin crazy assess, The Duggars. Unfortunately, toddlers are unable to change diapers and do laundry, so the whole "child labor" philosophy that family employs, doesn't work in this situation.

I got a call at 2 pm yesterday, saying LB had 5 accidents at daycare and she needed more clothes and underwear. My jaw dropped. 5 ACCIDENTS?! Did they even TAKE her to the potty? I know she's a smart kid and all, but she really hasn't figured out how to pull her pants up and down on her own yet, and you still need to ask her if she has to pee. I don't think that's too much to ask for a 23 month old.

Since I live in the quaint mountain town of Durango, Wal-Mart is the only shopping option for baby undies. Wal-Mart happens to be on the exact OPPOSITE side of town. Apparently summer has come early, because I spent the entire 30 minute drive behind a GOD DAMNED TOUR BUS.

Needless to say, an hour of my workday was obliterated. The worst part was showing up at daycare, watching the chaos of crying babies, sweaty, miserable workers, and LB with her pants soaking wet. Her face lit up when she saw me, only to melt into a sob as I hugged her and rushed out the door.

Yes, I made my daughter cry. Yes, I left her at a daycare where they didn't have enough people to run it. Yes, I returned to work, where I had 50 summer school applications waiting to be filed, when the deadline was last Thursday.

Yes, I drank two glasses of wine after I put Boo Boo to bed.

I better get a friggin raise soon.

Have to

2008-05-05T19:56:00.005-07:00

I think one of the truest parenting moments on screen consisted of Steve Martin in the obvious classic "Parenthood" when he turns to the camera and says with complete hatred

"My whole life is 'Have To' "

Lots of moms ask me how I can stand watching someone else with my daughter. How I can sit there and look at another woman wiping her nose, kissing her on the cheek, hugging her and asking her how she is. Married moms always say to me "I just couldn't do that."

I guess the answer is I don't have a choice. My daughter's father moved on without looking back, but that doesn't mean he disappeared into thin air. In fact, let me spell it out for you...

2 years down, 17 to go. It also means I have to deal with whoever he adds to our lives. Right now its a 23-year-old mom, her 6-year-old daughter and the 4-year-old sister. Depending on how long this relationship lasts, I may get to know all these people reasonably well. I don't think married people understand this concept, how many people are involved in your child's life when the parents start new lives.

So for the people who don't know how I stand living the life I've created for myself....thanks for the compliment. I bet you are thanking your lucky stars that you don't have my life. It makes me feel good that I can stomach something most married moms couldn't, because YES, it does make me want to puke every time I see Jed's girlfriend kiss LB, or when her kids call her "sister." But if I'm an emotional wreck 24/7, what kind of a mother am I?

I refuse to be that mom. I'm going to survive this, and kudos to me if you couldn't do it yourself.

Since when did I move to L.A.?

2008-05-02T20:56:00.002-07:00

So on a day when they AREN'T doing controlled burns in the area, you can see snow capped mountains on that horizon. And people are wondering why allergies are so bad this year? This is the reason I spend $30 a bottle on Zyrtec. Yay.

Hmmmm

2008-05-01T09:58:00.004-07:00

I guess my blog only works on alternate Thursdays. Maybe the IT dudes are too busy filtering out other blogging weenies around the school district. I feel special.

Do I believe in Luck? Sometimes. When it makes me feel better. Today I do. Why?

I successfully accomplished my nerdy/hippie/weirdo ritual of saying "white rabbit" this morning, being the first of the month, and all. Yay, no one in the world cares except me. I pat myself on the back, and finish drinking my coffee.

6:45 - Awaken Toddler
6:50- Potty (SUCCESS!)
7:00- Finish Cup o Java #2
7:10- Watch LB eat Cah-Teese (cottage cheese) with her hands
7:15- Get child in Car seat
7:16- Turn key in ignition
7:17- Listen to car struggle to start
7:18- Turn car off
7:19- Attempt #2
7:20- Attempt #3
7:21- Scan area for random construction workers.
7:22- Attempt # 4
7:23- LB laughs and says "Car STUCK"
7:24- Attempt #5
7:25- Attempt #6 (Did I mention how good at denial I am?)
7:26- Attempt #7 IT"S ALIIVVVE!!!!

Thank God I said White Rabbit, but that's only because I believe in luck today.

Whats Right

2008-04-29T19:29:00.004-07:00

As difficult and lonely this past year has been, I have found comfort in my friends and family. Even if LB's daddy was off living his new life with his new family, basically leaving us in his distant memory, I had an army of positive thinking on my side. I had LB's three Leo Aunts there to pat me on the back, and puff me up.

They inflated my pride, and my ego as the "super mom", the mom who could do it all. I could face anything with them cheering me on, applauding my every success.

And every nasty word that slipped through my lips was met with overwhelming consensus. YES, what a total A**HOLE he is to leave you and LB. I don't understand what is WRONG WITH HIM. What a COMPLETE LOSER.

And as much as I hate to admit it, those bitter words and spouts of rage brought me as much comfort as the pats on the back.

Because it was easy being the good mom when he was such a F**wad. It almost made me want to try harder at being a mom, just so I could prove how much more above him I was. The worse he acted, the more he forgot about us, the better I looked, and honestly, the better I felt.

Now he has reappeared in our lives again. Wanting to be the "good dad." Wanting to see LB on a regular basis.

Everything in me screams "YOU DON'T DESERVE IT! WHY NOW? WHY NOT A YEAR AGO?"
But I know that's only my bitterness talking. If I were really the "super mom" then I would let my daughter decide what kind of a dad she has.

Every week I didn't hear from him, a sick little part of me got giddier and giddier, thinking "What if I never have to deal with him ever again?" That sense of guilty, delusional excitement has been growing for 6 weeks now, and all of a sudden POP. Reality.

And I have come to the conclusion that what may be easiest for me, may not be the best thing for LB. If I truly respect her as the amazing human being she is (even at 22 months), then I won't let my anger and sense of pride ruin it for her.

And its been hard, because my fishy emotions always seem to have a death grip on my sense of reason. I'm gonna catch that slippery, scaly bitterness, toss it back out to sea, so I can do what's right.

A year ago

2008-04-24T21:03:00.004-07:00

I've been having a lot of strange dreams, nostalgic thoughts and fits of deja-vu this week. Why? Because the chaotic sign of Aries is turning into the stable, generous sign of Taurus? Because a huge unknown has been eradicated from the world of child support? Because one year ago my life was completely and utterly unrecognizable from what it is today.

As I sit daydreaming at my desk, I have flashes of turquoise water, white sand and gentle sun come over me. Maybe my brain instinctively knows that at this time last year I was sitting on a beach in Miami, Florida, wondering if I should ever return to Colorado.

Why? Well, the current temperature on Miami Beach was 68 degrees and people kept telling us it was "cold" out. When we told everyone we were from Colorado, they asked "Why did you bring the cold weather with you?" Ha. Little did those bronzed Floridians know, there was still snow on the ground back home. Did I want to return to that? Hell no.

At that point I was not working full time. I did not possess the financial security and 5-day a week time commitment to something other than my daughter. LB had not been introduced to the universe of daycare. I held a part-time "Seasonal" job as an Imaging Technician, where I worked 12 measly hours a week while LB stayed with her daddy.

At that point I was still wearing a ring on my finger. A diamond ring that had seen the ruin of Louisiana, crack motels in Lubbock, Texas, the roar of the Aztec Speedway, the redrock of Lake Powell, the Santa Anas of Long Beach, California, and most recently, the molding, deteriorating carpet of our misshapen cabin in Mancos.

After I came back from Miami, I never slept on that carpet again. I never slept in that house again. I didn't even unpack my bags when I got home. I just took my daughter and left with the words "I think we need to take a break," echoing behind me.

Though I didn't realize it at the time, that was the day my engagement ended.

3 weeks later, I started my present job and managed to find a daycare slot.
4 weeks later, I had my own health insurance for the first time.
1 week later, LB had her first birthday.
2 months later, I received my first raise.
3 months later, I donated eggs to a couple in need.
1 month later, I moved into my own place.
1 day later, I pawned my engagement ring.
1 month later, I filed for child support.
3 months later, I have a child support order.

In 2 more months, I will have a 2 year old daughter.

Did I really survive it all?

Where were you a year ago?

75%

2008-04-22T09:35:00.004-07:00

LB is officially in undies at daycare. She had two accidents yesterday, but otherwise had a pretty successful day. I don't want to shoot myself in the foot with any glowing expectations, but I think she's about 75% got it.

I'm thinking of throwing a potty party once we are in the clear. I intend to make all my friends wear potty crowns and embarrass them thoroughly.

Oh P.S. If you're gonna lie about how much you make on the child support worksheet, at least rig it so your payment is realistic. LB's daddy (a roofer) apparently makes less than I do, which still works out to be more of a payment than I requested from him originally.

Yeah. I'm not expecting much. Good thing I can support my daughter and myself alone. That's how I roll.

I'm Back

2008-04-18T09:39:00.004-07:00

So the reason I haven't blogged in a week or so is because blogger got stuck in the school district's internet filter. Those naughty high schoolers must have been blogging during class! SHOCKING! Unlike myself, who only blogs on her....ahem... lunch break.

This week has been to exhausting for me to blog at home.

My head hit the pillow last night at exactly 8:17. Why?

My grandma turned 73 this week and we took her out to dinner. Sadly, the distance between the restroom and our table seemed like half a city block, and since LB is in the midst of Potty Training Limbo, I was forced to haul her booty to the facilities every time she looked at me and said "Poop?"

How many times did she actually use the potty? 1 outta 4 times. Well I guess those odds a better than none, but MAN was I exhausted.

The 4th time she asked to go, I was like ughhhhhh. "You DON'T have to go!"

My mother almost bit my head off. "It is YOUR responsibility to take your child to the potty EVERY TIME she asks."

LB, high on "teesecake" and Ice "ceem" joyfully dragged my tired ass back to the restroom. She's learning how to jump, so walking is a whole new spaztastic experience. Whoa Nelly. I can't wait till she's jumping from the top step of the stairs.

Anyway, tonight I get to go out again. Yes, I actually get to be a real adult instead of a Potty Attendant. LB is staying with her grandma and I am taking my friends out for a celebration of sorts.

JL's grand opening is next Monday!

Jiji and Grady have set a date!

Curmudge and hubby have been married 2 years!!

So we're gonna hit Mama's Boy, which (according to my mom) is the new meat market for middle aged singletons and divorced Boomers. Maybe I can pick up an ex-hippie/doctor?

Hehehehe.

Impass

2008-04-11T08:46:00.004-07:00

I've hit a rut with potty training. Its reached the point where LB likes using the potty, will tell me when she has done it in her diaper, she likes getting stickers every time she uses the potty, and will go pretty much every time I put her on there. She is happy with this progress, and so am I.

However, she still wears diapers, thus making her "accidents" a normal part of her day, and not really a big deal. The potty training regimen that daycare has provided for me, demands a complete ban of diapers all together. They even frown upon training pants (which I just spent $75 on), insisting I should go straight to thin cotton underpants that older kids wear.

Let me just say that they don't even make cutesy girly panties in 18-24 month size. I had to special order training pants in LB's size alone.

So last night, I took the plunge and put her in the brand-spanking new training pants. I made a huge deal (like the book tells you to) about having "big girl undies" and how awesome it was. LB liked them, but didn't really understand that she couldn't pee in them like a diaper.

I tired making her sit on the potty every 30 minutes, but I had the worst timing, failing to prevent an accident ALL EVENING. The new training pants were soaked, I was frustrated and LB was getting more and more upset as the night went on.

By the time I put he down to bed, she was clingy and whiny. She refused to lay down when I left the room. By 8:30 she was hysterically screaming. I don't even think she remembered why she was screaming. By 9:00 I could hear her going hoarse.

I sat downstairs, trying to ignore her. I kept running through the comments I received at daycare this week, "She had an emotional day" "She woke up from her nap crying" "She refused to eat breakfast" "She is sooooo sensitive!" and felt like absolute sh**.

I want my daughter to be brave and strong, not whiny and emotional. Am I turning her into a kid with issues already? Is she that kid who makes the adults roll their eyes, and not want to be around? Am I spoiling her? Do I give her too much attention? Is she destined to be one of those "only children" who can't share her toys or relate to other kids?

In 6 months, LB will be the same age I was when my sister was born, and I wish with all my heart I could give her a sibling. I wish she could have what my sister and I have. Sometimes I wonder if she is lonely, bored or not stimulated enough by living with only me.

Lets just say the "tough mommy" routine failed miserably by 1:30 am, since LB did not sleep more than an hour at at time after that, and I resorted to letting her sleep next to me. At 4:00 am, she no longer wanted to sleep in my bed, so I sat on the couch, holding her in a blanket, and eventually fell asleep sitting up.

Ugh I am spineless.

Horrormonal

2008-04-10T07:29:00.004-07:00

Since its that time of the month, I get a free pass to drinking all the red wine I want, right? Well Lemme describe how ridiculous I am, right now.

I was an emotional wreck last night. Since I got my taxes back, I treated myself to some online purchases, and have been waiting for them for a few weeks. The housing project that I live in, as you all know is fairly new, and therefore has recurring problems with delivery drivers finding the place.

So last night, I was in the shower, drinking red wine(having put the toddler to bed, of course). I was feeling pretty sh**y, having dealt with a bad situation at work, one where I am forbidden to talk about, due to confidentiality, but basically it just so happens I get to see the evidence of my baby daddy's "responsible" parenting to his girlfriend's kids, and he hasn't seen his own daughter in 40-something days. And I deal with it on a weekly basis, but yesterday it was just too much.

Anyway, I get out of the shower and discover that there are two packages sitting on my welcome mat. Immediately I am elated, until I discover that one of the packages has been partially ripped open, and the training pants that I bought for LB have been rained/snowed on all evening.

Sob. Shake it off. Cry. Shake it off. Shake it off.

The next package is a pair of kick-ass designer jeans I bought off Overstock.com for a whopping $35.00 (marked down from $95.00). Now let me explain something, before you read what happens next. The jeans shopping options in my town are as follows:

Wal-Mart
JC Penny

Corral West

I no longer can buy jeans from the teen stores at the mall, because A) they fall apart and B) my C-Section Scar does not look good creeping up and over cooch-riders.

So I immediately pull the amazing jeans out of the bag and pull them on. I look in the mirror.

I have muffin top. I have camel toe. I have watermelons for thighs. My ass looks like it's screaming for help.

I lose it. I break down. I cry and cry and cry.

Its hilarious, because who buys jeans without trying them on first (well, besides models.) I NEVER do this. But I am sick of either choosing Mom Jeans or Britney Jeans. There is no middle ground. And of course I am ragging, so everything is overblown and dramatic and totally out of control.

So what do I do? I throw the jeans in a corner. I put in Jurassic Park and keep drinking.
Best decision ever.

Why? Cause T-Rex, he feels my pain.

Toothache

2008-04-09T08:49:00.003-07:00

My tooth hurts. Let me be honest and say that I haven't been to the dentist since my wisdom teeth were extracted in 2005. Yeah, a real FOND memory.

For all you lucky women who have decent teeth, after you get pregnant, that all goes to hell. My gums are shot. In pregnancy books, they have a term called "pink toothbrush", meaning that your gums have a tendency to bleed when you are pregnant, so teeth brushing is a yummy experience.

So I sucked it up and went back to the dentist, who informed me that I have 4 cavities. One on the right and 3 on the left.

Yay. Stupid Preggie Pops.

I sat in the dentist's office for 45 minutes yesterday, waiting to get my left side drilled, cause who wants BOTH sides of their mouth numb? And it was a good thing, because those 3 cavities on my left are starting to ache like a muther.

Sadly though, my appointment was pushing 3:15 and I had to pick up LB at 4:30, so I asked if they were gonna be done by then. Um, definitely not. So they filled the one cavity on my right.

My right side still hurts, and my left side feels like a toad is living in there and I can't feel it.

The dude next to me was getting root canal, so the doc was all "I'm writing you a prescription for Lortab, Ok?"

Lucky bastard.

Baseball Movies

2008-04-08T08:35:00.002-07:00

Since I am no longer of the Bar fly crowd, my social gatherings tend to revolve around bringing the circle of friends (and their significant others) to the 825 sq ft space of my apartment.

The majority of my floor space is covered with LB's indoor climbing fortress/slidey-thing, compliments of Grandma. I keep telling myself I should move it upstairs into her room, but the monstrosity is more than I can handle alone, and considering the amount of sweat I worked up trying to put the damn thing together, I reallllly don't want to have to reconstruct it again.

Our last house party combined the following ingredients:

Homemade Egg drop Soup (compliments of Jijikero)
Garlic Thai Green beans (compliments of Curmudge's Hubbo)
Blueberry Cake (compliments of JL)
Red Wine
Keylime Breezes
A pouting pitbull
Michael Moore's Sicko
The omnipotent hotness of Will Smith in I Am Legend
A demolished kitchen.

Needless to say, it was a recipe for lots of screaming/throwing stuff at the TV, maniacal laughter, and well-lubricated conversation.

My EW noted that each year, at the start of baseball season, a studio or two decides to re-release an extended, updated, super goo-goo version of a classic baseball film. So, in our lushed state, my friends and I started proclaiming the best baseball movies.

I was shocked to find that not one of my friends had seen the movie Bull Durham, and they were shocked to find that I had never seen the Sandlot OR Field of Dreams. AHHH the horror! So our next get-together is going to be baseball themed, where all of us will fill the holes in our film education.

So what are the best baseball movies? Here are my personal favs:

A League of Their Own, 61* & Bad News Bears.

The solution to Unwanted Pregnancy

2008-04-07T09:44:00.006-07:00

So if were president, this is how I would curb the influx of accidental pregnancies. Please feel free to throw peanuts, watermelons, grenades...etc..for my horrible immoral commentary on society.

I am a supporter of a women's right to choose. Obviously, how I could I grow up under a feminist regime and NOT support the women's right to choose? Anyway, I thought I was one in a million, since Roe v. Wade has reached its 35th anniversary, and all. I figured this was ancient history; a well-integrated fact in our society, something common place and familiar in our ever-progressing, technologically advanced world.

Negative. Oh Lordy no. Absolutely NOT.

After I had LB and joined a few Internet circles of mommies, I began receiving the "abortion poem." I don't know if any of you females have run across it, but it is the lowest form of emotional manipulation I have ever read. It is propaganda at its finest. Hitler would have been proud.

The "poem" stars a fetus (who would probably be voiced by Dakota Fanning if it were a child actor), who apparently can smell, taste, hear, see, talk and has highly detailed "knowledge" of the medical world around it at the tender embryonic age of 7 weeks. So this tiny (yet fully developed) Mini-me, basically acts out the final scene in Braveheart (you, know where they pull out his intestines one by one?), screaming in its high-pitched Dakota Fanning voice (ala "DON'T KILL HIM!" in Charlotte's Web).

Christ, if I could insert eye rolling here, I would. The worst part is that I have actually had other mommies post comments on how "traumatizing" the poem was for them, and how they cried when they were reading it. PUHLEASE. I really can't go into detail over the anger this sparks in me, mostly because it makes the female race look dumb. I don't care about your beliefs, but PLEASE don't base them off a damn email that was probably written by a polygamist middle schooler as a class project. Do the research, and make a conscious decision.

*insert feminist rant* So, since our culture still puts all pressure to keep unwanted pregnancies at bay on our daughters, mothers, sisters and all other females of a reproductive age, this is MY solution:

Doctors are required to keep records on when males begin producing sperm.
Once males reach the age where they are able to reproduce, begin a sperm bank.
Castrate males.
When that male decides he wants to have children, access his sperm bank and let him.

This way, people may have children only when they WANT them. Only when its planned. Women will never have to terminate an accidental pregnancy. Wow! A world without Abortion? How does THAT sound you hyper-religious Nazis? What about instead of threatening, shaming and scaring the crap out of teenagers with worthless abstinence talk, we actually go to the heart of the problem?

Everyone wins this way. And if you are thinking that kids will just run around having sex all the time if there was no pregnancy risk, ummm.....aren't they doing that already? What about STDs? there are still tons of those around to scare people, and maybe with the pregnancy issue of the the picture, then teens may have just a little less pressure to deal with, and may be more open to the thought of safe sex.

You know what else this would eliminate? CHILD SUPPORT DRAMA! Kanye West's "Golddigger"...uh uh. Not anymore. There would be no more "Ole' keep a ****** baby trick." Do you know how many stories I've heard that go like this:

Girl gets pregnant.
Boy wants her get an abortion.
Girl refuses (Gasp).
Boy runs from child support the rest of his life.

Yeah. GREAT situation to raise a baby in. My solution would END that scenario.

Ok, so its fascist and unnatural and immoral, and really just my own personal fantasy, but come on. How perfect?

Please post hate mail on my comments, its a free country, Yo.

Potty

2008-04-03T08:51:00.002-07:00

Potty training is going remarkably well lately, and I'm happy to say LB has ahem....done her dirty work 3 WHOLE TIMES in the potty. I'm practically salivating over the notion of NOT having to buy diapers anymore. My co-worker told me that once the kids are out of diapers its like getting a raise...woo hoo! Since I'm not getting any salary increases in real life, this will certainly come in handy.

Still, she is only 22 months (on the 8th) and I really don't want to push it. My daycare's potty training policy is that I am NO LONGER ALLOWED TO PUT HER IN DIAPERS. That's it. Cold Turkey. Only Undies from here on out. They told me to pack LOTS Of extra clothes, and they will reduce the mess by setting a timer and putting her on the potty every 30 minutes.

Freakin' Potty Nazis!

So I'm going to quietly introduce the daycare potty to LB and see if she starts using it on her own.....without installing their Potty Boot camp Program. I mean, are they going to yell at her if she suddenly wanders over to the toilet and uses it?

WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING? GET YOUR BUTT ON THE CHANGING TABLE MISSY!

Speaking of butts. This morning, as I was getting LB dressed, I pulled off the cold, wet morning diaper and said "Oh wow kiddo, your butt is COLLLD! That's probably NOT very fun to sleep in!"

She grabbed her booty and said to me, quite proudly "MY BUTT."

Everything is MINE at 22 months. Can't wait till she actually TURNS 2.

In like a lion, Out like friggin Godzilla

2008-03-31T13:47:00.005-07:00

After a week of 50-60 degree weather, complete with LB's and my first hiking trip of the year, I woke up this morning and yet again had to dig the ice scraper out from under the seat of my car. GRRRRR. Its now snowing, and I'm sobbing quietly at my desk.

Yay for Colorado, you BIG TEASE.

In other news, I took my POS to the car wash for some much needed R&R. I am ashamed at the amount of trash that I extracted from my vehicle. I found coffee-stained paperwork from my EGG DONATION, which means I have not de-trashed my car since early December. I won't even mention the goodies that LB had left crushed under the floor mats. It was obscene. I kept looking over my shoulder to see if anyone was looking at the utter pigsty I cart around everyday.

Also, my baby daddy's (who I haven't heard from in over a month now) sister hooked me up with a refurbished waterproof/freeze proof/shockproof camera that should be arriving tomorrow. I AM BEYOND STOKED. I kinda wish I had it this weekend, because the cataclysmic state my kitchen was in on Sunday morning DEFINITELY needed documentation!

Daughters

2008-03-21T09:28:00.004-07:00

When I was 12, I went to a sleepover where the activities entailed dancing to Whitney Houston's "Queen of the Night", eating pizza and cokes, and watching scary movies. Fun huh? Well it would have been fun, had the scary movie been of the normal "tween" scary movie selection. You know, Scream, Scooby Doo, House on Haunted Hill..those type movies.

What did we watch?

The Exorcist.

Ok so the effects are cheesy, its horribly dated, the subplots are kinda boring, but that didn't matter to me. All that mattered that night was a 12-yr-old girl (oh same age as me!) was possessed by the devil and raping herself with a crucifix. Hmmm didn't get over that for a decade or two.

Honestly, I started developing a phobia of young girls, since they always seemed to be vessels of evil in EVERY MOVIE I SAW. Another reason why I thought I would never have kids. Another reason why I was psyched to have a baby boy.

I wanted nothing to do with the entire mother-daughter horror that the Exorcist represents. I wanted to stay as far away as I could from that awful notion of uncontrollable fear that a mother has when she can't help her daughter.

Sadly, its something that all parents experience. Maybe not the extent of Exorcist proportions, but sometimes there is nothing you can do for your child. Each time LB wakes up and can't be calmed, I feel that fear. And even though I am a grown woman, each time I hear a scream from her room, I revert back to my 12 yr old self, feeling the blood drain from my face during that slumber party.

Last night was a quiet one, at least.

Sowwy

2008-03-20T11:18:00.003-07:00

After imbibing three Louises (margaritas) last night at the movie, I could have gone straight to bed. However, the red packaged dvds sitting on my counter proved too tempting to pass up. So I watched an episode of Big Love (how politically incorrect of me, after watching Thelma and Louise). Netflix sucked the rest of my evening away, and I fell into bed at around 11 pm.

I think I lay there about 15 minutes before I heard LB stirring. Whimpers eventually turned into wails, then screams. I entered the room and picked her up out of her make-shift bed, where she tearily demanded water.

She grabbed the cup so vigorously that it spilled down the front of her jammies, completely soaking both me and her. Oooh MAN did that piss her off. She morphed into red-faced, shrieking, rigor-mortis toddler as I changed her clothes. Afterwards, I tried lulling her back to dreamland, by singing her favorite song, but was halted with a throaty

"STOP IT!!"

Ok then.

For about 30 minutes she was inconsolable. The more back rubbing that was administered, the more it fed the flame. She pushed me away when I tried to hug her, she stood up in bed when I tried to lay down with her, she screamed "NOO" when I tried to offer her more water.

Finally she calmed down, completely out of the blue. No reason other than she probably was completely exhausted. I laid her down in her bed and sang to her, rubbing her back. Then I said my usual goodnight routine:

"Nite nite, I love you, I'll see you in the morning."

and from the blankets I heard

"I Sowwy Mama."

:(

Colorado Department of Education ate my life

2008-03-19T13:22:00.004-07:00

So I guess its pretty obvious I work for the school district by now, right? I was trying to keep it under wraps, but eh..I have bigger fish to fry. Its almost 2:30 pm and I am trying to squeeze a mini-post in between CSAP drop off/counting/packing/mailing/killing myself.. Yes I hate the CSAPs. I probably hate them as much as the kids who are forced to take them (Thanks Dubya).

Today is the day where I ask myself (ala Kevin Spacey in American Beauty) When did this become part of my job description? and ...Maybe we should all just sell our souls to Satan because its more convenient that way!

I am beginning to wonder if the CSAPs are convenient to ANYONE. Because as far as I can tell, its a pain in the ASS for teachers, students, testing proctors, administrators, UPS dudes, and us lowly Admin Assistants. Cause if I were to write an American Beauty-esque job description of what I do, it would look something like this:

My daily duties consist of picking up the garbage, sorting the leftovers, lubing the communication gears, fixing the potholes, making the cookies, and generally swallowing any task that the Giants of the School District do not have time to do, because they are busy handling much more important things. I have the staunch understanding that it is my job to make sure the streets are clear of all administrative debris, because if one of those Giants trip, they crush everyone under them. I provide the walker that supports the overburdened body of the Administration Building.
Wait, I think I can pull another metaphor out of my bag o tricks.....

So in honor of the most classic of all chick flicks, I say you have two choices tonight at the Abbey:

Thelma:

I'd like a Wild Turkey with a coke back, please.

Louise:

A Margarita with a shot of cuervo on the siiiiide.

Scary

2008-03-17T07:48:00.003-07:00

I looked at my calendar today and realized that I have 3 different meetings scheduled. Yeah, yeah, big whoop, I am an Admin Assistant, I schedule meetings. The only difference is this time I am IN the meetings, not just to take notes, make copies, get coffee, or to set up a conference call, I actually am presenting and discussing information. I actually serve a functional purpose other than secretarial. Wow. This means that I have knowledge and data that other people don't have. This means that in order for things to be accomplished, they need ME to move forward.

I know this is minor kudos, but it still feels good. It also makes me a little scared. Along with this realization, I have also noticed an increase in phone calls, emails, interoffice mail and other general communication that passes by my desk. I am now on two different committees in my district, and have started to dedicate serious time to my department's web page. The HR Director has informed me that he will be forwarding information on training for Notary Publics, and I should go ahead and order my supplies. AAaack.

An increase in responsibility is suddenly evident, and with plenty of district drama surrounding the hierarchical salary schedule, I don't doubt that there will be a rallying of Administrative Assistants in the near future. The question is do I want to take part in it?

As stressful as my job is, I like to keep a sense of levity by remembering that while I am sitting in my heated office, listening to podcasts, members of the facilities department are out there shoveling snow and pressure-washing graffiti off school buildings. Now THAT is a way to start your Monday morning, huh?

For every angry parent I talk to over the phone, there is a teacher out there who is physically breaking up a fight, a principal who has to search a kid for drugs, a school nurse who has to witness the effects of bullying, a counselor who has to report child abuse to Social Services, and a janitor who has 20,000 sq ft of hallways to mop before he can go home for the day.

Yeah, my job really isn't that hard.

The life of a restaurant

2008-03-14T07:53:00.005-07:00

When I first moved to Durango in 1996,

this was the restaurant that stood across from the fairgrounds on north main. Lori's Family Dining had been running since 1971, and had also managed to extend a faction of itself to the Durango Mall.

Neither are still in existence. There used to be a bowling alley at the mall too, where kids could hang out after school. You used to be able to get a bite to eat, shop, go bowling and even have a beer if you wanted at the Durango Mall. I wish I could say that's still an option.

Nope, not anymore. They have also demolished one of the few remaining Drive-In Movie theatres left in the USA. Check off another activity for kids. Eh, kids are a pain in the ass to deal with, right? Why should we give them choices of fun things to do, when there are plenty of Meth Dealers in the La Plata county region? I'm sure these people could find things for kids to do. At least they wouldn't be hanging out around our local business and bothering the paying customers. Ugh. I mean what do people expect? Keep taking away kid/teen-friendly places to hang out, and replacing them with condos and other more lucrative business ventures, and you are asking for a f***ing problem.

Lori's eventually turned into Delaney's, a similar restaurant (American-style, down-home, chicken-fried-steak place), which was decent enough. Then Delaney's went out of business and was replaced with a horrendous restaurant called "Pickles." Ok so I only ate there once, but it was awful. I didn't even try the fried pickles. After Pickles kicked the bucket, it turned into the "Kettle" restaurant and pancake house. That has lasted for about year or two, but just yesterday I noticed that the whole restaurant has been repainted and the sign now indicated that a Chinese restaurant is moving in.

Christ on a cracker. Its exhausting, and I'm not even a business owner. But it makes me wonder how someone can keep investing in this place that seems to flop every restaurant that is housed there. Do people think that there is something soooo special about their menu that it will flabbergast the public and kill the competition? I think the property is jinxed. I wouldn't open a restaurant there if I inherited the property tax free. I think it needs to be bulldozed.

.....and replaced with a bowling alley.

Compare & Contrast

2008-03-13T08:54:00.002-07:00

I am writing this in honor of my friend JL, who is on the brink of opening a brand-spanking new scrapbooking store in Durango.

She and her mom have been putting every waking moment into renovating an otherwise demolished back room of their auto parts store. They have turned grease stains into polished floor, ugly cement walls into shades of Tinkerbell green and Heffalump purple. Fuel pumps and carborators have been replaced with metallic pegboards and handpainted shelves. Soon stickers, glitter, books and paper in every color of the rainbow will burst through the doors on opening day, making a bright spot on College Drive.

Honestly, I think the amazing transformation from a testosterone-charged, spit-shine parts store into kistchy cellebration of female-driven embellishments is quite poetic to say the least. I commend my friend for pursuing her own interests under the harsh gaze of the elder traditionalists in her family; the ones whose daily exchanges consist of grunts between mechanics. I look forward to watching the mechanical grunts morph into girly gushes.

JL has been feelin' the heat, so to speak. The pressure of running a small business in a small town, where all the owners have been linked since the establishment of Durango, and criticism is never absent, is starting to rise its ugly head.

She wrote about being bombarded with questions today: When is your business opening? What kind of stuff are you going to have? ME WANT DETAILS, DETAILS, DETAILS. I'm sure she is getting comments like "Well, you know, at the Scrapbook Cottage, they had THIS there.." and "You should DEFINITELY have the same stuff, ALL scrapbook stores have THOSE THINGS."

Yuck. Unsolicited advice is always uncomfortable, but it can be used to your advantage. Getting people's opinions on things may throw you off balance, but it also re centers yourself in the world. It reminds you of why you are different and what you have to offer that others might not.

When I was pregnant (which is the time of your life when you will get the MOST unsolicited advice), People felt obliged to HEAP their opinions on me, and I was expected to absorb every word with a demure and grateful demeanor. People told me ludicrous things like I shouldn't OPEN DOORS, drive down dirt roads, hang around pit bulls. I got serious looks of pity and disgust when I worked my pizza delivery job, and eye rolling when I told people I wanted to have a waterbirth. I got looks that said "Oh great, ANOTHER hippy is bringing a granola crunchin, non-immunizing, dirty, barefoot child into the world."

Damn straight I was.

Opening a business is kinda like having a baby. I mean, you make plans to have it (well if you aren't me), you prepare for it, you make sure you know everything you can know about how to take care of it, and then you welcome it into the world. And when people criticize it, and compare it to other babies you are heartbroken and angry when yours doesn't "meet" the standards people have.

I have complete confidence in my friend. She is smart and level-headed. When I suggested that she get her liquor license and have the world's first scrapbooking bar, she simply laughed. Another reason why I would be a shoddy business owner.

So Hang in there JL! I we love you and will be there at your grand opening! Yay for the Scrapbook Nook!

Zombie

2008-03-12T07:43:00.004-07:00

I got home from the vile daycare parent meeting (a whopping total of 4 attended!) last night with the full intention of going to bed as soon as I put the toddler down to sleep. It became clear to me when I could not break from the Vulcan-death-grip she had on my neck, that she was NOT going to slide peacefully into dreamland.

I guess this possibility didn't occur to me 3 hours earlier when I let her eat an entire Wendy's Frosty, and watched her run in circles around the daycare, giggling maniacally. Hmm. Good Job Mommy.

So even after a full musical revue of Mary Poppins, Annie and the Little Mermaid, she still was whimpering "mama, mama, mama, mama." whenever I started saying "Goodnight." By the time 9:00 pm rolled around, I was mumbling through "Part of your world" with my head on the bar of her makeshift crib (foldable playpen). I finally said, "Ok, mama needs to go take a shower. Nite nite."

I Left the room under severe screaming protest, but I was done for the night. I was literally falling asleep in the shower. Once out of the shower, I should have gone directly to bed and passed out naked under the covers, like the good ole days. The days where I didn't care if I woke up with a rats nest in my hair, or unbrushed teeth. I didn't care because I was able to wake up 30 minutes before work, throw my hair in a ponytail and run out the door with a toothbrush in my mouth.

Now I brush my teeth before bed, comb my hair, do the underarm dove treatment and get into Pjs. Then I make sure the door is dead bolted, see that my cell phone, work ID, car & work keys, chewing gum, debit card, spare diaper and glasses are all safely in my purse (everything else is expendable). Then I make sure all the lights are turned off downstairs, try not to trip over LB's potty (which she has filled with cat food) and grab any dirty clothes that are lying around.

Once I am upstairs, I walk into my room and look at my bed. Then I look at the computer. Look at bed. Look at computer. Turn on computer. Sit at desk until midnight, checking email, instant messaging, chatting, watching youtube, checking myspace/facebook, reading forums on cafemom, winking on Match.com and downloading music. Am I still falling asleep? Yes. But somehow I don't care as much.

So that fact that now I am a cranky, overtired, uncooperative, leave-me-alone, excuse for an administrative assistant mess, is REALLY my own damn fault. Instead of doing the right thing last night, I selfishly pursued my own indulgences. I insisted on ME time. After spending the day doing everything for everyone else, I sacrificed precious sleep for those few delicious hours of electronic narcissism.

Sometimes when I sleep, I dream that LB is screaming, and I sit straight up in bed like a freakin' Zombie. Silence. 30 seconds later? A wail from her room. Pretty much describes what happened last night. Every hour on the hour.

The third time I jerked myself out of sleep, my thoughts were no longer on LB.

Oh no.

DID I PAY MY RENT THIS MONTH YET?????

F***

Oh P.S. If I have to scrape my windshield in the morning one more time, I am going to go postal with the ice scraper.

Lurking

2008-03-10T09:00:00.004-07:00

I've been scouring the Internet for new blogs, since most of my links are close friends and other parents I've been reading for a while. However, I feel a little lonely as the only single mom on my blogroll. Where are all the single moms hiding?

Here are some good ones out there:

Ms Single Mama
Mama Cum Laude
Mommy Pie

Oh, and here are some additions to the Great Single Mom Movies that I totally missed.

Riding in Cars With Boys
Stepmom
Soul Food
As Good As it Gets
Enough

Also, I ran across this preview the other day, and its about a single mom, but its a little creepy looking. Its like Obsessive, crazy single mom movie, but hey, its directed by Kevin Bacon. What did I expect? I'm thinking about netflixing it, cause I dearly love Kyra Segdwick, but I don't know. What do you think?

Worth it

2008-03-07T11:30:00.004-07:00

At least I know when I have a stressful day at work, I get to see this face when I pick her up from daycare. Kinda makes all the parent yelling, invoice altering, email responding, message deleting, fax sending, purchase order requesting, student ushering, meeting organizing, gay friend calling, baby daddy ignoring just.......disappear for a minute.

I wub ju Widdle Boo.

oh and TGIF.

Progress without change.

2008-03-05T08:25:00.003-07:00

Last night my mother admitted that she considers herself happy because she no longer wakes up in the morning wondering if there is a point to getting up at all. Lord. How much more Canceresque can you get? Is there are more depressing definition of happiness out there?

I told her "I think you should raise your expectations a little bit."

I also told her she isn't happy because she lets stress control her life. She is stressed about my grandmother's mental and physical health, she is stressed about my dad and his mid-life crisis which has blossomed into full-blown delusions of a Brazil-like Utopia. She is also stressed about my life, LB's life and the ever changing baby-daddy-drama. And on top of that she is stressed about her job, where she has recently been promoted, which means working 10-12 hour days.

What I don't understand about my mother is the fact that she is a hard worker, and does very well at all of her jobs. I don't think I've ever seen her NOT fully engrossed in a job. When she wakes up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep, she usually goes to work. If you hated working so much, wouldn't you turn on a movie, or listen to some music when you can't go back to sleep?

She is stressed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I only see her relax when she has a glass of wine, or sings with my dad. I think she needs a change. And I'm thinking that change means letting go of my dad as her primary responsibility. It means finally sucking it up and getting a divorce. It means letting him fend for himself, and if he wants to move back to the Land-of-Wonderment (Brazil), then let him go.

One of my co-workers made up a theory about parents in our school district, and I think it applies to all walks of life:

People want progress, but they don't want change.

I'm beginning to think its true.

First Three CDs you bought.

2008-03-03T10:28:00.003-07:00

I know this is going to be an obsolete post in a few years. By the time my daughter is old enough to own music, the CD may not even be around. Hell do 12 yr olds even buy cds or do they go straight to iTunes and download mp3s?

Anyway, I thought I would challenge my fellow bloggers to a slightly less time consuming meme. What were the first three CDs you owned and what were your favorite songs on them?

Extra Credit Challenge* What about cassette tapes? hehe.

CD # 1: Tuesday Night Music Club by Sheryl Crow. How eclectic. Since CD players really we're affordable for my family until about 1993, I think I was eleven when my dad gave me this CD for Christmas. I didn't even have my own boom box, so I'm assuming the reason my dad purchased this for me was that it had to be played on the "family" CD player, and it had to be appropriate for my 9 yr old sister to listen to. Apparently the lyric "I like a good beer buzz, early in the morning" is totally fine for a 9 yr old to hear. Gotta love songs about Chronic alcoholism.

CD # 2: Throwing Copper by Live. At 12, I actually purchased this album with my own allowance money. My dad worked a music store at that time, and he gave me a catalogue of every album they stocked. I remember flipping through Rob Zombie Sheet music, and being a little disturbed by the overtly sexual artwork, mostly involving clowns, corpses and nurses. Creepy. I had also purchases a Boom Box, so I could blast "Selling the Drama" at my leisure, but my most favorite song really was a toss up between "Lightning Crashes" and "All over you." *Sigh* Your love is....like water....

CD # 3: Jagged Little Pill by Alanis Morrisette. At 13, I was officially ready to be angstified. I mean come on, I was practically groomed for angry female rock. However, I was shocked at my mother's prudish reaction to the line "And are you thinking of me when you F*** her?" Where's the feminist love? What a great title too......it feels so good, swimmin' in your stomach....

Extra credit: Gloria Estefan's Miami Sound Machine was the most memorable cassette tape I can remember. Especially since it accompanied my pink portable tape player with the shoulder strap. The Rhythm is gonna getcha.....rhythm is gonna getcha..

OK YOUR TURN!

Stealing

2008-02-29T08:55:00.005-07:00

I get a lot of inspiration from the blogs I read. In other words, I steal a lot of people's ideas. Mostly because when there is an interesting Meme going around the blogosphere, I'm not interconnected enough to get tagged for it. So what do I do? Take the meme and spread it through the 4 person blogworld that I am connected to. So here is the most recent meme I wanted to partake in, stolen from Los Angelista's blog (who HAS commented on my blog once or twice!).

You, from A-Z:

A- Agnostic. Having been exposed to many different belief systems, including the Quakers, Christian Science, Southern Baptist ministries, Catholicism, Seventh Day Adventist, Paganism, Atheists, Buddhism, and random other assortments, I am currently in limbo as to what I believe. I think that as human beings were are naturally curious about things, and are constantly in search of answers. I used to think that people made up the existence of an afterlife, or some God-like entity in order to cope with the pain of unexplained tragedies, and to quell the fear we have about what happens after you die. I still believe that many of the details and rules of each religion are human-created and irrational, but there has to be an explanation as to why so many different cultures have been fascinated and devoted to the idea of a higher power. I pray/meditate sometimes, though I still have some questions as to WHO or WHAT I am praying to.

B- Breasts. Ok, I know, TMI. But honestly, as much as I hate to admit it, they have been a defining part of my persona since I was about 11 years old. They have been a source of torture and humiliation, personal hatred, and complete embarrassment. I think it was described best in Reviving Ophelia, that the day a girl realizes she is no longer a just a kid, but a sexual object, a period of mourning begins, that no one ever acknowledges. The day I discovered that my breasts were not something I wanted to hide, but served a useful purpose, was a great day in deed. Thanks LB. Thanks for appreciating the boob juice.

C- California/Colorado. The love/hate dynamic that revolves around these two entities, is almost as interesting as the love/hate relationship between Colorado and Texas. Since I was born in California and have ended up in Colorado, I try to minimize this fact as much as I can. We Durangoans have the perception that Californians move to our quaint little town, find the most pristine cliff with the most gorgeous view, and subsequently build a 3400 sq ft Pink Mansion on it. Which is not to minimize the Texans who haul ass into town, driving the biggest, yellowest Hummer, and shoot all the protected wildlife they can get their paws on. AHHHH gotta love it.

D-Daughter. I am one of two daughters. There were no brothers in my family. My mom's brother has only one daughter. My dad's sister has one daughter. I only have 3 cousins, and I don't really know the male one. When my cousins got together with my family, it was like I had two extra sisters. We are family of daughters. Now I have my own child, continuing the cycle of daughters. Oh, and that Pearl Jam song is really good.

E- Egg Donation. This is a term I never thought would come to identify me, but it has. I'm proud to have helped a couple become a family, not to mention sticking myself in the booty while looking over my shoulder in a mirror is quite a skill to have mastered :P

F-Feet. I know lots of people (mostly city people, I've discovered) HATE feet. They are sweaty, misshapen, stinky objects that touch a most disgusting entity: the floor. Some people quiver at that thought of the germs traveling from the floor to their feet. I'm not one of those people. I was the kid who was barefoot 90% of the summer. Having spent the first half of my childhood on the Orange County beaches, and the second half running through the rolling hills of rural Vermont, I was shoeless for the majority of my prepubescent life. I hate socks with a passion. I refuse to wear socks around the house. If my shoes are coming off, so are my socks. I would rather have icicles on my feet than wear a pair those sweat-catchers. I also think I have rather attractive feet, hence the reason I own so many strappy sandals.

G-Gypsies. I've moved almost every year of my life. Most of my past is still in boxes.

H- Hippies. Skinny-dipping in hot springs. Tabbouleh, hummus, carob, lemongrass, patchouli, sage, phoney baloney, fakin' bacon, tofurkey. Sewing triangle patches into the leg of my jeans. Playing hide and go seek in fields of....well, I found out LATER in life.

I-Inquisitive. I remember asking "why" a lot. It infuriated everyone, and I think a lot of people thought I was extremely rude for asking. In high school, I used to hound my best friend for every piece of information I could. She always did whatever she felt like, and I was intrigued by this. In my family, you were held accountable for everything, so I was used to producing answers. Jiji finally turned on me one day, saying exasperatedly "THERE DOESN'T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE REASON FOR EVERYTHING!" I finally have come to understand this, thank GOD, its a weight off my shoulders.

J- Jolly Rancher. My favorite quote used to be: "Happiness is a fruit punch Jolly Rancher." Deep huh?

K- Kitsch. A word I learned in college while studying media criticism. A word I began to hate, since it only made me realize how insane we are all making ourselves over what is considered "good" and "bad." What is considered worth while, and what is just a load of crap. This word also entered into many a late night Denny's conversations on what was "art." Those conversations usually led to endless cups of coffee and the sun eventually rising without any sort of resolution. What a waste of time.

L-The Lorax. This is the only Dr. Suess story that my parents really pushed on me, though Horton Hears a Who was a close second. "I am the Lorax, and I speak for the Trees!" Ah yes, the Hippie in me will live forever.

M- Musical Theatre. During my high school career, I was in Annie, Grease, The Wizard of Oz, Alice in Wonderland, Damn Yankees and a crappy Grease-rip off called Ducktails and Bobbysox. By the time I got to college, I was informed that Musical Theatre was for complete Tools, and that if they heard another song from Rent, they would dig out their ear drums with wooden spoons. One of my film professors told the class "How dumb do you have to be to a Musical Theatre major? There is ONE street where you can get any work."

N- Navajo. Jiji's mom is Navajo. Jiji's middle name is Nizhoni, which means beautiful. Durango is about 60 miles from the Navajo reservation. It is the largest Indian Reservation in the USA, and it is also the poorest. This is due in part to the refusal to build casinos on tribal land. In high school, one of our student teachers decided to start the class off by speaking to us in Navajo. I thought that something was wrong with my ears. If you really want to understand the complexity of the Navajo language, click here.

O-Orion. This was the name I was going to give to LB before she was born. This was also before she came out as a girl instead of a boy. In utero, LB was a head-down boy named Nathan Orion. In the flesh, she was a speed-demon girl who decided to go feet first down mama's birth canal three weeks early.

P-Pisces. Obviously.

Q- Quiche. Just another dish made with my most hated of food: Cheese. I can honestly say that I have never eaten quiche in my entire life.

R- Rally Cars. I like driving fast. I no longer do much of this, due to a very small person in the backseat, but I definitely had a phase were I wanted a race car. I was a pizza delivery girl for a good amount of my late teens/early twenties, and I prided myself on getting where I needed in record time. It was also at this time when "The Fast and the Furious" and "Gone in 60 Seconds" hit the big screen. I owned a Volkswagen Jetta, and managed to send it into a 180 degree turn while driving over a mountain pass. Maybe it was a good thing I never had anything faster.

S- Single Mom. Another thing I never thought would define me, and now gives me a sense of pride.

T- Techno, which led to Trance, which led to Club Music, which led to trying to DJ on my own computer. Which led to spending most of my leftover paycheck on downloading new tracks. Which will probably not lead to a lucrative career in music, but makes me happy nonetheless.

U- Unconscious. Dreams. Psychology. Hopefully I will go back to school and get my Masters in something related.

V- Vagina Dentata. OMG have you SEEN the previews for this?

W- Winter. I was born in the winter. If you compare the seasons to age, winter is the last stage, the end of one year, and the preparation of rebirth. Those who are born in the winter are supposed to have an "older" mentality. They are supposed to value introspection, theories, philosophy, analysis and deep thinking. They are supposed to have a somewhat darker look on life, but also one of peace and acceptance. Pisces is the last sign of the zodiac, so I'm supposed to be the equivalent of a 90-100 yr old (as far as my philosophies go).

X- Xander Cage. Triple X. Vin Diesel. Had a crush on him at one point. In film school we always debated on his likability being based on how ambiguous he was, as far as race and sexual orientation. All my gay friends agreed.

Y- Yo. What my basketball coach called me.

Z-Zelda. The first video game that made me throw the controller at the screen, after numerous attempts to beat it. I never did. It shall always be my nemesis.

Melting

2008-02-28T09:06:00.004-07:00

As the snowbanks around Durango continue to wither into slushy pools, every one's mood is likewise improving. Even my toddler has returned to her normal, bubbly self.

Today at daycare she showed me her favorite, almost completely demolished book, and told me "Dat Kis-fer Robin has hunny for Pooh and Pig-et!" Her fragmented sentences are getting longer, and I'm having trouble keeping up. She likes counting too, except she usually gets carried away at the number 4, and starts excitedly shouting, EIGHT, TEN, SEVEN, TWO, ONE!

She also has started posing. When a crowd surrounds her, she pretends to be shy for about 3 minutes, hugging my legs demurely, then I swear to god, she starts batting her eyes. Then cracks a grin. She will continue this act, until I can't handle the ridiculousness anymore and put a stop to it.

Ye Gads. I swear there is a little Leo in her :P

Another symptom of Durango Snow-Melt Syndrome is the unleashing of yard sales and weekend grill parties. As soon as grass is visible, and temp is above 50 degrees, you will start to see carboard boxes on street corners, depicting where the sales are. If you walk around your neighborhood, you will hear the communal barking of dogs, the sound of hissing burger meat, and the clinking of Ska beer bottles.

Yes, there may be snow on the La Platas until June, but by god, the people of Durango shall not be denied their yard sales and barbecues!

Gotta love how all the Marquees around town no longer display "Think Snow." I'm half expecting them to read "Think MELT" in a week or two.

Higher Education

2008-02-27T09:28:00.002-07:00

I had dinner with my 3 best buds last night, plus Gemini Toddler Boo. Thankfully no Sombreros were involved, but I did manage to successfully jack my daughter up on fried ice cream, in true birthday celebration.

Out of my Leo Friend Circle, one has completed her BA in English Education, and has been a certified sub with the Durango School District. Now she is in the process of opening her own Scrapbooking business, completely following her heart and happily sprinting away from her former life as a teacher. Opening a business of any sort is risky, and in Durango, it takes a wily and persistent owner to attain success. JL has always faced challenge with an admirable sense of cool confidence, which I am completely in awe of.

The second Leo chugged away through college, almost non-stop, taking summer school classes and working sometimes 3 jobs at a time. She graduated with an English degree and slid easily into a high-stress, low-respect, kick-your-ass government job. Now she is chipping away at a Masters, while climbing the professional and political ladder. She also may try to squeeze a trip to Germany into her classes, which all of us have agreed is slightly crazy, but oh so impressive. Yeah, and you wonder why her lung collapsed?

The third Leo, who has always been my close companion in the eccentric, kooky, slightly-off artistic world of movies, books, video games and music, took a long break from college, after experiencing a truly horrendous first semester. She now is completing her BA in graphic design, and loving every minute of it. She has been sketching for as long as I've known her, and its truly amazing to see her talent blossom into exciting career opportunities.

As for myself, I was the solo out-of-state college girl. At 18, I was about as disillusioned as a teenager could be at the thought of higher education, but when one of the most exclusive private film schools accepted my application, I didn't have the guts to tell my mother I didn't want to go. I was tired of moving, I was tired of schooling, I was tired of getting good grades, and I didn't want any more of it. Having the backbone of a true Piscean fish, I sucked it up and headed to Boston.

Karmatee describes the world of Media image in her most recent post, and I can affirm that its all true. My friends who were Public Relation majors (I used to call them majors in the art of bullishit) told me that one of their professors had painted on eyebrows, because "self- presentation was the most important aspect of Public Relations." My friends learned absolutely nothing in that class, since they were too busy laughing hysterically in the back row at how freakish her eyebrows were.

Sadly, we were the minority in this opinion. The rest of the PR Army at my school marched around the city looking like mini-Katie Courics. I mean what 18-year-old wears pearls and power suits? I don't know about you, but I went to 7 am classes in PJs, holding Dunkin Donuts to my lips. Thus continued my quiet disillusionment of the education system.

None-the-less, I received my diploma, just .4 short of a Cum Laude, bearing the established badge of Emerson College: Batchelors of Arts in Media Studies. Over the course of 4 years, my field of study dwindled from a double major in Film and Writing, to Film with a minor in Writing, to Film, to English-Communications, to Media Studies.

My favorite classes were creative writing and media criticism, which I recieved my highest marks in. I can remember the best paper I ever wrote, arguing the homoeroticism of the movie "Fight Club." Other than that, I hated my classes, I hated my classmates, and I hated my professors at the complete lack of humanity in them. They were carefully oiling the gears of next generation of media greats, and I refused to comply. They were taking the joy out of art, out of expression, and the whole process made me ill.

Oh Woe as me! Poor Pisces! Et Tu Brute? I lived in LA for about a year and that was enough for me to realize I never wanted to go back. I didn't want to become part of the Hollywood machine. I returned home to my high school friends, and went down a different road.

But thats a completely different story.

What's your post-high school tale?

26 on the 26th

2008-02-26T11:59:00.002-07:00

Thanks to KarmaTee for exposing me to this website. Which led me to this post, which led me to laughing my ass off, golden birthday style. I'm trying my luck on the lottery later.

The Golden Man/The Golden Birthday

2008-02-25T08:47:00.004-07:00

My birthday has always been within 3-4 days of the Oscars, which when I was in high school, made me think that there was some cosmic reason why I was meant to go to film school. Um, yeah. The Oscar that popped my cherry was the 1996 show, where the English Patient won best picture, and I was completely disappointed, hoping Cuba Gooding Jr's ass cheeks might take the cake for Jerry McGuire (he DID win for Best Supporting Actor, though).

But the 1997 Oscars were the most memorable for me. Why? Well lets see, I was 15 years old, and it was the year that every teenage girl's fantasy came to life. In other words, the year of TITANIC. I mean come on, I was set up for a year of Leonardo DiCaprio-related OCD behavior. It was obscene. I drew every angle of that man's face, bought enough Maybelline lipstick so I could get the free Titanic promotional items, and yes, I saw the movie SEVEN times.

Titanic was my drug of choice. Every weekend, like a heroin addict, I debated on how to spend my time: Homework, Part Time Job, and a Social life vs. the 3 hour sickening indulgence of "I'M FLYING JACK!" and "I'LL NEVER LET GO!" Yes, as a 15 year old Pisces, there was no contest. I tapped my arm, and inserted the needle every chance I could get.

So when the Best Picture Award was handed over to my baby in the big boat, I swore the world stood still. It was like all 21 hours that had been drained from my young life that year, were suddenly validated. I knew I was in a Epic-Disaster-induced coma, and that I could not be held accountable for my actions. But I wasn't the only one! Even the snobby old men in Hollywood felt the same way I did! I wasn't just some simpering teenage DiCaprio-Freak, my interest in the film held some water (no pun intended...hehe).

Since then, no year has been comparable. Great movies have continued to be released, and honored. Once I made it to film school, my peers turned up their noses at the Oscars, telling me they were just part of the Hollywood machine, and that the REALLY great movies never were recognized. I wasn't ready to be jaded, not at 18. I went to college to enjoy myself, not doom my movie-watching ability forever. I still think the Oscars are worth a damn, even if I barely make it to the theatre more than twice a year.

This year I saw two of the best picture nominations, and neither of them won. Is it ironic that both of them could be considered chick flicks? Not even gonna go there. is 26 too early to be jaded? Hmmm. I guess I have until tomorrow to find out.

Single Mom Movies

2008-02-22T15:03:00.003-07:00

Erin Brockovitch (the Godfather of single mom movies)
Waitress
North Country
The First Wives Club
Set it Off
The Joy Lucky Club
Chocolat (mmm Johnny Depp)
All About my mother (Christ, why haven't I seen this by now? BAD film school student)
Little Women (ok, not a single mother, but the dad is hardly in the story at all)
Beautiful
Mermaids
Where the Heart Is
Anywhere but Here
Hideous Kinky (Anything with Kate Winslet is good)
Finding Neverland (see above)
White Oleander (about the murdering type of single mother..hehe)
Daddy's Little Girls (a single father movie)

Settle

2008-02-21T12:08:00.005-07:00

Once my mother gained the prestige of a high-paying, work-from-home job after 40 years as part of the workforce, she did what every other aging feminist would do: Subscribed to all the political, intellectual, progressive, magazines she could.

Now when she reads something she thinks ~~I would be interested in~~ I should read, she sends the article over to me, usually accompanied by a couple of LB's socks or half-eaten cookies she left at grandma's house.

The most recent article I was privileged to read was from The Atlantic. My mother described her reaction to the peice as "horrified". She also said she was completely shocked at her reaction. The article was written by a 40-something woman who put her career first, didn't find "true love" and ended up having a child through sperm donation. The author made a case for chosing someone who may not be your "soul mate", but who may end up being a good partner, a good father, or someone who will just BE THERE for you. She says Lonliness is worse than dissatisfaction.

Hmm. Boy was I glad I read that, being a single mom and all. It was especially pleasant after coming home from watching "Atonement", probably one of the most intensely upsetting love stories to hit the silver screen.

The article had a point though. My generation is one of post-feminist idealism. We were raised to think highly of ourselves, that we deserve the utmost respect, and should never lower ourselves to meet someone else's standards. I can remember distinctly as a child, telling my mom I wanted to be a flight attendant, to which she sneered, "BE THE PILOT!"

Understandably, our mothers came from families where they witnessed banishment to the kitchen and laundry room, where a woman's goal reached no further than securing a husband and producing offspring. Of course they want their daughters to be pilots. That's why they burned their bras and fought for a woman's right to choose, right?

The article argued that while we may still be privy to this mentality, deep down inside of us, we all want to be partners with someone who loves us in the end. Living with this dichotomy is no easy task. The author says we have become too picky, striving to find the "perfect" man who is suited to our too high standards. We have thrown away the old fashion, unromantic notion of "Love has nothing to do with a successful marriage." How Victorian, UGH.

But what does it really mean to love someone? Does it have to mean sacrficing your needs for theirs? Or does it mean that no matter what your flaws, that person will be with you through thick and thin? Are we too quick to write off someone's quirks as incompatibilty? Or are the ones who make it through marriage just complacently enduring it because they'd rather be with someone than be alone?

I know this is an extremely bitter thought, (she aint frontin') but it made me think. I would rather be single than stuck in the relationship I was in before, but that doesn't mean I am too self-righteous to think that I would be happy on my own for the rest of my life. No, I want to be with someone too. Maybe I'm lucky because now I know for sure what I DON'T want, and at least learned it at a young age.

As far as my parents go, I don't understand why my mother was so shocked at the article. She has been living with a man she is almost embarrased to be with for the last 26 years. And technically they don't even live together anymore! Do they split up? No. They stay comfortably locked into each other's world. Why? Habit? Routine? Quiet Acceptance? Or is it, as stated in the article, that they would rather be married to each other, knowing that someone else out there understands them and has stuck with them this long, than be alone? I think my parents are the perfect example of this argument.

The feminists may have fought for the nobility of self-respect and true love, but they were really just posers underneath. They burned their bras and settled down to a comfortable life, complete with a washer/dryer and 2.5 kids. Why? Because no one wants to be alone.

Ask and ye shall receive

2008-02-18T11:49:00.004-07:00

Its a whopping 34 degrees outside. Tomorrow the high is supposed to be 45-50!!! Hallelujah. Watching the snow melt this weekend was definitely the highlight of a long, coughing, runny nose-filled week. Keeping fingers crossed to ward off the Flu. Happy Prez day.

Is it spring yet?

2008-02-15T10:07:00.002-07:00

Oh man. The snowflakes coming down from the sky are so big they resemble feathers. God its going to be fun driving home. Someone's truck took out a lamp post on main street today. YAY for winter.

Valentines Day

2008-02-13T08:46:00.002-07:00

Well I found someone at the last minute. Lets just hope the people actually SHOW UP. HAHAHA. No longer my problem.

Tomorrow is V Day. I don't think I've ever had a very memorable Valentine's Day, even when I was with someone. I guess I know how to pick the winners, huh?

Out of my fellow BFF Bloggers, one is engaged, one is married, one is single, and then there's me...ex-engaged + daughter. Funny thing is I was engaged before either of my married/engaged friends were, and now both of them are getting married before me. Not that I mind, since I really never thought I would get married, or have a child for that matter. Coming from a family of hippies, "married" is kind of a loose term, and doesn't exactly equal happiness. Love seems to be the most important thing, though I've been unsuccesful in THAT respect as well.

I must say that both Jiji and Curmudgeon have paid their dues. Both of them have kissed a lot of frogs, and its very satisfying to see how happy they are now with their chosen mates. I think they have enough experience to know what a good man is, and are smart enough to choose to be with someone who will respect them. You go girls.

JL and I have decided to be each other's Valentine this year. Which basically means, she is coming over with Netflix and I'm getting a heart-shaped pizza from Papa Murphy's. Not exactly romantic, but at least it will please a hungry toddler, and her tired mommy. Maybe next Valentine's Day, JL and I will have the luxury of being doted on, the way our two dear friends are lucky enough to be.

Much love to all of you, and your significant others. They are definitely keepers :)

What it means to be an Assistant

2008-02-12T09:15:00.001-07:00

I'm bloging from Planet Stuffy Head. Seriously, I am hearing things as if I'm chillin' at the bottom of the bathtub. Like Charlie Brown hears the grown-ups talking in those cartoon movies we used to watch. WA WA WA WAH.

Driving down from 7000 ft this morning, my head could be compared to a balloon slowly inflating. I'm sure the other drivers were staring at me, my mouth wide open, trying to yawn the corks out of my ears. It's now 9:40 am and I still feel like I'm in a tunnel.

I am also in Administrative Limbo. Having sent out 20 something emails, calls and faxes, I'm almost in panic mode at the lack of response. I need a Spanish Translator by 10:00 am tomorrow. Living in Southwest Colorado, you wouldn't think this would be such a difficult task. Yet my phone is silent, my email empty, the fax asleep.

Do I step it up and become annoying phone call girl? Do I slink into the shadows with my tail between my legs? At this point, any call I receive will be filtered through 8 layers of cotton in my ears, and responded to in muffled grunting, in between sneezes.

I was just informed by my boss that if I don't find someone to assist this very legally sensitive matter, well...there IS no other alternative, lets just say that. WORK, YOU PEON! DO YOUR JOB! Get those fingers BUSY Little Miss Secretary! Get out there and hustle SWEETIE!

I speak broken spanish at best. Yo no tengo la palabras necessitas para este situacion. AYE CARAMBA. DIOS MIO. Ayuda ME!

*Head continues to inflate*

Random Monday Thing

2008-02-11T08:40:00.000-07:00

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
Duchess Hanna the Implacable of West Smeesborough
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

Better than a Trashy Romance Novel

2008-02-08T08:35:00.000-07:00

Click the Photo to see the preview of the new season of "The Tudors". Or in other words, click to view soft core porn that is the Showtime Channel. YUM.

Sadly, I will have to wait till I can netflix it. I just started season one. Jonathan Rhys Meyers anyone? I thought he totally kicked ass as the little punk Chiron in Julie Taymor's Titus. Also, in Velvet Goldmine, you get a two for one deal with Meyers & Ewan McGreggor all glammed out.

Movie Quote of the Day

2008-02-07T11:04:00.001-07:00

"Easy" doesn't enter into Grown-Up life.

-Michael Caine, The Weather Man, 2005

Jeff Foxworthy

2008-02-06T09:05:00.000-07:00

My MOTHER sent this to me, and if she can have a sense of humor about life, I guess I can buck up and laugh a little too. I know there are some people out there who can appreciate this (You know who you are). Colorado REPRESENT.

You are a Coloradoan if .............

1. You switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in one day.
2. You know what the " Peoples Republic of Boulder" means.
3. Your sense of direction is: towards the mountains and away from the mountains.
4. You're a meat-eating vegetarian.
5. The bike on your car is worth more than your car and you have your own special bike lane.
6. You're able to drive 65 miles per hour through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without even flinching.
7. You take your out-of-town guests to Casa Bonita even though you would never go there otherwise.
8. You think your major food groups are granola bars, tofu and Fat Tire Beer.
9. You design your kid's Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
10 You think that sexy lingerie is wool socks and flannel PJs.
11. You know all 4 seasons "almost winter, winter, still winter and spring blizzards
12. You've been tear gassed in a riot to celebrate a CU/CSU victory.
13. You can never figure out why your out-of-town guests faint from altitude sickness on a picnic to the mountains.
14. You can drive over a 12,000-foot pass in 4 feet of snow, but can't get to work if there are 4 inches of snow.
15. You know the 'correct' pronunciation of Buena Vista .
16. When you visit friends at sea level, you can drink a case of beer and not get a buzz.
17. Your car insurance costs more than your car.
18. You have surge protectors on every outlet.
19. April showers bring May blizzards.
20. 'Timberline' is someplace you have actually been.
21. You know what a 'Chinook' is
22. You know what a ' Rocky Mountain Oyster' is.
23. You know what a "fourteener" is.
24. .But you don't know what a "turn signal" is.
25. A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you nearly as much as a Democrat in Congress does.
26. Your golf bag has a 9-iron, a 3-wood and a lightning rod.
27. People from out of state breathe 5 times as often as you do.
28. Having a Senator named Nighthorse doesn't seem strange.
29. Thunder has set off your car alarm.
30. You have an $800 stereo in your $300 truck.
31. You think a red light means 3 more cars can go.
32. Where we're going, we don't need roads!!
33. You know where the real " South Park " is.
34. You can recognize the license plates of all 50 states on sight.
35. Driving directions usually include 'Go over_________ Pass. '
36. You've 'checked for ticks.
37. You've dressed in shorts, sandals, and a parka with a hood.
38. You've gone snow skiing in July and.........
39. You've played golf in January and.......
40. They were in the same year!
41. You've urinated on the Continental Divide just so it could run into both oceans.
42. You know what a down slope and an up slope weather pattern is.
43. And the most important: You get a certain feeling of satisfaction from knowing that California and Texas are both down stream.
44. You actually understand these jokes and send them to your Colorado friends.

Guilty Pleasures

2008-02-01T13:08:00.000-07:00

I have managed to find some sense of peace in the last few days. I think most of it has to do with the statement: "knowledge is power." I have sucked a lot of wisdom out of people this week, and it has brought me a little comfort in the process.

I also was a little indugent this week too. Ok, more like ridiculously indulgent. Here are the activities I gluttoned myself with:

Hour long Bubble bath, complete with candles and kick-ass handmade products from local businesses.

Flash-back to High School, while watching the oh so silly, but oh so "Remember Dawson's Creek?" MTV movie, Varsity Blues. I swear James Vanderbeek is wearing JNCOS in that movie. I am so glad to be part of the "Ginormous Jeans" Generation.

Buying a 12-pack of Cherry Coke Zero, and drinking 3 cans in one day.

Walking 6 blocks and forking over $14 for the Sushatarian Unan Noodle Set Lunch.

Eating the classic dorm food: Totinos Pizza with Tobasco at 11:30 pm, while plotting coordinates on my Birth Chart, completely ignoring the fact I most likely would be getting up at 3 am with a feverish toddler, and outside a blizzard was raging.

Succesfully saying "White Rabbit" this morning.

What guilty pleasures did you partake in this week? Did it involve dressing up in a gown or a wizard's hat? GO SNOWDOWN!

Midnight

2008-01-30T15:09:00.000-07:00

LB and I both had a rough time last night. She woke up at 11:30 and started crying. When I got to her room, the crying had morphed into high pitched screeching. I tried picking her up and rocking her, but she weighs about 23 lbs now, and stands to my mid thigh. She was having NONE of the "Hush little baby" act last night. She is over the croup, and didn't seem to be in pain, so I was at a loss to why she was so upset. The more I tried to hug her, the more she turned into cherry-faced, rigor-mortis toddler.

It was not pretty. I was finally able to calm her down by singing trusty Ole' "Over the Rainbow", but I continued to hear her whimpering on and off throughout the night.

Kind of made me wonder: Is she starting to have nightmares already? That makes me sad. What would make a 19 month old wake up screaming in the night? Maybe its her mom, who leaks stress hormones from her pores, 24 hours a day.

Once I was able to get back to sleep (around 1 am), my neighbor must have slammed the door real loud and I literally sat straight up in bed, heart pounding. Ok, breathe. I really need to relax.

All though Driving in blizzard conditions isn't helping me either.

Golden Birthday

2008-01-29T09:27:00.000-07:00

Having gone to independent schools, charter schools, and other liberal hippie alternative schools (as well as the standard public schools), I have acquired odd facts and traditions from all over the world. I don't even know where some of them came from, or why I still remember them, but I do.

For instance, I always try to say "White Rabbit" on the first day of every month, which apparently means you will have good luck for the whole month after. This was instilled in me during my days at Hiland Hall School, a tiny alternative school, where I learned to sew my own clothes and read Shakespeare at a young age. I remember as a child, my sister would have notes posted all around her bedroom, saying "white rabbit" or "don't forget white rabbit" in hopes she would remember to say it when she woke up.

Besides conducting studies in astrology, numerology and tarot cards in my early teens, I also came across the notion of the Golden Birthday. What does it mean? Does it mean good luck? Does it mean something special happens the year you turn your "golden" age? Well, this year is my golden birthday. I turn 26 on February 26, 2008.

I'm hoping this is a good omen, if you believe in that sort of thing.

Dreams

2008-01-28T11:37:00.000-07:00

Jijikero lent me the kooky anime Paprika this weekend, and I have had weird dreams every night since then. If you haven't seen it, and you like Japanese animation, rent it. Its trippy, even without the acid.

Last night I dreamed I was spending the night at JL's house, and there was a whole baseball team sprawled over her house, watching TV, eating food, hanging out in general. There were people in every room, in the bathroom, in the closets. Another funny thing was JL's house was like the wardrobe in "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe," it just kept going, and the rooms kept getting smaller. I walked through the entire house, trying to find an empty room I could sleep in, and eventually I got to the back room, which looked remarkably like the room that she is currently remodeling for her new business. It was cold, but I laid down and went to sleep anyway.

The first person who called me this morning? JL, asking if I wanted to brave the blizzard in her Cherry Red Truck.

Maybe I'm slowly developing my own psychic abilities.

hehe.

Meditation of the Day

2008-01-23T09:57:00.001-07:00

I talked to a wise, wise person yesterday while I was home with a sick, teething toddler. His advice was:

Don't be a Martyr

Another goal to work towards. Suppressing the horrid Piscean tendency towards this is going to be rough. Can you be strong without being angry? Peaceful without being complacent? Spiritual without being Ignorant? Dedicated without being a martyr?

I hope I can find the answers to these questions.

Friends

2008-01-21T09:08:00.000-07:00

I just want to say how grateful I am to have such kick-ass friends. And now that they are entering into the blogging community, I can learn even more about them...hehe. But seriously, you know who you are, and you know what a hard time this is for me, and I just want to thank you for being there to back me up, to cheer me up and to hold me up (literally, I turned into a rag doll on the couch this weekend).

I am always in awe how confident, strong and amazing you all are. How did I get to have THREE LEOS as my best friends? How lucky can a fish be? Ok enough gushing. Just wanted you all to know that you filled my weekend with joy and a deep sense of security. It was nice to know that the empty void that has been consuming my 2008 can be filled with love. I wish you could all stay in my (or in your) living room forever.

Word to ya mothas.

Weight

2008-01-18T08:55:00.000-07:00

I haven't been working out at all this year. I feel kind of bad having the weight loss ticker on my page, even if it is moving in the right direction. I lost another pound. Why? Maybe I'm wasting away due to stress. Maybe its because everything I put into my mouth tastes like ash. Maybe its because when I wake up in the morning, there is a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that doesn't go away till afternoon. Maybe its because whenever I even think of the words "custody," "court," "petition" and "child support enforcement," there is no room in my body for anything else besides pain.

Anger

2008-01-15T11:42:00.000-07:00

I know I have to let this go. I know I have to get over this. But there is this deep pit of rage inside me that keeps simmering. I'm trying to cool it off, let it sit, and ignore it in any way that I possibly can. I'm hoping that if I keep the "glass half full" outlook, then I'm gonna be ok.

Its bad today. Its making me want to stick pins in my eyes. I remember the last time I was this angry at a person, I wrote in my diary that I wanted to force them to eat an aborted fetus. That's evil. But that's how evil I'm feeling.

Maybe I'm not trying as hard as I can. As sick as I feel today, maybe I'm secretly honing this anger, keeping myself warm. Maybe deep down in that pit of rage, I'm hiding, because what if one day that rage is replaced by the inevitable? Fear.

Toddlerisms

2008-01-14T09:12:00.000-07:00

LB has put together her first two phrases. I don't think they qualify as real sentences, since her enunciation is pretty weak at this point. In other words, her phrases sound like literary mashed potatoes. Lets see if you can figure out what she's trying to tell me

Whahappintamoosik?

Taberwhahyou?

Funny, cause both are questions and both are shouted at maximum decibels.

The first phrase appeared while she was figuring out how to turn the clock radio/noise maker on and off. I was folding laundry, listening to the radio (having yet to re-purchase a CD player or iPod), when LB discovered that her button pushing makes the music disappear. A shocked look flew across her face, and she asks (with great concern):

"Wha happin ta moosik?"

It didn't take her long to figure out how to turn the radio back on, and say with satisfaction

"DERR TIS."

Its a game now. She pushes the button, turning the radio on and off, repeating these two phrases with growing excitement, until she gets frustrated at my lack of attention and starts screaming.

The other phrase popped up during my attempts to get her into her bedroom at night without a fight. After asking her if she was ready for bed, and getting a flat out "NO!" I switched tactics to inanimate object manipulation.

I started saying "Teddy bear is waiting for us to read him a story, lets go find him. Teddy Bear, where are you?"

This quickly turned into a frantic "TA BERR WH AH YOU???!"

Ooops. Lets give my 19 month old anxiety issues. Yay.

I guess its cuter than the orders she gives to me:

"MAMA GIDDIT"

Thanks to Hotfessional

2008-01-11T09:07:00.001-07:00

Thanks for the link, girl. Hilarious pictures. Have an fantabulous day, everyone!

Fortune

2008-01-11T08:21:00.000-07:00

Last night I took myself and my 19 month old out for dinner. Alone. Since she is going through the anti-public-space phase, I was a little worried about how she would handle a restaurant without back up on hand. I was also still in my work clothes, which consist of skirt, heels and hose, and are not easy to chase a toddler in. But I took a chance and headed in for some Chinese.

I am so lucky to have such a great kid. She of course was her usual charm-the-pants-off-everyone-in-a-2-mile-radius self, and as long as I kept switching up the entertainment options every few minutes, she was fine. In other words, a tight circulation of book reading, block stacking, water sipping, peekaboo playing and thing naming was required to keep the dark side of a Gemini at bay. Much thanks to the employees of Mongolian Grill, who got the food on the table within 15 minutes of our arrival. Double yay. I left fat tippage.

I also managed to squeeze in a trip to Wal-Mart for some brownie mix, and purchase a buy two-get-two free DVD deal from Game Stop. All without a major toddler breakdown. I was wicked proud, but mostly relieved. If I can get through an evening like that, AFTER working an 8 hour day, and still get LB to bed before 8:00 pm, it makes me think I can handle this single mom thing after-all.

I was so pumped, I actually baked brownies after LB went to bed, instead of popping in my new DVDs. And the best part? I didn't even eat any of them. Nope. I have decided to give them to the construction workers who have basically saved everyone's ass this week by using their front end loader to plow our cars out.

Well I would have given them brownies, if I had followed the *High Altitude Directions on the box. Oh well. Another stop at Wal-Mart tonight will remedy this problem. Hopefully I will end up with yummy chocolate goodness instead of high altitude sludge cake.

Also. My fortune at the Chinese restaurant:

You need to forgive that person today. Just believe me.

Hmm...

Motivation to return to the Tree

2008-01-10T11:43:00.000-07:00

In the spirit of the new year, working out, being a better person, and a shout-out to 10 out of 10. I stumbled upon this list and threw up in my mouth a little. Thanks to the good doctor.

Good Morning

2008-01-09T09:04:00.001-07:00

Short post, because I have a pile of billing to get through today. Its snowing again. Yay. My boss is so damn cheery about it, gushing about finally having a real winter. I know she is right. I know that this summer will bring happy farmers, full wells, stoked river runners, and overall relief about the drought that has been chewing at SW Colorado's neck.

I'm just praying to the snow gods to keep me and LB safe in the process.

Day 2 Winterland

2008-01-08T11:45:00.000-07:00

Ok, so the plows got their act together and made the roads driveable for us non-4-wheel-drive morons. Everything was awesome except for two spots:

The hill in front of my work's parking lot
The road going to my house

In the first minute I was in my car, I made a huge driving error and decided to go straight down one of the only un-plowed streets in Durango. This street also happens to be at an almost 45 degree angle. I knew the moment I came to the top of the hill, that it was a mistake. At the very bottom a truck was cockeyed with its bumper smashed into the headlights of a little sedan.

"Oh man. This is not a good idea," I thought.

Halfway down the hill, I noticed that the same incident had taken place between a red POS Geo and a Beamer.

"Oh Crap. Why I am going down this hill?" I said.

Tire starts to slip. Ford Escort proceeds to ice skate sideways down the evil street. Tapping brakes, now. No Dice. Full out of control sliding commences.

"OH SH**, OH SH**, OH SH**!!" I yell.

My POS 96' Ford slams into a nice, expensive SAAB, which happens to be parked facing uphill, so I put a nice canyon into the left fender of her hubby's car. YAY.

At least both our cars were still drivable. At least I didn't have to pay for a tow truck. At least I was able to pick up LB from daycare before another blizzard commences. At least it was 3 pm instead of 3 am, and I wasn't alone in the middle of nowhere. At least the lady was nice to me. At least she showed up a few minutes after I hit her, and she was able to move her car, so I could move mine.

So many positive things right?

What does my mother say?

"Its still points against your insurance."

She also told me that I need a 4-wheel drive vehicle. I have NEVER heard these words come from my mom's lips. She has lived in Colorado for 13 years now, and NEVER has owned a car with 4-wheel drive. I think deep down she considers herself an amazing driver who doesn't NEED to rely on something as expensive as 4-wheel drive, and that all those other people who have it are just bad drivers, or wusses. So for her to say that to me is a little insulting.

However, all of the REAL locals around here have told me that we haven't HAD a Colorado winter in over 10 years, and maybe finally things are going back to normal. I would love it if my mother was forced to buy an SUV, because her impeccable driving ability couldn't face the long winter.

Now excuse me while I wash the bittnerness from my lily-white, 2008 karma.

Whiteout

2008-01-07T09:42:00.001-07:00

In case you don't hear from me in the next few days, its because Colorado is getting hit by a ginormous winter storm. This weekend, hell froze over. 1-2 feet of snow at my apartment, and more on the way. A lot of people have lost power, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I will still have mine when I get home today...IF I get home, that is.

Driving conditions this weekend could be compared to the navigation of tugboats in a harbor. Everyone on the road was maneuvering in slow-motion, kicking up waves of slush as they, lurched around corners and slid through the snow. I was biting my lip, waiting for it all to freeze overnight. The lights flickered on and off for about 3 hours, Saturday night. I lit candles on my stove, having no matches in the house. Urg.

Good Ole JL came to my rescue with her trusty Chevy. She bulldozed through the slush and snow with her all mighty, cherry-red Silverado in order to take us to our good friend's launch of her fashion line, Haute Diggity. We had a great time, and it was really amazing to see a friend's art come to life onstage. Since I have so little knowledge of the fashion industry, it was really a treat to witness a local slice of it.

As for this morning, the road to my apartment was impassible in my low-riding Ford Escort. Thankfully, there still are construction workers littered across the property, who pushed me over the snowbank and onto the ice-stricken main road. My 20 minute commute morphed into an hour long escapade, with school buses sliding through red lights, and panicked Florida tourists skidding sideways all the way through town. I dropped my daughter off at daycare, had to get pushed out of THAT unplowed parking lot, and barely made it up the hill to my work.

Now I'm sitting at my desk wondering if I should have come in to town at all. Its snowing again. Schools are on a delay, but probably will close early. I probably should go buy a book of matches and a flashlight, but I can't even imagine what Wal-Mart looks like right now. People are stocking up for the Long Winter, Colorado style. Its move it or lose it, you front-wheel drive, family-wagon, POS suckas!

JL, I may call on your services again, so keep your cell phone handy. Everyone else out there in winter wonderland, be safe and may the force of electricity be with you!

Karma

2008-01-04T09:59:00.001-07:00

So, what goes around comes around, right? But is it also bad karma to feel an evil sense of happiness when a person gets what is coming to them?

My baby's daddy has a bad case of Shingles; a very painful, truly disgusting form of herpes. Since he has moved in with his new girlfriend and her two kids, they all have had an outbreak of chicken pox, and he managed to develop the more serious version of it.

They say that people who have emotional and physical stress, and who don't take good care of themselves are more susceptible to the virus. Is that him in a nutshell? Yup.

Is he suffering? Yes.
Am I happy about it? .......ummm.

Can I really be happy about someone else's pain? I think that in itself is asking for more pain to come my way. However, I think I can feel some satisfaction that I take GOOD care of myself and my daughter, while he is off doing God-Knows-What.

At the same time, it makes me scared. Scared that he might put LB at risk. Scared that I maybe I shouldn't let her out of my sight. Is this how people become paranoid moms? Is this the reason why my mother moved us from LA to the backwoods of Vermont? Is this the reason why my grandmother has given her friggin poodle a heart condition?

I don't want to be that mom. I want to give my daughter strength and intelligence, not hide her away from the world. But she's so little, I have to protect her too. I guess I have 3-4 weeks to devise a plan before he can have any contact with her.

Part of me (the Pisces part) thinks how the hell did he know that his stanky girlfriend's kids were gonna get sick with the chicken pox? But then the other part says "Why the hell did he decide to move in with her in the first place?"

What do you think?

"Spiritual Insights" into 2008

2008-01-03T10:57:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning feeling a little eh....Let me insert an obscure movie quote here:

"You do ever feel like you are just this far from being completely hysterical 24 hours a day?" - Mary-Louise Parker, Grand Canyon -1991.

Ok, so its a little dramatic, and from a semi-crappy Lawrence Kasdan movie, but that's how I'm feeling today. On New Year's Eve, I prayed for peace, courage and wisdom in 2008 , and I'm trying to stick to that. Part of me thinks I'm doing a great job (3 days into the New Year..Haha) and part of me thinks that I'm just holding back a serious breakdown, in order to pretend that I'm really courageous deep down.

Whatever the reason I feel so horrible today, I guess finding peace means that if I DO have a breakdown and act un-courageously sometime this year, I will be able to accept that and move on without regret. Its just a lot scarier to accept that once you have another little person (who you don't want to scar with your impending meltdown) to worry about.

Having wisdom means using all your experiences in order to direct your life in the way it should be going. Or maybe it means something else, and I have yet to figure it out, but right now that's what it means to me. I hope I am smart enough to figure it out.

I had a dream last night that I was beatmatching the "Truth/Trust" Remix by George Acosta and "Walking on Clouds" by Tiesto, and I made this incredible, seamless, heavenly song. It was so amazing that even my mom looked happy for a second.

I'm hoping this is a premonition for my life in 2008. Beatmatching is the stepping stone for all other DJing abilities, and its hard to separate the two songs in your head, then figure out how to put them back together so they fit. But once you get it, a whole new world opens up. Its like snowboarding, which is pretty difficult to learn, but after you get the basics, its all downhill from there.

I don't want to decode my own dream to deeply, but maybe it means that I will be able to "beatmatch" the jagged parts of my life that are hurting me right now, and find some kind of fluency to that pain. Maybe I can turn the severed end of this part of my life into something beautiful and new. I am going to DJ the fragmented pieces into something that makes sense, a club anthem for all the single moms out there! Get your glow sticks out mamas!

Ok seriously. I do have good news. Out of the stress, pain and chaos of these last few months, the couple who received my 25 little eggies are officially PREGNANT. That in itself fills me with a tremendous sense of happiness and fulfillment. Even if my life is a wreck, I know that out there, a family is overflowing with joy, and at least had a little part in it.

P.S. I also lost 3 pounds :) How did THAT happen? Its always nice when you step on the scale, feeling as low as you possibly can, and are pleasantly surprised. Take THAT Christmas candy!

Eve of 2008

2007-12-31T11:33:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a while because:

I don't have Internet at home
I've been on the road traveling
Its been a rough couple of weeks

The Christmas in Arizona consisted of a 6 hour road trip with a neurotic poodle, accompanied by an okie grandma who snarled "Ima SMACK YOU!" every few minutes. Add that to carseat constricted toddler, and a road through the Navajo Nation that only has 3 major towns along a stretch of 300 miles. Wow that was fun.

Total chaos arose the day after Christmas when my mother, taking my grandmother on her shopping spree to Kohls, got fed up with her mom's obsessive poodle preening and told her that the dog doesn't have any real problems, its all in my grandmother's head, and she makes herself crazy over it. My grandmother responded with "Get off my back!" and "I didn't even want to come on this F**KING trip anyway!"

Thinking how petty all this was, I decided to force mommy dearest and grandma to make up. I went and talked to both of them in private and they eventually hugged and forgave each other. My mother said I "healed" the family. Fricken Hippies.

My sister who flew down from her home in Alaska thinks that the real "reason" my family has come together is because I introduced the first offspring of my generation. LB is now the glue of the family. My sis says she feels selfish for saying that. I said yeah, go get knocked up unexpectedly and raise your own damn kid. Ok. I didn't say that.

I had my first gathering at my new apartment, and it was so awesome. Having all my friends crammed (and I mean crammed) into my living room with LB climbing over piles of presents, and dogs, and plates of pizza. It was exactly why I have been longing for my own place, so I could share moments like that with the people I love.

My dad, however has NOT been having those warm happy feelings, now that he is down in Brazil. His perfect getaway was marred only 3 days after his arrival. He was on the beach outside his hotel when he was mugged by 4 guys. They took his wallet and his shitty watch, but most of all, I think my dad's romantic spirit was somewhat destroyed. The most important thing is that he's ok, and hopefully can enjoy the rest of his vacation. I guess my dad always has to learn things in his own way :(

But the lowest point of my past two weeks was that LB's daddy informed me that he is indeed seeing someone else, and is MOVING in with her at the end of the week. What a desperate loser. Can't even support himself and find a place to live on his own. He has to hook up with some desperate single mom of a 3 and 7 yr old, and stay at their house. How is that an improvement over living with me and LB? I don't understand him, and I sure as hell am glad I am no longer responsible for him. I can't say it doesn't hurt me just a tiny bit though.

2008 are you a kinder, gentler year?

Holiday Blues

2007-12-21T09:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I look at my previous posting titles and I wonder if I intended to write an entirely different theme, but somehow got distracted between the title and the body. Wow.

Last night I went over to my MIL's house, where her brother had driven all the way from California to see her. She is doing so well after her mastectomy, and its always such a pleasure to be around her. Plus LB just eats up the adoration. We exchanged gifts, since I won't be around the baby daddy side of the family this year.

This made me sad for some reason. I really don't WANT to be around He-who-shall-not-be-named in the current situation at all, but I love his family dearly. The last two Christmases we have driven the hellish 15 hour drive to Long Beach, CA to see LB's Auntie. The first time I was 6 months pregnant, the second time, LB was 6 months old.

Part of me had begun to settle into a family tradition, and begun to look forward to it. This year everything is different, and there will be no jaunt to California by the three of us. There is no "three of us" anymore, really. Its LB and Me, and HIM.

Last night when her daddy finally showed up at his mom's house at 8:40 pm, I had given up on seeing him and was about to walk out the door. So there is a time period of 15 minutes where he clutches LB to his chest and hugs her before saying goodbye for Christmas. She cried and cried when we left, and after she had fallen asleep in the car, I cried.

I shouldn't have to rip my child away from her dad after only 15 minutes. I shouldn't have to miss being with a family that I have grown to love. I shouldn't have to feel guilty that I didn't try hard enough to keep us together as a family. But it doesn't matter. I do feel guilty and sad, and I DO have to make these choices that I hate to make.

As I was walking up the stairs to my apartment, a guy who looked 20-something pulled up in a Bronco. He said hi, and I greeted him. He works up at Purgatory and had just gotten off work. He lives about 3 doors down from me, so its nice to know a neighbor. As I was opening my door, he turns to me and asks

"Are you able to give the baby a Christmas this year?"

I was shocked. I just nodded. He said if I ever needed anything, I should just knock on his door.
I thanked him and went inside. I put my sleeping child to bed, and cried and cried and cried.

I can't really pin point the reason. I could be crying from the kindness of my neighbor. I could be crying because I have never been asked that question and I look like a person who needs help now. Or maybe its because of the horrible car wreck that happened this week, where a 25 year old father-to-be was killed, driving to work from Bayfield. Or maybe I'm crying because I'm lonely, and I don't want my daughter to be unhappy. Sometimes I'm afraid I've create a life for her that is going to be filled with more hardships than most kids have to face.

Whatever the reason, I feel blue today. I know I should be wallowing in the Christmas Spirit, but its hard right now.

Sedona for the Holidays

2007-12-20T15:05:00.000-07:00

Stinky Bear got a BIIIIGGGG Present last night from my mother. It was one of these. All to herself. No siblings to share it with, and at the age of 18 1/2 months. Can we say spoiled? Nah, just really really lucky.

After single-handedly putting the contraption together, I tried to fit it into the one empty corner of my new apartment. No dice. The thing is bigger than I am.

I think we are finally settling into our place, even if there are still boxes laying around, and I have neither a TV or computer, which means no cable or Internet. I am only HALF a real person, right? I have been abusing my work computer privileges for a good 9 months now, and I think its reasonably harmless. I'm not surfing for porn.

Boo Boo Bear has noticed that there are lots of loud noises in an apartment complex, and we are on the quiet end of the building, right by the staircase. This actually gives us the bonus of side-street parking access, as well as a tiny extra window, where there would have been an adjoining apartment instead. But most of the noise comes from INSIDE the apartment.

Our toilet, for example, has suction force of a black hole. I swear I can hear particles separating mid-flush. This is actually a WELCOME change from the pathetic run of toilets that I've had. You know the ones that blow a raspberry at you, gurgle for a second and call it quits, leaving the turd rotating in the bowl. Gross, I know. I used to have to keep a cooking pot of water by the toilet so I could add that extra water power during flushing. Now THAT is white trash.

But not anymore. LB's eyes go wide when the toilet flushes, and she promptly says to me "Toilet LOUD!"

Our Heater is also at maximum tunnelforce capacity. My To-Do lists regularly get blown off the counter, as well as the coupons I've been saving. LB rounds them up, and usually puts them in the garbage, saying "TWASH."

Other than that, I am relishing everything about my living situation. I only have one question: When I can I add a kitty to 24 hr girl party?

Back to Black

2007-12-17T14:56:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I didn't really come back to black. In fact I came back to endless upon endless fields of pure white snow. If you read JL's hijinks, you'll know that while I was basking in 60 degree weather (ok 57ish mostly), Colorado and got dumped on. I get the sweet after effects, without having to drive in a blizzard. Word.

I really can't think of one single word to describe my trip. So many different emotions, thoughts and experiences. As far as the workout tree goes, all I have to say is sadly, its amazing how your good food choices go out the window when you get to eat for free. Yeah. I gorged. My dad was worse though, trying to take every advantage of his meal ticket he could....buffets, champagne, desserts, not to mention the endless supply of WINE that surrounds you in Northern California. He was shameless, but its kind of a family tradition.

He took me to the little house I was born it; probably no bigger than 800 sq feet, perched on the slope of a steep, narrow street. My mom would have nothing to do with any "medical professional" telling her what to do during labor. If women had babies in caves thousands of years ago, then she could do it in the comfort of her own home. Needless to say, I wasn't born in a hospital. Looking at this house, I couldn't help but think of how scared my mom must have been, laboring alone in the tiny, dark bedroom, while my dad slept (he woke up for the birth). I honestly don't know how she did it. I was a 9lb baby for God's sake.

Being in the city of my birth, and taking part of the egg donation process was an odd sensation. I kept wondering if the couple maybe lived near where I was born, or shopped at the same stores my parents did. Would their future child be running around the wine fields, and jumping into the ocean like I did? Would they ever eat at the bakery where my mom used to work? I guess these are questions I will never know, but in some strange astrological coincidence, here I am, donating to a couple who live in the same place I am from.

I will admit that the last days of egg donation are NOT pleasant. I honestly had gotten comfortable with the injections. I could stick myself in the ass with my eyes closed and not flinch. I was SO comfortable with the whole deal that when the following situation occurred, I barely batted an eyelash.

(SCENE: Father, Daughter and Grandbaby have arrived in California, late, and have picked up rental car. They drive north through torrents of rain.)
DAUGHTER: Ok Dad, its 10:30 pm, and we still haven't gotten to the hotel. I need to take my shot.
FATHER: Hmmmm. I'm hungry.
DAUGHTER: Seriously. If I don't give myself this shot, there was no point in coming here.
FATHER: Well where are you going to do it? We're on the freeway.
DAUGHTER: All I need is a bathroom.
FATHER: Hey look! An IN-N-OUT Burger!

Yes. I actually stuck a needle in my butt in the public restroom of an In & Out Burger. How Rockstar am I? :) It didn't help that all the kids are getting ready to go out the bars, clubs, shows, concerts, holiday parties..etc...at 10:30 pm. I whipped out my vials of medication, syringes, prep pads and went to work as fast as I could. I'm surprised they didn't call the cops on me. Pretty hilarious sight. I was sort of hoping for unsolicited advice from a local heroin addict while I was shooting up, but no luck.

So anyway, after everything was said and done, the doctors were able to retrieve 25 EGGS FROM ME! Can I pat myself on the back or what? I am soooooo psyched for this couple. I hope this increases their chances of getting a good embryo, because that would make everything I have gone through worth it. I have requested to know if the couple gets pregnant, but that may be another few weeks. Everyone think happy thoughts for them.

Sorry for the long post. I need to get a new ticker up and running. My page feels a little empty. But I am back, and I missed you all! I hope your week was as great as mine!

Heading Out

2007-12-05T08:19:00.000-07:00

This will probably be my last post for a week or so, since I fly to California tomorrow for the final donation process. I really shouldn't even be posting right now, since I have A CRAPLOAD of work to do before my sub comes in this afternoon. But I must update for those who are curious.

I can definitely feel my ovaries growing, which is kind of gross, but I've been pregnant, so I'm no stranger to being aware of my internal organs moving around. Not a pleasant feeling, but I guess this is the "pain and suffering" they are compensating me for.

The hormone injections are making me a little nauseous, and my chesticles are sore.. Which reminds me, this morning LB pointed to my bra (which I can joyfully toss over the side of my couch without people complaining) and said "Booby Hat." HAHAHAHA She's so funny and smart, because OBVIOUSLY a bra goes on your boobs, so it MUST be a hat!

I tried giving myself a shot on my LEFT humpty last night, but it hurt to badly for me to try it again. I'm not ambidextrous, so my right booty cheek will have to take the brunt of it for the remainder of the process.

Here is my travel plan, accompanied by Dad and LB:

7:00 am wake up, inject self with first medication
8:00 am Eat breakfast and pack
9:00 take LB to doctor for awesome free service of Acupressure, hopefully to make her cough go away for 24 hrs.
10:00 am leave for Albuquerque
1:30 pm arrive at Airport parking
2:00 pm Check-In
2:30 Board Plane
3:00 Take-Off
6:00 Arrive in California after one layover in Vegas
7:00 pick-up Rental Car
7:30 Drive hour to hotel in outlying city
8:30 Check-In to hotel with screaming, over-tired toddler
9:00 Hopefully get toddler to pass out in hotel crib
9:30 Inject Self with 2nd medication
10:00 Pass out

I hope I will get through the day with little hassles and drama, but it will take a LOT of good karma for this to happen. I trust I've paid my dues.

Any positive wishes would be appreciated. I will see you all next week!

Home

2007-12-03T08:42:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to explain the utter joy a person gets when they finally have their own place to call home: A spot where you can put up little forms of permanence, like photos on the walls, curtains on the windows, soap in the bathroom, a welcome mat in front of your door. Even up putting my own roll of toilet paper gave me a helping of the warm fuzzies (yes I get to be cheesy).

When you don't have a home of your own, you are constantly on your toes, wondering "Can I leave my purse here?" "Where should I put LB's toys?" Your car becomes your mothership, where you stash emergency clothes, diapers, toys, Tylenol, food and other necessities. But its not your home, and you can never live there comfortably, especially with a child. You can't depend on things to be consistent, like your favorite chair being there at the end of the day, or having a place to cook dinner.

When we were living in a tent in Louisiana, I never felt safe, ever. I was always on the lookout for something bad to happen. Sometimes the houses we were helping rebuild looked more appealing than the concrete slab we had to return to at the end of the day. Not having a home is being on the move at all times, remembering that your belongings are few, and that everything else is borrowed, always ready to be returned, never having a permanent resting place.

From a tent, to the upstairs of a gutted house, to our boss's mansion, to the in-laws', to a caregivership, to a spider-infested cabin, to a falling-apart, stick-built craphole, to couch surfing for the last 9 months, to a brand-new, never been walked-on, carpeted, holy grail of an apartment, I have finally come home.

For those of you who helped make this possible, I don't know how to thank you. But please know, it is because of you that I can wake up in my own bed, and give my child a room of her own. Karma has nothing on you :)

Winter

2007-11-30T09:19:00.000-07:00

You know, you wouldn't think sitting in a car for 6 hours with about an hour break in between would make you totally exhausted. But MAN. When I got home last night, I was beat. I put on Beauty and the Beast for LB, and crashed on the couch. I woke up to her sticking her Moomintroll in the toilet, saying "Potty Potty!" I will tell the story of the origin of the moomintroll and our Hippie upbringing in a later post.

My appointment was at 10:30 am, so I left a 3.5 hour time window to get there. My mother, being constant doubt in my life, told me that I should leave 4 hours to drive, and based on her past psychic predictions, and my inability to ignore her advice, decided to leave at 6:30 am instead of my planned 7 am.

By the time I got to Albuquerque, 2 cups of coffee and one green chili burrito later, I was pulling into the hospital with 5 minutes to spare. I made a quick stop to the ladies room, and waited for my appointment. I waited for about 20 minutes before I was called in for my 2 minute ultrasound. My ovaries were indeed "quiet", which means they aren't growing any more follicles than planned and are ready to be pumped up with the hormones, starting tonight.

I then had to drive across town to get blood drawn, and take a urine test. Silly because I was IN a hospital, and yet I had to drive to a DIFFERENT one for the tests. Oh Well. That took about 15 minutes.

It was noon when I finished my appointments, and I was desperately craving a trip to Sweet Tomatoes, but the worry seed had been planted. It also was starting to snow, and the drive from Albuquerque to Bloomfield is pretty much as remote as you get,; a place where you DON'T want to get stuck in a snowstorm. So I bit the bullet and turned straight back towards home, trying to get ahead of the storm.

I didn't even stop once until I got to Aztec, NM. I ate McDonalds in the car on the way back (I swear they put crack in it) and got home in time to pick up LB at daycare. Not a snowflake in sight.

Today, on the other hand, is a complete different story. Welcome to winter, Durango!

Culmination

2007-11-28T08:40:00.000-07:00

Here's the rest of my week:

Today my Dear Sweet MIL goes into her surgery, and I am using the money from pawning my engagement ring to send her flowers. Irony? I think its perfect actually. Since I will soon be a resident of the Three Springs Area, I may trot on over there to see her, if she is still in the hospital this weekend ( I hope not though).

I drive back to Albuquerque tomorrow for my next ultrasound. My IVF coordinator in Santa Rosa says that they are doing one to make sure my ovaries are "quiet", whatever that means. I guess it lets them know if I have been doing my injections correctly so far. That moment of revelation is stressing me out.

On Friday I sign the lease to my new apartment. Finally it will be just me and LB, in a sparkling clean, 2-story townhouse with brand new carpets and her own bedroom. And for only $730 a month! Believe me, a 2 bedroom, 1.5 bathroom rental in Durango for that price is unheard of. I really am a lucky duck.

I also get to call my fertility clinic to get instructions on how to administer an intramuscular shot. I found a ghetto instructional video online last night, and it was pretty funny. Unlike MY situation, in the video there was a ken doll-like hubby sticking a ginormous need into his barbie wife's butt, saying "There, all done, honey."

In MY video, I will be trying to stick myself in the ass, while looking over my shoulder in the bathroom mirror. YAY. Anyone want to jam a 1 1/2 inch needle into my booty? I'm taking applications, since I will be living solo as of the day I start to shoot myself with egg-growing hormones. Great timing huh?

Saturday is the big move. All of you out there who want to get your workout by lifting couches up a flight of stairs, please let me know. I promise I will buy you dinner and a round of drinks for helping me! In JL's case, I will buy her a pot of echinacea tea :)

After all of this is over, I am going to throw a nice relaxing housewarming party, and you are all invited. Maybe we can have a Johnny Depp/Ewan McGreggor/Taye Diggs movie marathon and bake cookies in my new oven? Hot Cocoa and Kahlua? Coffee and Bailey's? Sound good?

Love you all and this year I am going to make up all the Christmases I missed, so expect something good from Santa!

Head Up

2007-11-27T11:02:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning, and thought about continuing my routine that I have fallen into this last week:

Get up at 5:00 am
Give self shot in belly.
Go back to sleep until LB wakes up screaming.

I was fully prepared to crawl back under the covers, but as I was drawing up my injection, I said to myself "You're only gonna feel worse if you go back to bed, so suck it up and do your new Crunch DVD."

That urge to retreat to the layers of warmth in my bedroom is like heroin to me. The Pisces in me wants to return to the unconscious world of sleep, where nothing has to be on a routine, or make any sort of sense. Where I'm not the responsible one, obligated to worry and stress.

The fact that Ive gained back the 5 lbs Ive lost, makes this urge even more overwhelming. I want to curl up in my layers of Thanksgiving fat, and doze off again. Even if its just for 15 minutes.

But I resisted. I put the DVD in the player, and pouted through my super-perky aerobics. At least its a start, right?

And I am finally moving this weekend! See the ticker? It's almost here, and since I have such wonderful friends who are helping me, I know that we will be able to ignore the fact that its supposed to snow at least 6 inches on Saturday...oh AND Sunday.

Absence

2007-11-26T10:37:00.000-07:00

I'm back. It really was the worst Thanksgiving ever. Besides seeing my family (which is always fun), the series of events that were conducted almost broke me.

LB was sent home from daycare on the day before Thanksgiving with a 102 fever. Her temperature stayed about 101-103 the whole rest of the week, making it impossible to keep her happy. Of course my grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousin wanted to play with and oogle over poor sick baby constantly, which only made her crabbier. On top of that, her usual daycare runny nose had become a green slime river, which refused to desist. She also had an attractive cough, that wreaked havoc on her lungs every time she inhaled.

Lets just say that sleepy time was hell. LB went to the dark side every night, (understandably, since she was unable to breathe). I think I lost my hearing on one side for an entire day. Humidifier did no good, steam shower did no good, Baby Tylenol, no good, Baby Motrin...THANK GOD.

My uncle is also in the final stages of MS. He is in a full-on, high powered go-cart, since he has lost all ability to move from the waist down. This go-cart weighs over a 1000 lbs, and our entire living room had to be cleared out, so he could maneuver around. My mother almost had a heart attack every time LB was on the floor near his cart, fearing she would be crushed under the wheels. He has hearing aides, but can't seem to follow any conversation, so he gets frustrated, and usually ends up in a screaming fit, saying we aren't including him. He has a very loud, Jewish-from-the-Bronx voice, that stands out in a small mountain town (especially at Applebee's).

LB's daddy's mom (I call her my Mother-in-Law, even though we aren't married), told us last week that she has breast cancer, and is getting a mastectomy in a few weeks. We are supposed to take some pictures of Her, LB and me, but I don't know if I'm going to be able to keep it together and look happy. I love my MIL dearly. She is such a beautiful and gentle woman, and LB adores her as a grandma. She has helped me so much, as a new mother, and I respect and admire her greatly. She has had such a hard life, and I wish there was some way I could block all forms of further suffering from impeding on her.

To top it all off, my baby daddy himself decided to let me in on some secrets he has been hiding from me for 2 years. I can't really discuss the details, its too painful. Lets just say he only proposed to me (long ago) because he felt guilty for his past actions and circumstances, and didn't know how to remedy it. So he thought he could make everything better by asking me to marry him. As of now, I had pretty much given up all hope we would ever be together, but it still hurts to know that he NEVER thought that things would work out at any point in time. It hurts to know that there was such a long absence of love on his part; and me standing on the other side without a clue.

Yeah, pretty much the worst week ever. Shooting yourself up with hormones can't help the mood either, huh? I hope everyone else had a better holiday.

Hellish November continues

2007-11-20T12:22:00.001-07:00

My mother was in Santa Fe until this morning. She went to meet one of her old hippy friends from Alamogordo, and they spent the weekend looking at art galleries and shopping for grandbaby clothes. During all the merriment, my mother apparently dropped her cell phone in front of a little coffee shop called "The Aztec".

Ive left my phone several places before: the bar, public restrooms, parks, restaurants, on top of my car, etc... I'm sure everyone has lost their cell at one point in their lives. What do you do? Usually wait until someone finds it, dials a number and eventually gets in contact with you. Or you back track all the places you were until you find it.

Not my mother. She immediately panics, calls the phone company and has her service disconnected. So when the coffee shop called me, I had no way of getting in touch with her. My mom's friend is hippy to the core, wouldn't dare touch the idea of looking like a yuppie on her cell phone, so she doesn't own one. My mom didn't leave the number of the hotel, so I couldn't call her there.

So I email my mom, thinking she must have her laptop and will be checking it at some point before she leaves. Nope. I don't hear from her until 7:30 last night, when (of course) I am putting Lilly to bed, and am unable to hear the phone ring. She says she "thinks someone must have stolen her phone." Who steals a cell phone besides an enraged lover, or a member of the FBI? Why would someone snag a cell phone when they could have snagged her cash or credit cards instead? If someone is THAT desperate to make a call, I'm sure they would have wandered into a hotel lobby and asked to use the phone.

Either way, when I listen to the message, I call back the number and no one picks up. Today she calls me at work and says "WELL IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE TO HEAR FROM YOU BEFORE I LEFT SANTA FE!"

I almost lost it on her. I was so pissed. My entire yesterday was filled with miscommunication, and late correspondence.

My friend who has agreed to go with me on my trip to California all of a sudden has her OWN egg donation to go to, and can't go with me anymore. So now the agency is getting really pissy at me. They wanted to book my flight YESTERDAY, but my friend's phone line was busy for almost 45 minutes.

Now I have to find someone who is able to take a whole week off of work during Dec 6-Dec 13. Yeah, THAT'S going to be easy. So if anyone wants a free trip to California that week and would like to watch a toddler while i go under the needle, PLEASE LET ME KNOW!

HELP ME!

Bad Mommy

2007-11-16T08:18:00.000-07:00

I have been really frustrated this week, and I'm taking it out on my poor kid. Her sleep schedule has been out of whack, probably due to almost biting her tongue off on Sunday. She woke up almost every 2 hrs that night, and by 5:30 am, I think she was done with trying to fall back asleep. So I got up and stumbled through about 15 minutes of my workout before she was fed up with watching me.

Tuesday morning was similar, except by 3:30 am I broke down and let her sleep in the bed with me. Sharing a bed with a 17 month old consists mostly of her backing up into my stomach, trying to nest somewhere between my chin and my hip bones, while simultaneously hogging the pillow. She doesn't even HAVE a pillow in her bed, why does she want one now?! needles to say, sleep stayed away from me till my alarm went off at 5. I DID get up at 5:30, I'm happy to say and got through the dvd. It was a very half-assed workout, however. I was not satisfied.

Wednesday was a bad night. I was so exhausted that I went to bed at 9:00 pm! I haven't been in bed that early since I was in 5 grade. I thought I was smart, catching a few extra winks, so I could get up early and REALLY get a good workout. No Dice. LB was NOT sleeping, and I refused to put her in the bed with me, afraid I might sleep through my alarm in the morning. She screamed, I tried rubbing her back, she screamed, I tried singing a lullaby. She screamed so hard I was afraid he tongue might spontaneously start spewing blood again. By 2:30 am, I knew I was not getting up for my workout, and I probably wouldn't for the rest of the week, if this continued. So I yelled at my toddler "LAY DOWN AND GO TO SLEEP!"
This, of course only sent her into startled, hiccupy sobbing. So now I was feeling pissed off, completely exhausted and ridiculously guilty. I was selfishly taking my anger and guilt for not being able to participate in the workout tree like I wanted, on my child who was most likely, still in pain from her accident. So I rocked her until she finally feel asleep. I did not get up to workout that morning.

Yesterday I woke up at 5:30 and did aerobics till 6:00. Then I ate 3 cookies. What was the point of THAT. Pathetic.

Today I woke up at 5 with ALMOST a full night of sleep.Feeling good, I really pushed myself hard, determined to my time worthwhile. 20 minutes into my workout, LB arose with a fury. After 20 minutes of trying to pacify her, I was so angry about my pathetic week of exercise and junk food snacking, that I once again yelled at my baby.

Let me just say this: Once you have a baby, your needs to NOT come first anymore. You will forever be sacrificing your looks, your health, your self esteem, your pride and your wants. You will go out into public in a bathrobe, holding a puking baby in order to get medicine. You will be ashamed of your appearance, but you will have to suck it up, because your kid is sick, and the last thing you want is to end up in the ER with them.

The fact that I have gotten to the point where I am yelling at my poor, damaged child is a low, low point in my role as a mother. So what if I didn't get to the cool-down in my workout? Who cares if it is my favorite part, and gives me a sense of accomplishment? So what if my "perfect" plan of finding a time to exercise alone, is occasionally marred by a sick toddler? I know I am a mature, responsible adult, but at 3:00 am when a baby is screaming at maximum decibels in your ear, all you can think of is "I AM NEVER GOING TO GET THROUGH ANOTHER WORKOUT IN MY LIFE, AGAIN. I AM GOING TO KEEP EATING COOKIES AND NEVER BURN THEM OFF. MY TODDLER IS MAKING ME FAT!"

I know its horrible, and my stressing is only making it worse. Today I have to go over my egg donation contract with my lawyer in California, and it is 20 PAGES LONG. I also have to call my fertility clinic to make sure I know how to self-inject my medication (I start on Monday). This is totally stressing me out, because it states in the contract that if the clinic decides I don't know what I'm doing, the couple can charge me for ALL expenses involved if my eggs never get big enough. Ive only read the directions a million times, and I know I am going to be fine, but after reading 20 pages of legal issues involved in this process, my head is ready to fall off.

I have TWO potluck to attend today as well, so I will be eating pizza and tacos. Yay. Can I stress about that too, please?

Sorry my posts are always so long winded, but I think it helps my neurosis a little.

Gotta work, Laters!

Temptation

2007-11-15T12:53:00.000-07:00

DAMN. DAMN. DAMN. I've already eaten THREE chocolate chip cookies and its only 1:00 pm. There's aren't the little keebler cookies either. These are the big, soft catered cookies from the local bakery.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Why do I have no self-control?

I actually resisted going over to the other building (like I usually do) when the secretary makes her "cookies in the break room" announcement over the loudspeaker.

I waited all the way till my boss forced me to make a run to the mail room. Then I knew it was over, because I had that feeling of excitement in my tummy, the "YAY I get to eat a cookie!" feeling. Its pathetic because I actually get excited over the thought of eating a cookie. It's like Christmas for me, walking towards the break room: Ooohh I wonder if there is any chocolate ones? How big are they going to be? How many can I stash in my hoodie for the trip back?

I pretend I'm getting a whole bunch for the rest of my office when people look at me greedily clutching a pile of cookies. Then I even offer the cookies to everyone when I get back. Its sick, but I get angry and possessive if they actually want one. I don't show it of course, but its in me.

Maybe if I stop being so dramatic and stop fantasizing about cookies all the time, then this wouldn't be such a big deal. I would have some will power for a change. Its like when I hear that voice on the intercom, it might as well be saying "Hey crackheads, all the rock you can smoke in the break room!"

When I was pregnant, I ate a chocolate chip cookie everyday at 1:30 pm. It was my after lunch snack/dessert, whatever. But it was literally like clockwork. Maybe I developed the habit then and it has stuck with me ever since. Its sad, I remember feeling the unbridled joy of eating and not worrying about what I looked like. I think a lot of pregnant women go through the same feeling. The freedom, the relief of not worrying about your weight for the first time in your life.

Anyway, that's all over, and now I have to find a backbone somewhere in my body. I think I am the first person in the world who has "dig deep" and find the strength to stand up to a plate of cookies.

New Goal

2007-11-14T08:54:00.001-07:00

I plan to start drinking more water, to counteract my snacking urge while sitting at the computer all day.

You Are 44% Healthy

Your diet is healthier than the average American diet - but that's not saying much!
You already know what's good for you. Just eat more of it.

How Healthy Is Your Diet?

Maybe I can work on my statistics a little, hmm?

Grumpy

2007-11-13T08:54:00.001-07:00

Today I had a rough time getting up. I think I pulled a muscle doing Carmen Electra's workout yesterday, which only makes me feel old and fat. There is even a disclaimer in the beginning that says BE CAREFUL OLD PEOPLE OR YOU WILL HURT YOURSELF DURING THIS DVD. I was like "Haha, I bet some granny is trying to seductively crawl across the floor and suddenly throws her back out." 24 hours later, my hamstrings feel like they are on fire. Grrrr.

I'm also pissy because I feel like I wasted my money on 2 of the 3 hula dvds. The buns & abs one is good, but the other two are so cheesy, I wanted to puke. Someone actually wrote original songs that you learn a hula dance to. The songs are so blatantly marketed to bored housewives, it was almost offensive. One lyric actually says

"I've been doing laundry all day, now I just want to play."
GAG.

Someone out there actually responds to that? Thinks that's funny? Please, you are spending a good chunk of money to produce a workout dvd, why don't you make up some creative lyrics. I don't know about all the other mamas out there, but I definitely DON'T want to workout to a song that reminds me of the domestic slavery that revolves around my homelife.

Another thing I am trying not to focus on, but is really getting to me is my stagnant weight loss. JL pointed out that we have been doing the workout tree for over a month now, and I SHOULD have lost more than 5 lbs. JL, who is a complete workout rockstar has lost A WHOLE DRESS SIZE!!! WOO HOOO!!

My body is the type that loses and gains weight very quickly, but has always stayed within the range of 135-155 lbs. I have been able to lose 5 lbs a week at one point of my life, and without getting up at 5 am every morning. I guess those days are over. I am getting old. I thought working out every day for 30 minutes would at least knock off a couple lbs a week. I have also been eating better, more salads, fish, fruits, etc....but I do have the occasional piece of pizza.

I am happy to say I have only eaten one brownie in a whole month, and have not been to McDonalds, Burger King or Wendy's either. I did eat Taco Bell yesterday though. I eat a bowl of Raisin Bran for breakfast everyday, I thought that would make a difference. But obviously its not enough. I am going to have to make even more drastic changes to my diet. I really don't know how I can squeeze any more workout time into my schedule.

It makes me want to cry to think that I can't even have the random piece of pizza. Am I going to ONLY be able to eat salad if I want to lose more weight? Am I going to have to give up tortillas completely? I have always been privy to the "Everything in moderation" philosophy, but apparently no more. I look at my paternal grandmother and aunt (both of whom seem to share the same round-faced gene pool with me), and realize what my future looks like. I need to step it up or I will be one of those out of breath moms who can't climb up the slide at the playground to save their stranded child.

I keep making excuses for myself. Well if I weighed myself with my clothes off, then I would be lighter. Oh its these hormones I'm taking for the egg donation. Well I don't have a gym pass, and I can't workout anytime. anywhere like everyone one. All LAME. But DAMN I just want to get below 150. That was my goal last week, and I failed. Its frustrating, and I think this is usually when people give up. Carmen says that a person is mostly likely to stop working out when they don't lose the weight fast enough.

I am not stopping. I like the "me" time in the morning, even if it is before dawn. I like feeling refreshed and proud of myself afterwards. It does give me a little anxiety the night before though. Sometimes I lay in bed and think "OH GOD what if I don't get up in the morning when my alarm goes off, and I lose the workout for the day?"

Ugh. I really disgust myself on how my pathetic piscesness comes spewing out sometimes. Grow a backbone girl! Stop stressing, get over it. I guess that's why I have a blog, right? To let it all out. :P

Since Everyone else did it...OKAY

2007-11-12T11:30:00.000-07:00

Your Political Profile:

Overall: 15% Conservative, 85% Liberal

Social Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

How Liberal Or Conservative Are You?

You Are Iceman

You tried to live a normal life, but it just wasn't possible
A bit of a slacker, you rather tell jokes than cultivate your powers

Powers: turning self and others into ice, making ice weapons, becoming nearly invisible

Which of the X-Men Are You?

You Are 76% A Child of the 90s

Wassup!?! You remember the 90s like they were yesterday.
And you're ready to open up a can of whoop-ass on any other decade.

Are You a Child of an 90s?

You Should Drive a Green Car

You're the type of driver who sees driving as a necessary evil.
You much rather be biking or taking a pleasant walk to where you're going.
And because of this, you tend to be a "green driver" - as best as you can.
Whether this means driving a hybrid, supporting alternative fuels, or simply not littering out your window.

What Color Car Should You Drive?

Monday Solitude

2007-11-12T10:51:00.000-07:00

Well I'm deserted in my office. My female boss is in Washington DC, taking her parents and hubby's parents to do the grand tour of our capital on Veteran's Day. Her father-in-law is a WWII Vet, and she remarked to me how few soldiers are left from that era. My dad's dad was a WWII Vet, and my maternal grandfather was in Korea. Crazy to think how one day our kids and grandkids will think of WWII like we think of the Civil War. Vietnam will become WWII, and Iraq will become Vietnam, as far as age goes. Wow I am getting old.

Minor emergency last night. LB was walking into the kitchen holding one of these (which its bigger than her head), and she tripped on the rug, falling face first onto the ball. Her top teeth promptly went through her tongue, and OH MY GOD. I have never seen that much blood come out of her mouth before. I thought she bit it off. The bleeding finally stopped after stuffing a whole towel into her mouth, and eventually she stopped crying. Poor Kid. I felt so bad, I let her eat ice cream and vanilla yogurt all night, while watching the Wizard of Oz.

I googled "Tongue+bitten+orajel" because I still had a little bottle leftover from her teething, and wondered if I could use it to numb her tongue. I found the answer on an Epilepsy Message Board, which reassured me orajel would be ok on an open tongue wound.

Also after visiting the dentist a few months ago, they recommended I get weird mouthwash called Biotene. Best purchase ever, because it kills bacteria (which I was worrying about in LB's mouth) AND it contains no alcohol (ie, no screaming baby). They hygienist even told me it was safe to put a little bit on a rag and give it to toddlers. So I've been trying to keep the huge crater on her tongue clean with the mouthwash, and she seems to be doing fine this morning. Poor grandma gets to feed her applesauce and oatmeal all day long though.

So now I'm at work, which is kind of lonely, cause everyone has it off. There is Sean, the maintenance man here, putting together a desk, so at least I have someone to talk to. I also get my injectible medications this week for the egg donation. Thankfully I don't have to drive back to Albuquerque until the 29th. Apparently the first round of injections are with tiny needles (they compare them to insulin shots), so I'm not really that upset about it. The second round of shots are inter-muscular, so errrr BITE THE BULLET.

My mother was on the phone to my sister in Alaska last night, and when she told her I was going to be donating my eggs in California (very close to where I was born, actually), my sister says,

"Wow, its kind of like Salmon returning home to spawn in the same waters they were hatched in. Funny."

Geologist Humor. Oh, my family.

Out of Whack

2007-11-08T12:20:00.000-07:00

So I didn't post yesterday because I was driving the 6 hr round trip to beautiful Albuquerque, New Mexico. I got there, spent 15 minutes in the doctor's office, and got in my car to drive home. Ugh what a drag. I did treat myself to three brand new CDs for the long-ass drive. Yes, I bought my first Britney Spears CD on itunes Tuesday night. I also bought the new cd from Little Big Town, as well as Paul Van Dyk's CD- "In Between". Eclectic mix huh? I also had my own mix, which I named "Egg Donor Mix 2007" haha- Songs ranging from "The Sweetest Girl" to "Crazy Bitch"

In other news, I have hacked the workout tree for two days in a row. I'm bad. Poor JL is the lone survivor, but I promise to get it together tomorrow. I WILL workout.

I was also shamed by a 3 year old on Tuesday, which may be one of the reasons I haven't felt inspired to workout. I was eating lunch at Himalayan Cuisine, and a little child at the other table point to me and says "Mommy, that girl is fat."

The parents quickly scooped their kid up and ushered him/her out the door. I called for the check, completely humiliated. That has never happened to me before. Nothing like a 3 year old to completely crush your good feelings on making an effort to lose weight. My mom says its just Karma, because I did the same thing when I was three. Ughhh. Either way, it was not a fun experience, and I can't wait for LB to do the same thing one day.

I also have this lingering feeling that my babydaddy is going to skip town. He's told me he is ditching his caretakership in Mancos, and feels like "starting over somewhere new". I really wouldn't know how to explain that to LB without making him look like a complete asshole. But I guess she'll figure it out on her own. Must be nice to be able to run away every time you have a problem.

I woke up numerous times last night, having bitten my tongue in my sleep. I think I need to go soak in a hot springs or something before I wake up one night choking on my own blood. Anyone have an idea on reducing stress that doesn't involve exercise or food, oh and it has to include a 17 month old toddler. UGHH.

Tuesday Quiz

2007-11-06T09:19:00.000-07:00

Oh really? No Shite Sherlock..hehehe. I guess I'm African American as well. I was born in 1982, so they are only 3 years off. Thanks to the hotfessional, who I stole this quiz off of. Your blog is hilarious by the way. The rest of you...TAKE THE QUIZ!

You Belong in 1979

Bold and brash, you take life by the horns. Whether you're partying or protesting, you give it your all!

What Year Do You Belong In?

You Are a Blueberry Margarita

Honestly, there's no one quite like you. And believe it or not, most people think that's a bad thing!

You're open, wild, friendly, wacky, and tons of fun. You have a big personality... and a big heart.

What Flavor Margarita Are You?

Mundaes

2007-11-05T13:00:00.000-07:00

Things I'm not happy about today:

My Egg Donation is NOT going to be in New York, but Santa Rosa, California instead. I guess they mixed up the coastlines or something. I was really looking forward to finally visiting the Big Apple.
I am going to have to drive to Albuquerque for my Ultrasounds instead of getting them here in Durango. I will have to take time off work for these days, as it is a 6 hour round trip. I really cannot afford to do that, ON TOP of the time I will have to take off during the actual retrieval process.
I have a late meeting today, and have no one to pick up LB from daycare. Everyone is out of town, sick or busy with work or school. So I will have to leave my meeting early, another step down on my job performance.
The horrendous display of shoddy footballing by my home team, The Broncos. It was just too painful to watch, honestly. I kept yelling at the screen "Champ Bailey can't cover the whole field YOU MORONS!" When even Mike Shanahan says he's embarrassed by his team, then you know it was a bad bad game.

However, these are the things I AM happy about today:

Its currently 65 degrees outside, and we are pulling into the second week of November.
I snuck out to see my apartment this weekend, and they actually have the numbers up, so I peeked into MY ACTUAL HOUSE!!! I saw MY ACTUAL CARPET! MY ACTUAL STOVE! I can't express how excited I was, I may even sneak out there later this week and harass a construction worker into letting me inside.
I did my Hula Buns & Abs this morning, and was very satisfied with the results of my half.com purchase. It was fun (even challenging), and I finished the whole thing before LB woke up.
In general, I feel good. I can tell that my body is getting stronger. I can chase LB around the playground and not feel like I'm going to die afterwards. I am not scared of going to store, because I know I can head off my toddler before she rips down half the canned food aisle. I'm still stuck at 153 lbs, but my post-baby belly doesn't look so scary anymore, and I feel like I'm going to get below 150 this week.

So between those two conflicting ups and downs, I think I may be able to survive the day.

7:15 AM

2007-11-02T09:42:00.000-07:00

Ok I'll make it short today. I'm sick of my long-winded rants. This is my dilemma:

5 am - Wake Up Call
5:15 - Begin Pilates Hell
5:30 - Call JL
6:00- Start Coffee
6:05 - Shower
6:20- Drink Cup O Joe #1, Read Durango Herald
6:30- Wake up LB (if she hasn't called for me yet)
6:35- Feed Toddler breakfast (try to insert liquid Vitamins somehow)
6:40- Get Dressed, Do hair
6:55- Change LB's diaper, get her dressed
7:00- Warm-up Car
7:05- Do Make-Up, brush teeth, perhaps chug Cup O Joe #2
7:10- Chase Toddler around house, trying to get her coat on
7:15 - In Carseat, Ready to Roll
7:16- Almost fall asleep at the wheel

How come I am ready for a nap at 7:16 every morning? I've HAD one (sometimes two) cups of coffee, I've been thoroughly awake for more than 2 hours. But as soon as I get in my warm car, flip on the radio, and drive the 15-20 minutes into town, its like I'm ready for dreamland by the time I hit Wildcat Canyon. Like Clockwork, everyday!

My mother says I may be coffee crashing, but I think its an excuse to get me to stop drinking yet another "thing that is bad for me", or maybe so she can drink the whole pot. But how can I caffeine crash only 10 minutes after I drink it? That's just wrong.

So Should I quit drinking coffee? Since I've quit drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes and *ahem* other undesirable habits since partaking on this egg donation process, I guess I might as well go for broke.

What are your thoughts? Do you have the sudden need for a nap everyday? Do you think its related to caffeine intake? Ugh I guess that post wasn't really that short after all. I blame it on word vomit. :P

Health Issues

2007-11-01T10:44:00.000-07:00

I did not get up at 5 am today. I literally could not do it. I think all the tension from watching my first horror movie in over 2 years left me a little exhausted after I finally managed to stop looking for upside down sickles on my ceiling. Actually the movie was pretty funny for the most part. I think my favorite scene was when the town posse grabs their sawed-off shotguns (why are they always sawed-off in movies?) and hop in the back of decrepit pick-up trucks, and go off to kill some white-trash swamp-folk. Hmm....kinda like what you see in Bayfield on the weekend :) The movie also featured the hunkaliciousness of Irdis Elba, which I didn't mind at all.

But anyway, I sacrificed calorie burning for sleep this morning, and honestly, I felt even more tired when I got up at 6:30. Why, why why? What's the point in sleeping in if I feel WORSE. Maybe its the fact that my throat has gotten consistently scratchier in the last few days. I was informed TODAY that there has been Strep Throat running around our office, and nobody decided to tell us. GRRRRRRRRR. If I am getting seriously sick and its only the first of November, this winter is going to have me by the balls. If LB gets Strep, or any of my dear Friends who I have been around the last week or so, I am going to throw a fit.

Also if you haven't heard about the recent outbreak of Staph Infection, it has made its way to Colorado. CU Boulder treated 8 students who had it, and in the Herald they reported traces of it as close as MONTROSE. So my boss was just called to an "Emergency Health Meeting" about half an hour ago. I have a daughter in daycare. This is scary. So all of you out there, wash your hands and don't go near some one's dirty towels (I'm TALKING TO YOU GRADY, you work at the Rec Center!). God, I am so NOT the type of person to be paranoid, but a kid DIED from this a few weeks ago.

Ugh is November gonna be one of THOSE months?

Just be careful out there, ok? I love you all too much.

Halloween Memories

2007-10-31T07:02:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween everyone out there in blogland! I'm happy to say that my psychological evaluation went smoothly and the therapist said she could see no warning signs for my mental preparedness for the donation process. The tongue thing didn't phase her, I guess.

Its crazy, but about 2 minutes after I got off the phone with her, another call came in from Santa Rosa, CA. The fertility clinic that handles all the medical aspects told me to start birth control AS SOON AS I COULD. They faxed the prescription into Walgreen's and I went to pick it up, in less than an hour. Crazy, I didn't even have to pay for it.

So now I'm back on the pill (had to say goodbye to my beloved Nuvaring- boo) for two months, while the intended mama's and my cycle get on the same track. Then I will start with the big guns (injectable hormones). But, WOW I didn't really think it would happen this fast. Hopefully, my retrieval falls near the end of December, so I will get to see New York City at Christmas time. I would really love that. I loved being in Boston during the Holidays, and I can only imagine what the Big Apple is like.

But back to the current Holiday: Halloween.

My most lovable memories of today revolve around Halloween in rural Vermont. You've all heard the stories about New England in the fall: the maple trees in full color, the covered bridges, the apple cider and donuts, the white steepled churches...and its all true. Its so amazing you think its fake, like Disneyland. Living in a Autumn postcard casts a spell on you, and when you are a kid, by the time Halloween rolls around, you can hardly contain your excitement.

New England's historic splendor also contributes to full-On Halloween drama: I mean, witches were burned here, Sleepy Hollow is a REAL town, just around the corner, the graveyards have been around since the revolutionary war, and they are the essence of creepy.

Me, being the somewhat twisted, creative, hippy loner child I was, used to sit in the graveyards and write down all the names and ages of the people who were buried there. Then I would imagine what their lives were like, and how they died. I really used to enjoy being in a graveyard alone. Morbid, huh?

After moving west to Durango, I was appalled by the lack of character in the graveyards, the fact that there WASN'T a local haunted house, that they didn't sell cider by the side of the road. I remember Halloween being the most eventful and exciting night of the year. There were pumpkin patch bonfires, apple bobbing contests at every school and church event, and ONE AMAZING haunted house, which the local college and high school students collaborated on every year.

As far as trick-or-treating went, that its self was a huge deal too. All the 100+ year old Victorian and Colonial houses looked scary enough during the DAYTIME, let alone lit up with jack-o-lanterns and candles. Even at age 11, my friends and I would skip some houses, because everyone in town KNEW there was a witch living there.

We mapped out our plan for getting as MUCH candy as we possibly could, with our parents help. in the East the towns are dense little communities, and dispersed no more than 10 miles away from each other, so we planned to hit at least 3 towns, riding in the back of my parent's hatch back, for quick exiting purposes when the houses became too far apart to walk between. It was kind of a pain if your costume was too elaborate. One year I was Medusa, for which I made paper mache' snakes coming out of a hat. By the end of the night, those snakes were only ratty pieces of green paper on wires. My friend was the "shower" from the Halloween dance in The Karate Kid, and she pretty much ditched her costume after the first couple houses.
We each had a normal trick-o-treat bag, but in the car were garbage bags where we would drop off our booty after each town, and start fresh with an empty bag. Yes, we were GLUTTONS.

Since candy was strictly forbidden during the non-holiday times in our house, we lived it up from October to early January. The Halloween gorgefest was the best, all of us sorting through our pile of goodies, trading each other for the undesirables. After all the good stuff was gone, my sister and I bartered for the nasty candies, and if that negotiation failed, we spent the rest of the year playing poker with snickers as the ante.

Another method of getting the candy we wanted was playing Foosball for it. My dad had found the top of a Foosball table(no legs) at the local landfill, so we put it on the floor, playing on our knees. My sister, being the natural athlete, usually kicked my ass. One time after she won 5 games in a row, and I snatched the Foosball and chucked it right at her face. It hit her in the forehead, making her scream. My mother promptly threw out all the candy after that incident.

But damn, those were some good times.

Bad timing

2007-10-30T09:58:00.000-07:00

LB was really clingy last night. She did NOT want to lie down in her bed. I swear when I gave her the over-the-crib hug, she did not let go until I felt her grip release because she was slowly passing out. Awww. Poor bubbo.

I was also awakened by her random high pitched cries throughout the night. Luckily, she's been able to go back to sleep on her own, but it still shakes me to hear her. I think she knows that we're moving again, plus the weekend with daddy totally messed with her daily routine.

So by 5 am, I was completely resistant to getting up. I DID manage to lurch to my feet at about 5:30, and pissily shove the workout dvd in the player. Called JL, check. My workout was pretty half-assed I must say, I was so NOT perky this morning.

To top it off, I bit my tongue last night, which has developed into a huge achy spot. There is definitely some pain when I talk, and to make it worse, I either sound like I have a lisp or I just came back from having my teeth drilled.

The cherry on TOP of this situation is that today I have my "Psychological Evaluation" over the phone with a therapist in California....for my egg donation. So she will either be unable to understand me or I will have to stop talking every two minutes to swallow drool and cringe in pain.

So, I may still be rejected, due to disfunctional tongue syndrome. Wish me luck :)

Graduated

2007-10-29T08:12:00.000-07:00

So I've advanced from Pilates for Dummies to Crunch Gym's Burn and Firm Pilates. And DAMN. I started it last Friday and hurt till yesterday. Now I think the vicious cycle has started all over again. But its a good pain, ya know? It makes it worth it to get up before dawn (which really isn't all that hard in the winter, anyway).

I was really sweatin' this morning, panting too. Actually, it was the whole stinky nine yards, now that I've upgraded to putting on shoes (another reason why I like pilates) during the standing workout. This DVD is more of a typical class you would take at the gym, complete with those hot girls who wear matching spandex shorts and sports bras, and the one gay guy in the back. The instructor however was not as annoying as she looks on the cover (which I really can't stand).

Also in workout news, I've ordered 4 NEW DVDs off of Half.com, and I'm psyched about them. Three of them are the Island Girl Series: Hula Workouts. and the other one is the infamous Carmen Electra's Striperobics. The Hula ones look like an absolute blast, and I can't wait to share them with the rest of the tree. I think after a few weeks of psyching myself up, I can pop the Striperobics in the player, and maybe actually follow along it. People have told me that for the untalented, clumsy bunch of us, its a tough workout, and its been a lonnnnngggg time since I was doing high school musicals.

If anyone is looking to buy a workout tape/dvd, believe me, this website really is awesome. You can preview clips of EVERY video on there, which is great because lets be honest, there are some bad ones out there. I even saw "Line Dancing Aerobics" when I was shopping, ye gads.

But I also saw Donna's Old School Dance Party (see right) which looks like a total hoot, especially cause its got live ,music (the Sugarhill Gang) in the background, while people are dancing in the front. I also noticed one very tense looking white girl (think Celine Dion doing aerobics) hiding behind Donna and her Crew, which is a fricken RIOT. I think I might ebay it, hell it looks fun. Check out the clip. WORD.

The unexpected

2007-10-26T07:20:00.000-07:00

The insane month of October continues to throw curve balls at us. Here's the latest one.

About 7 months ago, I accompanied my close friend to Miami, FL to be her companion while she went through the final stage of egg donation. She decided to donate her eggs after struggling with fertility for about 3 years. After finally conceiving twins (born only two weeks after LB), she registered with an egg donation consulting firm and received almost immediately.

She asked me go with her, and through this I started to learn more about the donation process: the medication, the injections, the meticulous tracking of the cycles, the ultrasounds, all of it. After we returned from Miami, I started to get curious about my own DNA.

I was torn about donating for a long time. I figured there are so many children out there waiting to be adopted that going out of my way to assist someone in conceiving seemed selfish and unnecessary. The couples who choose egg donation want to experience pregnancy and birth, and I think those are the exact reasons they decide not to adopt. Having gone through pregnancy and birth myself, I can understand where someone might be coming from. That doesn't excuse the fact that there are more and more children born every day that need to be adopted. I think it also takes a very special and incredible person to be an adoptive parent, and not everyone can rise to that occasion.

If someone has the made the decision to have a child through egg donation, then they are prepared to sacrifice a huge amount of time, money, emotional and physical stress. Even after going through all this.....

"The success rate varies depending upon age of eggs, retrieval process, quality
of semen, and the overall health of the women involved. In most cases,
younger eggs are selected to increase the probability of success. As
high as 48% of women using donor eggs will experience pregnancy,
however approximately 15-20% of women will lose the pregnancy through miscarriage." http://www.americanpregnancy.org/infertility/donoreggs.html
So its not at all a guarantee. It's a gamble. If I can provide someone with
an incredibly useful tool, especially when my eggs are just going to waste every
month anyway, I think becoming a donor would make me very proud and satisfied.
Another reason I feel justified in becoming a donor is because of the huge amount of women who have put their careers and marriages before having children. Many of the couples who choose egg donation are in their late 30s and 40s. I completely respect the decision to wait, become financially and emotionally secure and then decide to have children.
The feminist in me also says "Hey, guys donate sperm ALL the time, and nobody gives them any crap about giving up a possible child." Plus, an egg is not a child. The donor is not a mother. The family that carries it, raises and nurtures it, are the real parents. I am simply the biological component. I am the blueprint. The parents are going to build the house and live in it.
This is another reason why I would choose to be a donor, but never be a surrogate. The pregnancy stage of the fertility process is one of the most important stages of becoming a mother. That is why I think it takes someone incredibly special to adopt. Its also another reason why I think so many women who decide to give up their babies for adoption, change their mind during those 9 months. Honestly, after carrying a child for that long, thinking about it, and finally giving birth to it, I don't see how someone could give it away. To me, you go through all those things in order to create that maternal instinct, that bond that makes you NEED that baby. If I were a surrogate, I would not be able to separate myself from the baby I was carrying.
For all you mothers who gave your child up for adoption, I don't think you are disgusting or immoral. This is only my individual experience on the subject, and personally, this is why I could never be a surrogate, or give my child up for adoption. It is also the reason why I would feel no connection to my eggs after I donated them.
So that's my big news for the month: I'm going to New York City to donate.
What is your opinion on Egg Donation? Surrogacy? Adoption? Whew, the stuff you get to think about when you have girl parts.

What's your mother's story?

2007-10-25T09:24:00.001-07:00

"You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad"- Aldous Huxley

(My mother in a nutshell) For those of you who read my blog, I challenge you to find a quote that describes your own mother, and then tell the world why.

Here's my mom's story:

She left home at 17, trying to escape a family where her own father called her a "Nig*** Lover." After enrolling the in Redlands Community College, she dropped out after only one semester, hitchhiking north till she got to Seattle. There she lived on a houseboat, working at bakeries and fish markets until she met her first husband (I don't remember his name).

He was a Medic in the Vietnam War, and they got married when my mom was 19. He was older however, and wanted to settle down and have kids. She didn't. They divorced.

My mom moved back to California, where she enrolled at Sonoma State. She majored in Women's Studies and taught Outward Bound classes. Watching people have nervous breakdowns in the middle of the woods inspired her to get into social work. She also met my dad at Sonoma State, where he was creating a student-constructed major: Opera Performance.

He was a musician, she was a feminist. They wrote political songs together, the lived in Communes, they fell in love. They got pregnant. Thus, I came into the world.

My mom did lots of jobs in her struggle to support a family, while my father pursued his music career. She drove both school and public transit buses while we lived in L.A. My dad delivered singing telegrams, and sold suits at South Coast Plaza. But my mom never finished her degree, and my dad was working on getting his teaching licence. When an elementary music teaching position opened up, it didn't matter that it was across the country in rural Vermont.

So we left all of our relatives, and relocated from beaches and sunshine to covered bridges and snow drifts. Moving from Los Angeles, California to Shasftsbury, Vermont was basically like moving to the moon. My mom got a job working with families on Welfare, I went to a school where they made me re-learn my entire alphabet and number writing, and forced me to correct my pronunciation of the word "Apricot" and "Caramel."

My dad's teaching position did not last long. We were the California Hippies in Puritan New England, and the school district though my dad's teaching style was "inappropriate." He was fired only 6 months after we moved. I don't think either my mother or my father recovered from this moment in our lives. I really can't talk about it either. Let's just say when you go the school where your dad is one of the most talked-about and despised teachers, your life isn't very pleasant.

My mom continued to work for Social Services. My dad bounced from one job to the other, working at music stores, trying to fund raise money to make an album, but mostly I remember him being unemployed for long periods of time. My parents fought for almost all of the 7 years we lived in Vermont.

Finally my mother couldn't take it anymore. She was displaced from her friends and family, almost continent away. She lived in bitter cold winters, putridly humid summers, and was working a job that was only making her hate the government even more. She told my Dad that she wanted to move back west, and she wanted to live in Colorado.

So we up and hauled our lives back across the country. I think my mother had such high hopes, like she was leaving all her worries behind us in Cold, Bitter New England. For the next 4 years, we moved from rental to rental, while my mom worked for the Southern Ute Tribe, teaching adult literacy, computer skills, and head start programs. My dad did everything from Factory work, carpet cleaning and lots of temping. He also played gigs whenever he could, recording a few albums, but my mother was still paying most of the bills.

After 20+ years of working for public service, she gave up. She told me one day that it had just drained everything out of her. I think the goodwill she so desperately wanted to share with people back in the 70s had been sucked dry and was replaced by a constant, churning anger.

She was angry at my dad because he had always followed his dream, while she sucked it up and supported her family. She was angry at the government for making her job of helping people almost impossible. She was angry at the families who just didn't seem to care, or make enough effort to satisfy her. She was angry at the economy which forced us to keep moving every year, in order to find affordable housing.

People (including myself) used to be afraid of my mother. She was a fire-breathing, man-hating, liberal feminist who seemed to radiate bitterness. I think some of my friends (and definitely LB's dad) still are.

I love my mother. I respect her more than any other woman out there. What she sacrificed for her family, honestly brings me to tears sometimes. The thought of her amazing idealism shriveling up and dying pains me tremendously. I love her, and am in awe of her. So when she says things like this to me:

"You didn't USED to always have to learn things the hard way"

I can take it with a grain of sand.

I love you mom :)

The Magic of the Pumpkin Hat

2007-10-24T10:19:00.000-07:00

Ok, Curmudgfest. You have no idea what an impact your pumpkin hat has had on LB's and my life. Here is a few examples of what happens when I go out in public with Doo Doo Bear sportin' the pumpkin.

Hey there pumpkin head!
That is the cutest hat EVER!
Hey Punkin".
Watch out! Pumpkin on the loose!
Aww look at the pumpkin.
Where did you GET that hat?
Look at the baby mom, she's wearing a pumpkin hat!
She is so adorable...etc..etc..you get the point

I get stopped by the usual mamas and grandmamas, but also children of all shapes and sizes, dads, granddads, teenagers, construction workers, bankers, drivers on the road.....It never ends I tell you.

And just so you know, I feel I can take no credit whatsoever. So instead of saying "Thanks", I immediately go directly to "My friend knitted it herself, isn't it awesome?" Because OMG, I have never been stopped by someone oogling my kid as much as this last month.

I even saw your MOTHER yesterday on the street, and let her coo over LB. So Thank you, thank you for your skilled work as a knitter and kind auntie. And also CURSE YOUR magic needles because LB won't part with the hat for more than 2 seconds, and it now takes me over and hour to get my shopping done at Wal-Mart, as well as walk the measly 9 blocks of main street. hehehe. Cheers.

Set Back

2007-10-23T14:02:00.001-07:00

As you may have noticed, my Pinon Terrace ticker has changed significantly. That's because I got a call today informing me that the contractors and developers are not going to have the apartments ready for move-in until:

NOVEMBER 30th

Booo HISSS. I hate anticlimax. Build-up and letdown. One more month with my mother :(

Its going to be a long, cold trek with my belongings from Mancos to Durango at the end of November. To my friends who are helping me move....I'm sorry your fingers will be frozen to a point beyond recognition. I'm sorry we will have to brave (most definitely) snow and ice covered roads for 35+ miles.

Believe me, I will make it up to you.

Plus this gives me a whole extra month to plan the housewarming party. Any suggestions for the theme? It will be after Thanksgiving, so I guess no free turkey dinner for all of you. hehe.

I guess I should really just keep my fingers crossed that the date doesn't get pushed back even further into the DEAD of winter.

Please. Please.Please.

Ok so maybe it wasn't the cottage cheese

2007-10-22T08:34:00.001-07:00

I spent almost all of Friday night yarfing, so I'm thinking there might have been a bug crawling around LB's daycare after all. It took me all Saturday to regain my strength, which sort of sent me into a mini-panic about my move in 11 days.

I came to this conclusion:

I can NEVER get sick. I can NEVER get hurt. I can NEVER do anything that will result in me passing out/being incapacitated in any way.

Why? Because I will be the only one there. Who will be able to watch LB, if I'm bowing down to the toilet all day or night? What will happen to her if I fall down the stairs and break my neck? What if I choke on a ham sandwich, who will be there to give me the Heimlich? No one.

As much as I am ready to get the hell out of my mother's house, I must admit she is currently my safety blanket in case of emergency. If I hadn't gotten a full day worth of rest on Saturday, I don't know if I would have made it into to work today. If my mom hadn't been there to watch LB, I would probably have lost an 8 hr workday so I could power-up for the rest of the week.

Don't get me wrong. I am a competent and strong single mama. I know I can handle taking care of my child while running my own apartment. I just really need to step it up and take care of myself better (Which I think I have a head start on with the workout tree). I need to start taking vitamins, eating healthier and cut back on the wine drinkage. I know this won't guarantee my perfect health, but it will make this soon-to-be dark, dark winter season, a little less scary.

The scale said 153.4 this morning! I guess the pukefest took its toll on mi cuerpo pretty good :(

Wino Weight

2007-10-19T07:41:00.000-07:00

Good morning my friends :) I looked at my post from last night, and now I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't weigh myself at 9 pm after eating a ginormous bowl of green curry and drinking 3 glasses of wine. This morning the scale said I was 155.6 lbs, and there is no way I dropped almost 3 lbs overnight.

As unfair as it is, I'm still moving my ticker 3 lbs towards my goal. Its just a stupid ticker and its motivating me, so phooey to the rules. If anyone else would like to cheat an extra 3 lbs with me, by all means be my guest.

I am proud of myself because I did not GIVE UP and skip my workout this morning. LB seems to have fallen into waking up at 5 am (2 DAYS IN A ROW!) yet I was adamant about NOT succumbing to the "EH WHATEVER" philosophy. I did half of my video with her attached to my leg and the other half with her hanging off my arm. What a workout!

As for this weekend, there has been suggestion that we take a hike instead of our normal walk on Sunday. That way I can stick LB in the backpack (hopefully a positive alternative to the screaming that involves the stroller) and the dogs can run free through the wilds of Colorado..hehe.

Any suggestions on where we go? Jiji if you know any secret spots up Lightner Creek, let us know!

P.S. Don't forget to bring your workout tapes so we can swap em. Man am I ready for something other than pilates :)

I lied

2007-10-18T19:20:00.000-07:00

I had to update my ticker, as you can see. I thought I weighed 155. the scale I bought today at walmart indicated that I weigh 158!!!!! So I adjusted my ticker. See this is why I don't have scales. I am an optimist who thinks she weighs less that she really does, so when I actually get a reading, I am sorely disappointed. What a damn recipe for self-hatred.

If any of you workout tree people want to expose yourselves as I have with a weight loss ticker, please join me in public humiliation at www.tickerfactory.com.

I AM getting up at 5 am and kick ASS tomorrow!!!!!

I killed the Tree

2007-10-18T09:51:00.000-07:00

Hey there. I failed in my goal to work out every morning this week :(

Yesterday I got a call from daycare to come pick up LB cause she was "projectile vomiting." Needless to say, I rushed over there to pick her up and found that several other babies had been sent home too. LB puked till about 7 pm last night, couldn't keep any food down, only water. She's really never been this sick in her 16 months of life. She was to the point where all she wanted to do was lay her head on my chest and whimper between puking.

When I put her to bed, I was worried she might choke on her own vomit in her sleep, so I got up ever hour until about 2 am. Thank God there was no more puking. I finally was convinced she was ok and went to bed.

When my alarm went off at 5 am, LB was already awake, calling "Mama, Mama" which soon turned into "Nana nana." She devoured a whole bowl of oatmeal and a banana, along with a full glass of water. No puking. No crying. No pale, sickly face. No fever. Just lots of energy and high pitched squealing at dawn.

My diagnosis is that she is NOT sick. She does NOT have the Gastrointestinal daycare flu. She is simply a piggy little toddler who made herself sick by eating too much. I looked on her daily sheet and it said they had cottage cheese for snack. Cottage Cheese is hands down LB's favorite food. I haven't bought her any in the last month or so, because it consists of her gulping it down until I make her stop, which results in screaming. She would eat the whole container if I let her.

My theory is once she saw the cottage cheese on the table, she was like "SWEET, GORGEFEST!" and ate as much as she possibly could, in the fastest possible manner. Shortly after snack was when I received the phone call. It was either that, or the cottage cheese was bad. I have no clue.

All I know is that now I am sitting at home with a completely healthy toddler (daycare has a 24 hour quarantine policy for kids who are sent home sick) and I missed my damn workout this morning.

I guess I should be thankful LB didn't aspirate during the night, instead of complaining about missing my workout. I just wanted to complete the goal I had set for myself. I wanted the tree to survive the first week. Thank God JL is hardcore and STILL got up without me calling her.

I promise to do better next week!

Day 3 of Workout Tree

2007-10-17T09:01:00.001-07:00

My mother doesn't keep a scale in the house. In fact, as a child, I don't ever remember having a scale within 30 miles of our residences. I think my mom was trying to avoid OWD (Obsessive Weighing Disorder) which would eventually lead her two daughters to develop full blown Eating Disorders. Or maybe she just hating weighing herself too.

As a teenager, this would drive me crazy, not knowing how many pounds I was. But without constant monitoring of my weight, it was easier to forget about it. I went through my days mostly clueless and partially in denial about my weight until I either:

Went to the Doctor
Saw a picture of myself (we really didn't have any full length mirrors at home either)

After that, I would hide in my friend's bathrooms, weighing myself on their scales when ever I visited. Then it would go like this:

Moment of HORROR- reading the numbers
Return home and cry about it
A few days later wonder how much I weighed now
A week later assume I either didn't lose any weight, so I might as well eat what I want, or assume I has lost weight and could eat something greasy if I wanted.
Return to friend's house and weigh myself again
Repeat cycle

I can't say that having a scale in my house would have changed these habits. I think that every teenage girl one day realizes that she is no longer just a person, but a person who will be viewed as either HOT or NOT. That day is one of the worst in your life (unless by some miracle you are one of those girls who at 12 has a mature sense of confidence and self-worth), and the battle with the scale begins.

Had I been one of those girls, maybe having a scale around wouldn't be such a big deal. All I know is at age 12, I realized my mother was hiding the scale from me, and for two reasons: to protect me from self-hatred, and to make me think that weight was not important. Of course my interpretation of that was that she didn't want to me know I was fat, and that by keeping me in ignorance, I would be thrown in the ocean of Kate Moss and calorie counting without a paddle.

Lets just say I hardly ever look at pictures of me in High School.

I'm 25 now, and I think I have matured considerably. I think I can handle having a scale in my house. It is only a tool to help track of a healthy lifestyle, right? I can monitor without OVERmonitoring, right?

What is your opinion on having scales in your house? How many times do you weigh yourself a week? A month? A day?

I wonder how much money is made in the "scale making" business..hehe.

Day Two-Workout Tree

2007-10-16T12:19:00.000-07:00

And I thought my workout was going to be hell. I get to the office this morning and find 10 messages on my phone, all from angry parents who have been billed wrongly by yours truly. UGHHHHH. I WENT TO FILM SCHOOL DAMMIT! The worst call was from a mom who no longer has custody of her son and getting a bill for a couple hundred bucks was like pouring salt on her open wound.

And guess what else? Today is "National BOSS Day" and I had to run out and buy a Steve Carell card at lunch. I DID however resist the temptation to swing by Del Taco while at the Halmark Store. GO ME!

Day two of the workout tree was good. I think I'm regaining my Pilates balance ( I only fell twice today). BTW Curmudge and Jiji, I DON'T see either of you blogging about your experience. Well, I guess they have Husbands and Soon-to-be husbands, so they have priorities. I SWEAR I only blog at work! I do not sacrifice quality LB time for the Internet! :)

All I can say is I'd BETTER get a big fat card on "Administrative Assistant Day" :)

Day One of the Workout Tree

2007-10-15T08:40:00.000-07:00

I was praying LB would go the full 11 hrs last night (man that seems like a long time to sleep), because I knew that 5 am was going to really hurt this morning. The daycare syndrome seems to be fully attacking my toddler's nose, and has now infiltrated her lungs.

With the recent recalls, I've been scared to give her ANYTHING, and I don't want to take her to the doctor when I know I'll just get the standard "Try sitting with her in a hot shower." So instead I've hooked up a humidifier in our room. She's had two nights this past week where she woke up in a coughing fit and and couldn't get back to sleep, so I was really crossing my fingers that the humidifier would do some justice.

At 5 am when my vibrating alarm went off, LB was sleeping soundly (ok, wheezing a little). I woke up completely at about 5:15, which is only a third of the way through my pilates video, instead of half way (yay an improvement!). I woke poor JL up at 5:30 and neither of us sounded very thrilled, but at least we actually followed through. What happened after that is any body's guess. I BETTER read about it on your BLOGS LADIES!

I took a shower this morning, which promptly woke up my bubbo a half an hour early, but other than that, I think it was a highly successful day one of the tree. LETS KEEP IT UP! WOO HOO!

Haha, I know they are all thinking "this new haircut has literally gone to her head". Love you guys!

P.S. I'm now eating my toddler's Gerber Puffs for a snack. They only have 25 calories per 60 puffs. Now THAT is pathetic.

The Workout tree

2007-10-14T11:38:00.000-07:00

I've enlisted my 3 closest friends in my crazy workout plan. We've devised a phone tree, where we all workout in the comfort of our own homes.

Here's the scoop:

I wake up at 5:00 am.
I do my work out DVD.
At 5:30 I call JL and wake her up.
She begins her workout DVD.
At 6:30 she calls jijikero to wake her up.
She begins her workout DVD.
We don't know if Curmudgeon82 is completely on board (having 2 jobs and all) but if she were to join, then jijikero would call her and get her butt going at this point.
We all get to work at the appropriate times, and don't have to worry about burning calories for the rest of the day.
At our weekly Saturday walk, we swap DVDs so we don't get bored or burnt out.

And since we all have blogs, you can read our chronicles online. See how we do? I think we are just going to try and make it through the first week.P.S. LB thanks you for her Pumpkin hat, Curmudgeon! She is so lucky to have such awesome Aunts.

Day One

2007-10-12T07:44:00.000-07:00

Can I pat myself on the back? I got up before dawn to work out and I even waited until AFTERWARDS to drink coffee. YAY!

I did NOT get up at 4:15 however (what was I thinking?). My alarm went off at 5 am, and I managed to get myself up at 5:15 (double yay for me). Honestly, I don't think I was fully awake until part two of my pilates video, because it was over before I knew it. Sweating was at a minimal this morning, since I haven't done the program in over 3 months, and therefore was losing my balance through most of it. So I had the added bonus of not showering afterwards. I think once I work myself back to where I want to be, I'll have to add a quick shower to the morning.

By 5:45 I was done, drinking my coffee (after chugging two glasses of water) and reading the paper. These are things I like to do in the morning, and I hardly ever get to. Usually by 6:45, I've hit the snooze button on my phone, and then finally let LB's indignant "MAMA" get me up. I chug the coffee (usually leaving it half full), while getting LB ready. If I let myself open the paper, that's when I'm usually late out the door.

So this morning I had the utter joy of fully devouring the Durango Herald. Since I used to work there in advertising, I really like to read the ads, as well as the articles. Plus this morning's paper had the added bonus of headlines containing "La Plata County District Attorney GETS LOCKED UP FOR DUI" :):):):) HAHAHAHA love it.

I think I'm going to make this a habit.